Hot Ass of The Week: "Let's 'Bu This...In March" by Tregg

It's that time again. 

Spring breakers are returning to college from their trips to Ft. Lauderdale and young professionals all over the country are wishing they still had spring breaks to take.

Well, the West Coast Office of LIOHI just checked the forecast and that only means one thing:

LET'S 'BU THIS.

We're starting beach season off tomorrow.  Bring your sunblock, your anti-wrinkle SPF 15 facial lotion, and your Summer Jams iPod playlist, because we're getting tan before Easter.

Sick Ass of the Week: "All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Hates It" by Nicole

Question. Why did I have to suffer all of 2008 listening to that vile "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne...yet THIS song is too inappropriate for the airwaves?

"For the children?" Give me a break. I'm an almost mid-twenties woman, and until Tregg explained it to me, I had NO idea what this song was about. I highly doubt my eight year old niece is going to catch on.

Please, FCC. Don't deprive me of my Britney. Play that shit. I think it's the least you can do to make up for all the trash Ne-Yo has been putting out lately.

Sick ass.

"Actually, I could wait to see you again." -by Tregg

Let me explain.

I was looking up a picture for this blog on Google Images (I'll wait patiently for my product placement fee).  I was hoping to find a nice and perhaps slutty picture of Miley Cyrus to go with the headline.  Well, friends, this is one of the pictures that came up.

WHAT??!!

Wow, Ruben Studdard has really let himself go.

Ok, now onto business.

Semi-recently, I was on AIM and saw a friend online, and I wanted to say hello.  I clicked on there name and typed the simple three-letter word:  "hey."

Oops.

I accidentally clicked on the screen name BELOW the person I meant to contact.  Now, instead of saying "hey" to someone I saw a few days ago, I accidentally initiated conversation with someone who was in my advanced trigonometry class senior year of high school.

"Remember that time we made funny graphs on our TI-83s?"

With Lady Luck never being on my side, this person was not "away" and was probably right in front of the computer and saw my message pop up.  While we have no dark clouds over our past to make for an odd conversation, I was still hoping said person was watching porn or some other consuming activity that would keep me from having to come up with more idle chatter to follow up my random "hey."

He did reply, and I think I tossed in such cliches and self-confessed cringe-worthy conversation techniques such as "long time no chat" and "how's Ohio treating you?  Oh, sounds fun."  Luckily, we both bored ourselves in Guiness-record speed that this conversation did not last long.

Now I'll add "People I don't chat with but keep on my buddy list to look popular in the event someone else other than me uses my computer" to my list of friend categories.

That Song is Trash: "I Decided - Solange"

On a recent trip to local eatery "Hamburger Mary's" our ear drums had the misfortune of exposure to this abhorrent little gem by Beyonce's little sister.

We're not sure what is worse:  The fact that we thought this song was 20 years old (it's throwback sound is less "Ain't No Other Man" by Christina and more "It's Raining Men" by Geri Halliwell.) or the fact that the video looks like it was made with construction paper by 4th graders.

Having heard this song on our iTunes radio at work, we were shocked to learn it was actually Solange.  Just another classic example that younger siblings, although usually passing through the gateway to commercial marketability much easier due to their famous older relatives, often do not deserve the shot that they get.

Well, we take that back for one exception.  After all, then we wouldn't have Ashlee Simpson.....-Wentz.

Hall of Hates It

Here at LIOHI, we're experts at offending people. It's become like a full-time job. After all, not everyone is going to loves it.

However, we often find ourselves on the receiving end of the offensive. Here's a list of a few "hates its" we'll hates till we just can't hates no more:

1. The Drop Ceiling

Invented in God-knows-when by God-knows who, this is right at the top of our Hates It list. The worst possible scenario is a drop ceiling at a wedding. Ugh. We're judging you. Deal with it.

2. People who can't take a joke

I'm sorry that you felt the need to stop the world to point out that our comment was distasteful, but let's be honest...you walked right into it. And if you want to throw the word "distasteful" around...let's talk about that outfit for a second.

3. "Diva" by Beyonce

This.

Song.

Is.

Trash.

4. The new Coach Cs

Congratulations, Coach. You now resemble YOUR OWN knockoff. Hates it.

5. Mischa Barton

Why are we still seeing pictures of this girl? She's been out of the scene longer than that girl who was in Waterworld and Andre. You know. The one about the seal? Shouldn't Mischa be living on a beach somewhere running a surf shop by now? ...We can't.

"Dye, Bitch, Dye" by Nicole

It's officially a recession, people. I know, this is hardly late-breaking blog-worthy gossip, but in this shit-show of an economy, I know you're all looking for ways to save some dough.

And so, behold - your new BFF. Rit dye.

I confess, I spent many a year of my life passing by these square paper boxes in CVS or Michael's Crafts, thinking "Wow. That looks like a huge undertaking" but, I am happy to report, I am now a gigantic fan of Rit. It's so easy. All you need is a big bucket and some hot water. The recipe on the box suggests that you add 1 Tbsp detergent and 1 cup of salt for best results...but that's just a suggestion. You know. Like stop signs.

Most recently, I used a box of black to turn a pair of perfectly distressed, yet unperfectly colored (who makes off-white anymore, anyway?) skinny jeans into a raven-hued masterpiece. With plenty of dye-bath left over, I threw in my fave pair of skinny black pants that had long ago faded into a sad, fuzzy, annoying, off-black. And, after 30 minutes in the bucket and a quick rinse cycle in the wash.......................perfection!

So, save your money. Don't re-buy your wardrobe: revive your wardrobe! $2.29 buys a box with enough dye to breathe new life into at least five garments.

And the next time you're at Zara, and they only have that vest left in Navy, don't hates it. Don't debates it. Just freakin' GETS it!

Trust me, once you go black, you'll never..not...go black.

Thanks, you dyes!

We Kill Us

We can't lie. We crack ourselves up. We've also taken to writing down the hilarious things we say.

...Is that shallow? Enjoy.

Tregg: "I saw these hot ass boots somewhere - I forget where - and I was like "I bet Spoo would fucking loves it."

Nicole: "Hot ass."

Tregg: Yeah, they were black leather with these straps up to the ankle and a peep toe and the straps were velcro, and they were, like, grey or something."

Nicole: "Wait...the ones I blogged about?"

Tregg: "...Oh, THAT'S where I saw them."

Nicole: "You fucking idiot."

Tregg: "Do you think it's ok if we bought the Jonas Brothers CD?"

Nicole: "That depends. How old are we?"

Tregg: "Almost mid-twenties."

Nicole: "...No."

::AIM at Work::

Nicole: "Ugh. 12 mins til I take my break. What can we do for 12 minutes?"

Tregg: "Hmm...........what song can we replace the word "hates" in a lot and type it back and forth to each other?"

Tregg: "Elliott told me cottage cheese helps your muscles not to deteriorate if you eat it before you go to bed."

Nicole: "Loves it. ...Wait. Who the fuck is Elliot?"

Tregg: "So, "Piece of Me" is nominated for a VMA."

Nicole: "What?!"

Tregg: "I know. That video was trash."

::outside Tregg's apartment to pick him up::

Nicole: "Hey, we're outside."

Tregg: "Ok, I'll be right down. Are you guys bringing real clothes or just your bathing suits?"

Nicole: "Well I have a cardigan and a little skirt on over mine, and Matj is wearing a polo and his ugly board shorts. ...Oh, I gotta go, he's giving me a look."

Tregg: "Have you seen the Disturbia video?"

Nicole: "No. Is it hot ass or sick ass?"

Tregg: "It's hot ass in a sick ass way."

(After watching an Elephant paint a self-portrait on YouTube)

Tregg: "How does he know what he looks like?"

Nicole: "He's around other elephants, you retard!"

Tregg: "Oh my God. Forget I said that."

Nicole: "Hey, that guy's is cute."

Tregg: "Yeah. We hooked up a few times. He has this amazing place in Sunset Plaza."

Nicole: "Hot ASS!"

Tregg: "Yeah. I'd fuck him for the real estate alone."

Nicole: "Ugh, Spoo, I totally pigged on ice cream last night."

Tregg: "Spooey! That's not on the Hills Duff Diet Plan!"

Nicole: "Whatever! I was exasperated. ...It was exasper-eating."

Tregg: "Yay, PUNS!!"

Nicole: "Look at us! We should make babies."

Tregg: "But we both hate kids."

Nicole: "...oh."

::Morning after a party during which Tregg vomited::

Nicole: "How you feeling today, Spoo?

Tregg: "Like a million bucks, actually."

Nicole: "You are so lucky you puked up those chips we ate."

Tregg: "I know, right?!"

Nicole: "Jealous."

"Hates'd And Confused" by Nicole

Since when is "do you smoke pot?" considered a good conversation starter? What kind of reaction do these guys think they're going to get, anyway?

"Why yes, I do! Do you have any? Oh my God, let's go out into the parking lot and spark it and then have sex!"

Here's what I really have to say: No, ok. I do not smoke pot. Nor am I attracted to pot or people who habitually smoke it. I hate it, quite frankly. Between the smell, the tiny lip-wrinkle-inducing joints and the ridiculous-looking paraphernalia, I just can't. There is nothing attractive about it.

No judgement. If this is the kind of thing you're into, that's fine. But can we please remove this question from the "getting to know you" vernacular? So NOT sexy.

Time to Retire/This Song is Trash: "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat (by Nicole)

Seriously? If I hear this song one more time in the car, I'm going to have to drive into a tree and just end it.

I can't. The saccharin-sweet lyrics, the sophomoric rhymes...someone kill me.

Why was this even a hit?? It's not even a good song! And as far as annoying melodies to get stuck in your head go, it ranks right up there with "It's a Small World"! I mean, COME ON!

It starts at my toes

Makes me crinkle my nose...

Choke me with a hose

Cause this song effing blows.

Honestly, between this shit-show of a song and "Unwell" by Matchbox 20, I'm ready to lose my mind.

"You can stand under my Hates-brella" by Nicole

Did you guys hear? There's a new game show coming this spring. it's called "Who's the Bigger Idiot?", and it stars these two D-Bags.

At first, I shared the same sentiment/run-on thought as pretty much everyone out there, which was: "Chris Brown is an asshole and you never hit a woman and poor Rihanna."

Now that sentiment has changed to: "Chris Brown is an asshole and you never hit a woman and poor Rihanna who is a moron and is setting a horrible example for all of her young female fans for getting back together with Chris Brown who is an asshole."

Chris: I hates it.

Rihanna: I DOUBLE hates it. Get the hell out of there!
PS - I love your bolero.

They tried to make me say "I hates it", I said "No, no, no!" by Nicole

While Tregg is drunk-tanning in Cancun this week, I thought I'd come up with a fabulous gimmicky blog post to pass the time. After much debates-ing and a little hates-ing, here's what I came up with: Announcing....

The first Ever...

LIOHI Fantasy Rehab Draft!!!!!!!!

Basically, it's just like Fantasy Baseball except with drugs and booze.

Here are my personal picks (step off, bitches) for 2009:

1. Lindsay Lohan

You know how it goes. The skinnier you are, the lower your tolerance for alcohol. And...crack. She'll be beligerent at The Ivy in no time.

2. Samantha Ronson

Because those two do EVERYTHING together.

3. Lily Allen

Most recently, Miss Allen went bat-shit crazy on a photog who accidentally bumped her car, causing her to spill her drink. See you at Promises.

What are YOUR picks for this year's draft?

"Everybody let go, we can make the dance floor just like a Hates It." by Nicole

Britney, we know you're on tour and this is just a costume - but we hates it. You look like one of those old Owl Salt N Pepper shakers from the 50s.

"That (Weird) Thing You Do" by Nicole

Ok, I must admit - in response to Tregg's previous post - that I too, have a whack-ass habit that rears its ugly head when approached by people for an opinion.

I lie.

I'm a big fat liar.

Not in the "No, your ass does not look fat in that skirt" feelings-sparing kind of way, because we all do that but...ok, here's a scenario.

Tregg: "Have you heard that new Nicole Sherzinger song, Baby Love?"

Nicole: (never heard of it) "Oh my god, yes! Do you loves it?"

Tregg: "I HATES it. That song is trash."

Nicole: "I know. I double hates it."

OR - I have this other habit where I don't want to admit that I have no idea what I'm talking about it, so I answer a question WITH a question. Like this:

Guest: "Does your barbecue sauce have bacon in it?"

Nicole: "Do you love it?"

Guest: "Yeah, it's really good."

Nicole: "Loves it."

::walks away::

OK, I have no idea what's in the frigging barbecue sauce! Who am I, Paul Newman?

The point is: we all have a little quirk about us that we're not proud of, so don't worry, Spoo. You're only Spoo-man.

"You've heard of the random ass song, too?! I LOVE that random ass song." by Tregg

I want to admit a weird thing that I do.  Every time I do it I feel kind of like a loser, but it never stops me from repeating the action.  And no, I don't mean removing toilet paper rolls when I see the sheet coming from behind.  I always want it to come over the top from the front.  I never understand why people put the rolls on backward.  I mean, I guess some people don't care, so it's just a 50/50 shot, but seriously, people....

But I digress.

I won't speak for Nicole, but let me know, spoo, if you do this too.  Or anyone else, let me know if you do this.  Have you ever had someone ask you if you have heard of some really obscure song, movie, television show, etc, and you have but were convinced no one else had seen or heard of it?  When that happens to me, I always reply:  "Yes!  I LOVE [that thing]!"

What?  Those who know me know I'm not too easily excitable.  I do however, get really excited when a random interest of mine is somewhat validated by a friend.  They don't even have to like or love the thing they asked me about, they just have to have heard of it, and I am thrilled.

For example:

Friend:  "Have you ever heard that song 'Best Best' by Missy Elliott?"

Me:  "Yes!!! I LOVE that song"  

Friend:  "Oh, really?  That song is trash."

Me:  "...oh, well I mean...I don't love love it.  It's ok."