"LIOHI and Dropping the Bomb" or "He Blinded Me with Science...tology"

"Oscar Fashion - Loves it Or Hates It" or "How to look like a radish rosette without really trying" by Nicole

You know it's a disappointing night on the red carpet when your fave dress is worn by one of the male nominees' wives. That said, this frosting-colored grecian number can TALK TA ME! Perfectly executed, by the way, as well. Minimal jewlelry and a sparkling clutch. Well done, host of Shear Genius, well done.

Oh wait, that's Matthew McConaughey's wife. Oh well. Still lovesin' the crap out of this dress.

The HATES ITs

Thank you, Vera Farmiga, for inspiring the title of this blog. That said, what the Farmiga were you thinking? The color is gorge, but the oddly-situated ruffles are reminiscent of a garnish we once saw on our plate of fish tacos at The Cheesecake Factory. It also reminds us of that fluffy gray creation Chloe Sevigny wore to the Globes. PS - we hated THAT dress, too.

Dear Faith Hill - we understand that "a Mississippi girl don't change her ways"...but we kinda wish she would. You look like a Saloon girl from an old Western town. The one standing around, fanning herself, while all the hot Saloon girls get the business in the back room.

Jennifer Lopez and Demi Moore - I'm so glad these two were photographed together. It saved me room in my "Oscars - Hates It" file for more pictures. J-Lo, please add "dresses made of lilac bubble wrap" to your list of things NEVER to do again. Right next to "Sing live on SNL" and "marry a waiter".

Demi - I'm trying to explain, in a non-vulgar way, that this dress looks like it was sewn from the extra skin lying around the office of Dr. 90210. I don't think it worked. Sick ass. Love the chunky, matchy-matchy shoes, though. That David's Bridal sure can dye the shit out of a satin platform.

Kate Winslet - you know those separates that just work together so well, you'd SWEAR it was an elegant evening gown??? Yeah, we don't either.

Sarah Jessica Parker - this dress was a bigger disappointment that Season 5 of SATC. I really liked it sitting down...from far away...not in HD. That said, you are still a fashion goddess in my eyes, and I am going to pretend that you had something WAY better picked out, but then James Wilkie drew on it with Sharpie and the twins threw up on the train. You had no choice. (...Please tell us you had no choice)

Zoe Saldana - this dress is beautiful. Kind of like how childbirth is beautiful. Oh, the humanity! I kind of want to hang her from a tree and whack her with a stick until Smarties fall out. Abrupt dip dye...and is that a SLIT?!? I need to sit down.

The LOVES ITs

Nicole Richie - There are very few 80 lb. four-foot waifs who could pull off this much of a dress, and most of them are gay men. Bravo, Ms. Richie for having the panache of a drag queen necessary to make this dress a winner. It's very "Bianca Jagger walk of shame"...in a good way!

Diane Cruger - Homegirl Loves herself some Chanel. Not that I can blame her. This dress definitely had its share of haters, but I'm rushing to its defense. LOVE the black details popping against the french vanilla crepe paper folds of the bodice and hem. And the center section, with the crimped-ruffle detail...well, let's just say it's a good thing this bitch doesn't eat solids. Another stunner from that bitchy gay, Karl Lagerfeld, that makes us want to have wine for dinner.

Shut your mouth, Molly Ringwald! I love this dress! Granted, I'd like to bust out my seam ripper and remove that art-noveau bit at the waist, and replace that cuff with a yellow-diamond bangle...but a hot dress nonetheless. It almost makes me forget about the droopy Laura Ashley florals from days of yore. ...Almost.

All in all, WAY more hates it than loves it. But hey, I got a blog out of it.

C'est la vie.

"Oh, no she DIDN'T" or "Peg Bundy called, she thinks you look sick ass" by Tregg

Now, I've taken issue with this whole campaign from the jump off.  I've politely kept my mouth shut.  But now, my journalistic injunction is being involuntarily lifted by the code of conduct I hold for myself.  After all, I was voted Best Dressed Class of 2002 at Vermilion High School.

Britney Spears, while she has been through the ringer in the past few years (don't get me started) was once Donatella Versace's muse.  She's now doing a Candie's campaign.  For Kohl's?

Oh, hell no.

Furthermore, they decided to stick her in this banded, faux leopard--which is probably made of velvet, sick ass--jacket with leater--read:  pleather--piping.   I don't know what era that is from, but it is certainly not from 2009.  

But more importantly, I find it hysterical that Britney cannot even muster a hot face for this picture.  You know there were about 500 shots in this outfit to get a good look, and we get THIS.   Bitch knows this outfit is trash, and can't fake it.

For that, I salute you, Britney Spears.  Now go wipe some fried chicken grease on this coat and get a frappucino.

"Dear T-Mobile" or "Diary of a Mad Black Texter" by Nicole

I took a big step this year.

A heavy texter from the get-go, I'd spent years doing it the old-fashioned way. Every time I got a new phone, the first thing I would do was go to Message Settings > Language > T-9 Prediction > OFF.

When I got my new slider phone this past December, I figured it was a good time to venture into the unknown. Sure, it was scary, it was unfamiliar, and I had no idea if it would be a success. But I did know this - my thumbs were fucking killing me.

I left my Samsung's settings alone and created my very first "T-9 Prediction ON" text.

It's been seven months now, and I'm glad I made the change. Texts take less time, and my rings fit again, which is great. The only qualm I have, really, with prediction is that, well - it's kind of a moron.

Every two texts I have to enter a word into my phone's lexicon that it doesn't know. It's starting to get annoying. Alas, that's the price you pay for convenience.

That said, here is my plea - if there are any LIOHI readers who happen to work for the T-Mobes, here's a list of words I use often that I implore you to add into the T-9 Prediction-ary.

exfoliant
facebook
Dunkin'
pissing
OMG
cankles
serio-comedy
slutty
bitches
slutty bitches
hot ass
makeup
FML
boob
fucking
frigging
shitting
pinot grigio



Thank you.

Sick Ass of the Week: "The O.C" by Nicole

As in: Oh, SEE how ugly this dress is?

This reminds me of my mom's old Chadwick's Catalogs. There was always that one dress: Long sleeves, four panel skirt, twelve colors, twenty sizes, zero style.

I wonder is Misch opted for the 5 day freight or overnight shipping...

Quoth the Blogger, "Hatesitmore!"

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I slept half-naked and weary,

Over many a carbo-loaded dinner I ate just until,

While I laid there, probably snoring, since TV that night was hella boring,

And then I heard this awful screeching, screening out my window sill,

"Tis some cats," I thought, "Humping outside my window sill,

They bang all day, yet want more still.

The the noise grew more distinct and telling,

By the break of dawn, I believed it more,

For I had heard it yesterday at a different hour,

It was a crow, perched high above once more,

A bird of black, irritating as before,

Quoth the blogger, "Hatesitmore!"

While I could not sleep with this awful yapping,

But his screeching continued, forevermore,

I devised a plan to engage his silence,

So that my ears could be relieved of sore,

To my balcony I retreated swiftly,

Grabbed some ice, I grabbed it tightly,

I tossed it at the bird, "Hatesitmore!"

And the crow, quickly puzzled, quickly fleeing, quickly fleeing,

From the lines outside my window sill, like the Raven of Poe's lore,

I crept back to sleep, eyes are heavy,

Wanting sleep more than ever before,

Thankful my ice worked on that bird from the lore,

Quoth the blogger, "Hatesitmore!"

This Line is Trash: "(House of) Dereon" by Nicole

**Sigh** As if the clearance racks at Marshall's weren't crowded enough...Beyonce and her Beyond-Sane mother, Tina Knowles, just keep churning out their sick-ass designs like there's no tomorrow.

The tagline they've chosen for HOD (Hates of Dereon) is "From the Catwalk to the Sidewalk". I guess "From the Catwalk to the Sidewalk...to Ross Dress for Less to The Back of Your Closet to Goodwill to the Ass of a Homeless Crack Whore" was too long.

And, just in case you were worried your daughter would make it to Junior High with her virginity intact: There's a girls line!

...If Bennifer were back together I'd swear the Apocalypse was upon us.

Hates it: "Buying Clothes for Work" by Nicole

"You're wearing that same shirt AGAIN?"

I probably would've come back with some bitchy remark like "...You're a bitch!", but she's my niece. And she's eight.

I'm in serious need of some biz casj, but typically, when it comes to shopping for work clothes, I'd rather do community service with Naomi Campbell while she's on the rag and has a purse-full of Iphones.

Maybe I'll pull a Marge Simpson, and every night I'll go home and rip up my Faconnable button down and Banana Republic flat-fronts and turn then into a fabulous-yet-appropriate cocktail dress...and then a jumpsuit...and then a PONCHO!

::Sigh:: I suppose until I get a job for which the dress code is described as "quirky, fabulous, and sort of schizo", I'm doomed to purchase more button downs and flat fronts.

See you bitches at Kohl's.

Is It Just Us...?

Or does this picture look just a smidge familiar...

We wonder if they have Kiddie Spinning Classes at Promises?

Good luck, anyway, Lila.

"MySpace: A Place for Hates it" by Nicole

OK, to be clear, I don't know this chick. I just Google Imaged "MySpace Whore" and her picture happened to be among the first 10 results. And, to boot, it's hilarious. Win-Win.

Ah, MySpace. Where do I begin? Now, be aware, this is not going to be the commonly seen "I'm a Facebook convert so now MySpace can suck it" blog. This has nothing to do with Facebook. It has to do with the fact that MySpace has gone from a social networking tool to a social network for tools. Somehow, the lines got blurred and it is now THE source for hooking up with virtual strangers.

MySpace: A Place for Pussy.

I've pulled out. No pun intended. I'm almost mid-twenties, I can't be associated with these cyber sluts and the men who love to catch the clap from them. I mean, co-authoring a controversial and all-around offensive public blog is one thing, but THIS....it's too much.

So, alas, you won't find this face on the 'Space.

But, not to worry. I can still be reached for hookups via text.

Sick Ass of the Week: "Yes, I'm behind you. No, we are NOT besties", by Nicole

Yes, waiting in line is crap. We all know this. You know what doesn't make it any better? Turning around to bitch that waiting in line is crap to the person behind you!

Why do people do this?? As if I haven't noticed that I've been waiting in line for a long time, they feel the need to turn around and put their toxic attitude on me.

"You'd think they'd open another register."

"This is ridiculous!"

"You know, I don't have all day. I have a bunion I need to take care of."

You name it, I've heard it. I don't know why some people get so bent out of shape when it comes to standing in a line. It's A LINE. That's kind of the point. You have to stand...in it...until it's your turn. Wasn't this covered in kindergarten?

I understand that some people don't have patience. I have zero. But get a grip, people. Grab an US Weekly, add up your purchases in your head...mentally make fun of the person in front of you, ANYTHING! But, please spare the person behind you. They're not interested. Also, they're too busy mentally making fun of your outfit.

Sick Ass of the Week: "All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Hates It" by Nicole

Question. Why did I have to suffer all of 2008 listening to that vile "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne...yet THIS song is too inappropriate for the airwaves?

"For the children?" Give me a break. I'm an almost mid-twenties woman, and until Tregg explained it to me, I had NO idea what this song was about. I highly doubt my eight year old niece is going to catch on.

Please, FCC. Don't deprive me of my Britney. Play that shit. I think it's the least you can do to make up for all the trash Ne-Yo has been putting out lately.

Sick ass.

That Song is Trash: "I Decided - Solange"

On a recent trip to local eatery "Hamburger Mary's" our ear drums had the misfortune of exposure to this abhorrent little gem by Beyonce's little sister.

We're not sure what is worse:  The fact that we thought this song was 20 years old (it's throwback sound is less "Ain't No Other Man" by Christina and more "It's Raining Men" by Geri Halliwell.) or the fact that the video looks like it was made with construction paper by 4th graders.

Having heard this song on our iTunes radio at work, we were shocked to learn it was actually Solange.  Just another classic example that younger siblings, although usually passing through the gateway to commercial marketability much easier due to their famous older relatives, often do not deserve the shot that they get.

Well, we take that back for one exception.  After all, then we wouldn't have Ashlee Simpson.....-Wentz.

Hall of Hates It

Here at LIOHI, we're experts at offending people. It's become like a full-time job. After all, not everyone is going to loves it.

However, we often find ourselves on the receiving end of the offensive. Here's a list of a few "hates its" we'll hates till we just can't hates no more:

1. The Drop Ceiling

Invented in God-knows-when by God-knows who, this is right at the top of our Hates It list. The worst possible scenario is a drop ceiling at a wedding. Ugh. We're judging you. Deal with it.

2. People who can't take a joke

I'm sorry that you felt the need to stop the world to point out that our comment was distasteful, but let's be honest...you walked right into it. And if you want to throw the word "distasteful" around...let's talk about that outfit for a second.

3. "Diva" by Beyonce

This.

Song.

Is.

Trash.

4. The new Coach Cs

Congratulations, Coach. You now resemble YOUR OWN knockoff. Hates it.

5. Mischa Barton

Why are we still seeing pictures of this girl? She's been out of the scene longer than that girl who was in Waterworld and Andre. You know. The one about the seal? Shouldn't Mischa be living on a beach somewhere running a surf shop by now? ...We can't.

"Hates'd And Confused" by Nicole

Since when is "do you smoke pot?" considered a good conversation starter? What kind of reaction do these guys think they're going to get, anyway?

"Why yes, I do! Do you have any? Oh my God, let's go out into the parking lot and spark it and then have sex!"

Here's what I really have to say: No, ok. I do not smoke pot. Nor am I attracted to pot or people who habitually smoke it. I hate it, quite frankly. Between the smell, the tiny lip-wrinkle-inducing joints and the ridiculous-looking paraphernalia, I just can't. There is nothing attractive about it.

No judgement. If this is the kind of thing you're into, that's fine. But can we please remove this question from the "getting to know you" vernacular? So NOT sexy.

Time to Retire/This Song is Trash: "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat (by Nicole)

Seriously? If I hear this song one more time in the car, I'm going to have to drive into a tree and just end it.

I can't. The saccharin-sweet lyrics, the sophomoric rhymes...someone kill me.

Why was this even a hit?? It's not even a good song! And as far as annoying melodies to get stuck in your head go, it ranks right up there with "It's a Small World"! I mean, COME ON!

It starts at my toes

Makes me crinkle my nose...

Choke me with a hose

Cause this song effing blows.

Honestly, between this shit-show of a song and "Unwell" by Matchbox 20, I'm ready to lose my mind.

"You can stand under my Hates-brella" by Nicole

Did you guys hear? There's a new game show coming this spring. it's called "Who's the Bigger Idiot?", and it stars these two D-Bags.

At first, I shared the same sentiment/run-on thought as pretty much everyone out there, which was: "Chris Brown is an asshole and you never hit a woman and poor Rihanna."

Now that sentiment has changed to: "Chris Brown is an asshole and you never hit a woman and poor Rihanna who is a moron and is setting a horrible example for all of her young female fans for getting back together with Chris Brown who is an asshole."

Chris: I hates it.

Rihanna: I DOUBLE hates it. Get the hell out of there!
PS - I love your bolero.

What Price Clean? by Tregg.

Today as I was going to my parking garage to move my car out so my roommate could leave before me (damn tandem parking), I had to wait for the elevator to come back down to the bottom level before I could return to my apartment.  I couldn't believe that someone had called for the elevator in the minimal amount of time it took to get in my car, let my roommate out, re-park and head back over to the elevator.  Luckily, it came back down in an expedient fashion, so my frustration subsided.  As the doors opened, I noticed the cleaning supplies left in the elevator which only could mean one thing.  The cleaning crew for my building was here, which is a surprise since today is Friday.  However, I figured a clean building is a happy building, and I silently commended them for coming twice this week.

As I rode the three flights up back to my apartment to eat my breakfast that was waiting for me and had inevitably cooled to a temperature slightly below what I like to consume food, I stared into the bucket containing the cleaning supplies.  Standard, generic label products rest there, as I suspected given the fact no cleaning crew ever buys name brand.  However, one stand-out item alarmed me more than others.  There was an aerosol spray can, possibly window cleaner, that had rusted around the top where the nozzle is.  My question is:  How on earth could this can still have cleaner in it for a long enough period of time that it would accumulate rust?

I'm not sure how cleaning crews for apartment building work.  Perhaps they store supplies at each location and simply move the crew from place to place.  Or they might pack their supplies and travel as a full caravan, workers and supplies, to each property that KMK Management controls in Los Angeles.  Either way, they are at least cleaning my building once, or in today's case twice, a week using the same products.  If they take their products to other buildings, then the amount of use of each product goes up exponentially.

I ask you, devoted readers of LIOHI, when was the last time you owned anything that rusted?  If you have, I'm sure it was sooner than later discarded and replaced.  How little cleaning is my building doing?  What was in that can?  Is the thing being cleaned by that can also getting sprayed with rust particles?

I'm taking another shower today.

"Because your kiss is on my list - and it's also the SICK ASS of the Week." By Nicole

Picture, if you will, this scenario:

A lovely spring evening in 2003. You and Dude* (* = name has been changed to protect the hates its) end a great date by rolling around in his double bed. The fun of the evening is only made better by the fact that Dude happens to be a great kisser. Thank God. The next day you wake up with swollen lips and a swollen sense of accomplishment.

Fast forward a few years...you and Dude stage a catch-up at a local bar. You end the date by (sort of) rolling around in his car. The fun of the evening is...wait. Hang on a damn minute. What the hell is he doing? Why is my chin wet? Could it be??? Dude has become -

A BAD KISSER!!!!!!!!!

Has this shit ever happened to you?? I don't understand it but I've seen it at least three whole times. Time does not matter. I've seen the shift occur over a span of two months and up to two years. It's like these guys take some How-to-Become-a-Horrible-Kisser Master Class while we're away. Is there a tutorial? Does Sally Struthers hock the courses in commercials between back episodes of This Old House?

What the eff is going on?!?

I don't know, but I personally HATES IT. If you're gonna be a good kisser you'd better keep that shit up. You can't just all of a sudden decide to let your tongue flap around all wills-nills. Seriously. That would be like Carrie Bradshaw opting to echew the Manolos and start shopping at Fayva.

Sick ASS.

Sick Ass of the Week: "OnLine Dating is Effing Hilarious" by Nicole

I thought this was as good a time as any to post some of the funnier (ie - more ridiculous) emails I've received in the last week.

Here we go.


Just checking out your profile and before I go on check out mine maybe we can chat some more, lata
Nick

Nick. Wow. I like that name. You know what else I like? PUNCTUATION. Next.

ahhh haha funny profile i like it anyways move ober i am sure ui can fit in that taxi too damn it...lol my name is rich liked your profile and your pics love to chat sometime...thanx rich

Oh, Richie Rich. I don't even know where to begin with this. Ober? Ui? You're drunk aren't you? Next.


Happy Saturday!!
Damn its cold out. Well I really have no idea where to start but lets see, I work as a police officer and absolutely love it. I've worked hard all my life, on my own since I was 17, and definitely appreciate where I am today.I've never been married, no kids, don't smoke, and live alone. I do have the best group of friends and ultimately want my partner to be as well.Communication and trust are important to me. The poster/quote on my way says it best:"Honesty: Better to fail with honor, than succeed by fraud" :-)I consider myself affectionate and I want a partner that is as well. Ultimately I'm looking for my best friend.Fitness is important to me. I don't judge anyone else, but I'd like a partner who can relate to the dedication it takes to be fit. I go to the gym 5-days a week, and run regularly, eat a good diet :-)I'm not into games, or drama. I'm just a simple easy going guy looking for the same :-). I'm always happy, appreciate the little things, and see the best in everyone.I guess anything else you wanna know, just ask! I'm an open book.Have a GREAT day!
xoxoKen

Did you guys fall asleep half way through that? Yeah. me too. Next.

Hey :)
How are you?
Are you romantic?
You are a direct and sincere person?
What are your favorite books?
I used to be a Criminal lawyer in Brazil...now I am finishing a second degree at BU
Wes

This one should've just read: "Hi. Name Wes. Don't do English so good. Wes"


Uh - my sides hurt. This site delivered like Dominoes. More horror/hilarious stories to follow, I'm sure.