Loves It or Hates It: Return of the Spoos

"Loves It or Haitis It" or "People Who I Wish Were at The Telethon" by Tregg

I'll confess one thing to you all right now: I did not watch the Haiti Telethon. I'm sorry. At one point while I was at working, I turned it on several stations I knew were carrying it, and I didn't see it. By the time I got home, I had forgotten. That's what happens when I blast my "Shut It Down" playlist on the way home. My mind wanders off, and I lose focus.

But I did watch some of the amazing performances on YouTube and was very touched by everyone's involvement in such a great cause.

That being said, I owe it to myself and this blog to point out a few things that did this poor country no justice during this tragedy.

Beyonce's performance of Halo was a sight to be seen. First of all, she had a wig on that reminded me of that female muppet who I think was a hippie and had no eyes, just hair covering half of her face. What was her name? Secondly, she subbed in "Haiti" over the word "baby" in the lyric, "Haiti, I can see you halo, don't you know you're my saving grace?" That seems a little easy, but thankfully this didn't happen to another country, for Beyonce's sake at least. "Dominican Republic, I can see you halo." would've been a little clumsy melodically. And last, but not least, she didn't bother to rewrite the opening lyrics. "Remember these walls I built, well baby they're tumbling down." Yikes.

However, the song is very beautiful, and she did sing it very well. And a little more promotion for her I Am... Sasha Fierce album can't hurt, right?

Hearing Beyonce's personalized performance got me and my friends wondering how other musicians could tailor their songs to fit the cause, in the most tacky and inappropriate ways possible. [Warning, this will come across as insensitive, but I mean it only for a good chuckle. Frankly, I'll spare you all some of the more awful renditions we've concocted.]

Beyonce

"All my single Haitis / All my single Haitis / Now put your hands up"

Britney Spears

"It's Haiti, bitch"

Jay Sean

"Haiti, are you down down down down down?"

I'll stop now, but if this isn't received with hate mail and de-friending on Facebook, maybe I'll include more.

And yes, I'm donating money ASAP.

*Thanks, Nicole, for the amazing idea for the title of this blog

"Two Girls, One Face" or "Someone's Publicist Needs Fired For Approving These Photos" by Tregg

On your left, a promotional photo of a certain pop star on the inside booklet of her latest CD.

On your right, a still frame of a teen dramedy star in a commercial for Tuesday night's episode.

Britney, meet Jessica Lowndes. And vice versa.

Seriously people, my headshots from when I tried to do modeling at 16 years old were better. And I was wearing a lot of makeup for those pictures because I hadn't started taking Accutane yet.

"Oh, no she DIDN'T" or "Peg Bundy called, she thinks you look sick ass" by Tregg

Now, I've taken issue with this whole campaign from the jump off.  I've politely kept my mouth shut.  But now, my journalistic injunction is being involuntarily lifted by the code of conduct I hold for myself.  After all, I was voted Best Dressed Class of 2002 at Vermilion High School.

Britney Spears, while she has been through the ringer in the past few years (don't get me started) was once Donatella Versace's muse.  She's now doing a Candie's campaign.  For Kohl's?

Oh, hell no.

Furthermore, they decided to stick her in this banded, faux leopard--which is probably made of velvet, sick ass--jacket with leater--read:  pleather--piping.   I don't know what era that is from, but it is certainly not from 2009.  

But more importantly, I find it hysterical that Britney cannot even muster a hot face for this picture.  You know there were about 500 shots in this outfit to get a good look, and we get THIS.   Bitch knows this outfit is trash, and can't fake it.

For that, I salute you, Britney Spears.  Now go wipe some fried chicken grease on this coat and get a frappucino.

Sick Ass of the Week: "All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Hates It" by Nicole

Question. Why did I have to suffer all of 2008 listening to that vile "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne...yet THIS song is too inappropriate for the airwaves?

"For the children?" Give me a break. I'm an almost mid-twenties woman, and until Tregg explained it to me, I had NO idea what this song was about. I highly doubt my eight year old niece is going to catch on.

Please, FCC. Don't deprive me of my Britney. Play that shit. I think it's the least you can do to make up for all the trash Ne-Yo has been putting out lately.

Sick ass.