"LIOHI and Dropping the Bomb" or "He Blinded Me with Science...tology"

"A Shameless Plug for Increased Viewership" or 'I'll take my top off if you will."

Loves It or Hates It: Return of the Spoos

"Mail Sack Vlog: Part Two" or "Vegans: More trouble than they're worth?"

"Mail Sack Vlog: Part One" or "A Spoo's Guide to Bodily Fluid Placement"

"Oscar Fashion - Loves it Or Hates It" or "How to look like a radish rosette without really trying" by Nicole

You know it's a disappointing night on the red carpet when your fave dress is worn by one of the male nominees' wives. That said, this frosting-colored grecian number can TALK TA ME! Perfectly executed, by the way, as well. Minimal jewlelry and a sparkling clutch. Well done, host of Shear Genius, well done.

Oh wait, that's Matthew McConaughey's wife. Oh well. Still lovesin' the crap out of this dress.

The HATES ITs

Thank you, Vera Farmiga, for inspiring the title of this blog. That said, what the Farmiga were you thinking? The color is gorge, but the oddly-situated ruffles are reminiscent of a garnish we once saw on our plate of fish tacos at The Cheesecake Factory. It also reminds us of that fluffy gray creation Chloe Sevigny wore to the Globes. PS - we hated THAT dress, too.

Dear Faith Hill - we understand that "a Mississippi girl don't change her ways"...but we kinda wish she would. You look like a Saloon girl from an old Western town. The one standing around, fanning herself, while all the hot Saloon girls get the business in the back room.

Jennifer Lopez and Demi Moore - I'm so glad these two were photographed together. It saved me room in my "Oscars - Hates It" file for more pictures. J-Lo, please add "dresses made of lilac bubble wrap" to your list of things NEVER to do again. Right next to "Sing live on SNL" and "marry a waiter".

Demi - I'm trying to explain, in a non-vulgar way, that this dress looks like it was sewn from the extra skin lying around the office of Dr. 90210. I don't think it worked. Sick ass. Love the chunky, matchy-matchy shoes, though. That David's Bridal sure can dye the shit out of a satin platform.

Kate Winslet - you know those separates that just work together so well, you'd SWEAR it was an elegant evening gown??? Yeah, we don't either.

Sarah Jessica Parker - this dress was a bigger disappointment that Season 5 of SATC. I really liked it sitting down...from far away...not in HD. That said, you are still a fashion goddess in my eyes, and I am going to pretend that you had something WAY better picked out, but then James Wilkie drew on it with Sharpie and the twins threw up on the train. You had no choice. (...Please tell us you had no choice)

Zoe Saldana - this dress is beautiful. Kind of like how childbirth is beautiful. Oh, the humanity! I kind of want to hang her from a tree and whack her with a stick until Smarties fall out. Abrupt dip dye...and is that a SLIT?!? I need to sit down.

The LOVES ITs

Nicole Richie - There are very few 80 lb. four-foot waifs who could pull off this much of a dress, and most of them are gay men. Bravo, Ms. Richie for having the panache of a drag queen necessary to make this dress a winner. It's very "Bianca Jagger walk of shame"...in a good way!

Diane Cruger - Homegirl Loves herself some Chanel. Not that I can blame her. This dress definitely had its share of haters, but I'm rushing to its defense. LOVE the black details popping against the french vanilla crepe paper folds of the bodice and hem. And the center section, with the crimped-ruffle detail...well, let's just say it's a good thing this bitch doesn't eat solids. Another stunner from that bitchy gay, Karl Lagerfeld, that makes us want to have wine for dinner.

Shut your mouth, Molly Ringwald! I love this dress! Granted, I'd like to bust out my seam ripper and remove that art-noveau bit at the waist, and replace that cuff with a yellow-diamond bangle...but a hot dress nonetheless. It almost makes me forget about the droopy Laura Ashley florals from days of yore. ...Almost.

All in all, WAY more hates it than loves it. But hey, I got a blog out of it.

C'est la vie.

"How to Dress Your Age" or "My Size Barbie Needs a Better Wig" by Tregg

In case you didn't watch VH1 Diva's Live (shame on you!), here is the dress Kim Zolciak wore that I discuss in the vlog below.

Enjoy and discuss.

"The future is nigh" or "I finally braved my iMovie program." by Tregg

That's right, folks! LIOHI has crossed over to YouTube. I am almost done uploading my first LIOHI video blog, and I am kind of excited. As soon as I was finished, I thought about changing my clothes and repositioning my laptop to do another video, giving the illusion that it was another day. But alas, I didn't do that and will only present one video tonight.

Warning: I did this VERY off the cuff and some of what I say doesn't make sense. For example, I don't explain who Kim Zolciak is, partly assuming that most of you would know, and partly because I forgot. And at the end, I meant to say I couldn't find a "clean" version of the song, meaning without the Ryan Seacrest junk on it. But after re-watching, that didn't really come across. However, there were some funny moments that I wanted to keep. And since I'm not about to start editing at this stage, I just kept it all.

Loves it? Hates it?

"Dear T-Mobile" or "Diary of a Mad Black Texter" by Nicole

I took a big step this year.

A heavy texter from the get-go, I'd spent years doing it the old-fashioned way. Every time I got a new phone, the first thing I would do was go to Message Settings > Language > T-9 Prediction > OFF.

When I got my new slider phone this past December, I figured it was a good time to venture into the unknown. Sure, it was scary, it was unfamiliar, and I had no idea if it would be a success. But I did know this - my thumbs were fucking killing me.

I left my Samsung's settings alone and created my very first "T-9 Prediction ON" text.

It's been seven months now, and I'm glad I made the change. Texts take less time, and my rings fit again, which is great. The only qualm I have, really, with prediction is that, well - it's kind of a moron.

Every two texts I have to enter a word into my phone's lexicon that it doesn't know. It's starting to get annoying. Alas, that's the price you pay for convenience.

That said, here is my plea - if there are any LIOHI readers who happen to work for the T-Mobes, here's a list of words I use often that I implore you to add into the T-9 Prediction-ary.

exfoliant
facebook
Dunkin'
pissing
OMG
cankles
serio-comedy
slutty
bitches
slutty bitches
hot ass
makeup
FML
boob
fucking
frigging
shitting
pinot grigio



Thank you.

Sick Ass of the Week: "The O.C" by Nicole

As in: Oh, SEE how ugly this dress is?

This reminds me of my mom's old Chadwick's Catalogs. There was always that one dress: Long sleeves, four panel skirt, twelve colors, twenty sizes, zero style.

I wonder is Misch opted for the 5 day freight or overnight shipping...

Quoth the Blogger, "Hatesitmore!"

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I slept half-naked and weary,

Over many a carbo-loaded dinner I ate just until,

While I laid there, probably snoring, since TV that night was hella boring,

And then I heard this awful screeching, screening out my window sill,

"Tis some cats," I thought, "Humping outside my window sill,

They bang all day, yet want more still.

The the noise grew more distinct and telling,

By the break of dawn, I believed it more,

For I had heard it yesterday at a different hour,

It was a crow, perched high above once more,

A bird of black, irritating as before,

Quoth the blogger, "Hatesitmore!"

While I could not sleep with this awful yapping,

But his screeching continued, forevermore,

I devised a plan to engage his silence,

So that my ears could be relieved of sore,

To my balcony I retreated swiftly,

Grabbed some ice, I grabbed it tightly,

I tossed it at the bird, "Hatesitmore!"

And the crow, quickly puzzled, quickly fleeing, quickly fleeing,

From the lines outside my window sill, like the Raven of Poe's lore,

I crept back to sleep, eyes are heavy,

Wanting sleep more than ever before,

Thankful my ice worked on that bird from the lore,

Quoth the blogger, "Hatesitmore!"

This Line is Trash: "(House of) Dereon" by Nicole

**Sigh** As if the clearance racks at Marshall's weren't crowded enough...Beyonce and her Beyond-Sane mother, Tina Knowles, just keep churning out their sick-ass designs like there's no tomorrow.

The tagline they've chosen for HOD (Hates of Dereon) is "From the Catwalk to the Sidewalk". I guess "From the Catwalk to the Sidewalk...to Ross Dress for Less to The Back of Your Closet to Goodwill to the Ass of a Homeless Crack Whore" was too long.

And, just in case you were worried your daughter would make it to Junior High with her virginity intact: There's a girls line!

...If Bennifer were back together I'd swear the Apocalypse was upon us.

"Is This Blog Vapid?" or "My thoughts on Gossip Girl and Censorship" by Tregg

I have to say, I was a little less than pleased with last night's television programming.  While I could spend a whole blog dedicated to my first point, I will try to be as succinct as possible.  My Monday nights are highlighted-- if not bolded, italicized, and underlined by Gossip Girl.  It's a wonderful display of all the things I pretend I have in life-- wealth, style, social class, high cheek bones-- but don't and secretly, or not so secretly want.  It has had a pretty good run this season, from the Hamptons to the slammer, and as this season comes to a close, I have some beef with the producers.  I know you want to promote this new spin-off show, but did I really have to sit through the bulk of my Monday night guilty pleasure watching Brittany Snow try on reject Madonna music video costumes?

Sigh.  

Granted, after a a full episode of this new abomination, I'm sure I will slide head-first into LOVES IT, but trivializing Serena and Dan's reunion at prom and Blair's realization that Nate and she are donezo seems a bit unjust.  Wait, those things are trivial?  Shit.

After Brittany Snow's mugshot graced our screen, we promptly channel surfed on over to ABC Family, the station you can bring home to your mother.  They were, probably reluctantly, playing Mean Girls, which is most assuredly a violation of their stringent "Only play shows and movies that aren't funny" policy.

This movie is appropriately rated PG-13 because all of the characters keep their clothes on and no F Bombs are dropped.  However, AB-Sorry you can't say "bitch" Family, diluted it down to a blasphemous PG rating.  Here is a small smattering of words you can and cannot say on ABC Family, as heard in Mean Girls.

CAN:

-Byotch

-Fat Virgin

-Lesbian

-Too gay to function

CANNOT:

-Dyke

-Bitch

-Fat Whore

-Africa

Ok, I made that last one up, but you get the idea.

Bottom line, don't waste your time with Mean Girls on television.  Unless its on Showtime, and then you can hope to see a nip slip from someone.  Just hopefully not Damien.

Here's to a much more tantalizing Tuesday evening of television.  What's on again?  90210?  

Perfect.

Hates it: "Buying Clothes for Work" by Nicole

"You're wearing that same shirt AGAIN?"

I probably would've come back with some bitchy remark like "...You're a bitch!", but she's my niece. And she's eight.

I'm in serious need of some biz casj, but typically, when it comes to shopping for work clothes, I'd rather do community service with Naomi Campbell while she's on the rag and has a purse-full of Iphones.

Maybe I'll pull a Marge Simpson, and every night I'll go home and rip up my Faconnable button down and Banana Republic flat-fronts and turn then into a fabulous-yet-appropriate cocktail dress...and then a jumpsuit...and then a PONCHO!

::Sigh:: I suppose until I get a job for which the dress code is described as "quirky, fabulous, and sort of schizo", I'm doomed to purchase more button downs and flat fronts.

See you bitches at Kohl's.

Is It Just Us...?

Or does this picture look just a smidge familiar...

We wonder if they have Kiddie Spinning Classes at Promises?

Good luck, anyway, Lila.

"MySpace: A Place for Hates it" by Nicole

OK, to be clear, I don't know this chick. I just Google Imaged "MySpace Whore" and her picture happened to be among the first 10 results. And, to boot, it's hilarious. Win-Win.

Ah, MySpace. Where do I begin? Now, be aware, this is not going to be the commonly seen "I'm a Facebook convert so now MySpace can suck it" blog. This has nothing to do with Facebook. It has to do with the fact that MySpace has gone from a social networking tool to a social network for tools. Somehow, the lines got blurred and it is now THE source for hooking up with virtual strangers.

MySpace: A Place for Pussy.

I've pulled out. No pun intended. I'm almost mid-twenties, I can't be associated with these cyber sluts and the men who love to catch the clap from them. I mean, co-authoring a controversial and all-around offensive public blog is one thing, but THIS....it's too much.

So, alas, you won't find this face on the 'Space.

But, not to worry. I can still be reached for hookups via text.

HATES IT: Seasonal Merch in Retail Stores

Don't get us wrong, we love a good sale.  And with the sagging economy (what sagging economy? ugh, we're over it too) sales are more and more frequent.  Loves it.  However, and we're sure we're not alone here, we hate having such a small window to capitalize on these amazing deals.

For example, Tregg still loses sleep over a Calvin Klein leather moto cross jacket circa 2005 that was on sale for $60, originally priced $270 that was in his size but he did not buy.  After realizing this grave error, he returned to the store only to find said outerwear to be gone.  Of course.

For another example, Nicole... well the examples are plentiful, let's say.  Girl never met a sale she didn't loves.

But the other thing we hates is how seasons dictate what our favorite stores carry.  That cashmere sweater you saw in February but couldn't bring yourself to buy?  Well, it's March, and some other bitch is wearing it now.  Those brown Marc Jacob flip flops you didn't buy because you have some DKNY ones, but are now realizing that you foolishly bought those too big....no one?  Just us?  Well, those MJ flips are now in white and black only and in bright accent colors like green and blue.

Dear Retailers,

We understand the capitalism drive to sale price your items and to only stock certain merch for a limited amount of time.  But we are still mourning the loss of jackets, shoes, purses, and sunglasses that someone else is wearing and probably not looking as good as us in.

Sincerely hates it,

LIOHI

"If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you like watching 'Fail' vids on YouTube, too?" by Tregg

I'm going to pose some rhetorical questions in this blog, just as a warning. I don't want them answered. I will just take your silence as agreement. I know I'm in the minority of this issue, and that's ok.

Does anyone know how this whole "____ Fail"  craze started?  For example, the picture i this blog would be a "driving fail."

I don't know what this means.  Of course, I get it.  But when did accidents or, I'll indulge the phenomenon, "failures" start being dubbed "fails" ?  I think the first time I heard this word, it was used in a sentence and the person barely provided enough context for me to understand.

"Hey, Tregg.  Have you seen that dance fail video?"

No, I have not.  And what the hell does that mean??!!  I'm all for the latest trends and keeping up on lingo, and even shortening words to the brink of incomprehension.  But I hate watching YouTube videos.  And I hate that overnight a viral video sensation known as "fail blogs" and "fail videos" was born.  Why is the American public supposed to know what this is?  Who coined this term?

I don't get it, and I'm not jumping on this bandwagon.

Although, that table fail video of the fat girl singing atop a table and falling off was pretty funny.

What am I saying??!?!?!

This Song is Trash: "Soulmate" by Natasha Bedingfield

Kudos to Ms. Bedingfield for working the word "transitory" into a song.

Other than that, we're not impressed. Perhaps the suits at her record label decided to launch this trash as her next single because she recently tied the knot. That's the only explanation there could possibly be for subjecting the public to this crap.

Valiant effort, Natash - but, please, stick to your uptempo jams. After all - Speidi may be doing a spin-off and they're gonna need a theme song.

May we suggest "Pocketful of Hates it"?

That's brilliant. Someone get our agent on the phone.

What? We don't have an agent? ...Hates it.

This day is going to hell in a hand basket.

We start our days pretty routinely. 

-Wake up.

-Pee.

-Shower.

-Get dressed.

-Make breakfast.

-Go to work.

-Log on to Facebook.

But not today.  Today, we encountered this horrifying error message while signing on.

Facebook Login
Account Unavailable
Your account is temporarily unavailable due to site maintenance. It should be available again within a few hours. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Oh, hell no!  What are we supposed to do all day?  A few hours? But...but...what if people upload pictures?  How will we know if our friends run into people they hate at the store?

This day is going to take forever.  We curse you, Facebook.  

Oh, wait.  It works now.  We just tried again.

*Phew*