LA Survival Guide: Part 2

LA Survival Guide: Part 1

"Mail Sack Vlog: Part Two" or "Vegans: More trouble than they're worth?"

"The future is nigh" or "I finally braved my iMovie program." by Tregg

That's right, folks! LIOHI has crossed over to YouTube. I am almost done uploading my first LIOHI video blog, and I am kind of excited. As soon as I was finished, I thought about changing my clothes and repositioning my laptop to do another video, giving the illusion that it was another day. But alas, I didn't do that and will only present one video tonight.

Warning: I did this VERY off the cuff and some of what I say doesn't make sense. For example, I don't explain who Kim Zolciak is, partly assuming that most of you would know, and partly because I forgot. And at the end, I meant to say I couldn't find a "clean" version of the song, meaning without the Ryan Seacrest junk on it. But after re-watching, that didn't really come across. However, there were some funny moments that I wanted to keep. And since I'm not about to start editing at this stage, I just kept it all.

Loves it? Hates it?

"Dear T-Mobile" or "Diary of a Mad Black Texter" by Nicole

I took a big step this year.

A heavy texter from the get-go, I'd spent years doing it the old-fashioned way. Every time I got a new phone, the first thing I would do was go to Message Settings > Language > T-9 Prediction > OFF.

When I got my new slider phone this past December, I figured it was a good time to venture into the unknown. Sure, it was scary, it was unfamiliar, and I had no idea if it would be a success. But I did know this - my thumbs were fucking killing me.

I left my Samsung's settings alone and created my very first "T-9 Prediction ON" text.

It's been seven months now, and I'm glad I made the change. Texts take less time, and my rings fit again, which is great. The only qualm I have, really, with prediction is that, well - it's kind of a moron.

Every two texts I have to enter a word into my phone's lexicon that it doesn't know. It's starting to get annoying. Alas, that's the price you pay for convenience.

That said, here is my plea - if there are any LIOHI readers who happen to work for the T-Mobes, here's a list of words I use often that I implore you to add into the T-9 Prediction-ary.

exfoliant
facebook
Dunkin'
pissing
OMG
cankles
serio-comedy
slutty
bitches
slutty bitches
hot ass
makeup
FML
boob
fucking
frigging
shitting
pinot grigio



Thank you.

"Whose thong is this?" or "How to be an amazing ex-girlfriend without really trying" - by Nicole

There are few things in life I know I do very well, but besides mentioning the obvious things, like spelling, make-up application, and accessorizing, (not like that's all of them - come on, people, who do you think you're dealing with?) I can without hesitation say this - I am an amazing ex-girlfriend.

You'd be surprised how easy it is to be an AEG, and yet, so many ladies habitually get it wrong. Sure, break ups suck - whether you're the breaker or the breakee, it's just not a good time. Fret not, readers. LIOHI is here to help. Here's a step-by-step guide to mastering the art of getting lost.

1. Get Lost.
Do not (I repeat - DO NOT) remain Facebook, Myspace, or Twitter (gay) friends until the storm has passed. The last thing you want is to be tempted to check up on your ex - or their current relationship status. You're not going to see anything that you want to see, so lay off their page altogether. Save yourself the anxiety and delete, delete, delete. You can add them again later when you're really over it and/or dating a Swedish ski instructor (Sven, can you hear me?)

2. Leave Nothing Behind.
Ok, yes, it's miz to have to go over to his pad and pick up your Lady Gaga CD...wait. That's a bad example. No self-respecting LIOHI reader would leave The Fame at a bf's house. The point is - you will miss your CD/copy of The Secret/Pilates DVD and you DO want it back. Go get it! You do not want to have to think about him cuddled up on his futon with some slut watching YOUR season three of Family Guy! And while you're at it, return his Fleetwood Mac t-shirt. You never wanted that trash anyway.

3. Get Really Hot.
I bet you think #3 is all about revenge on your ex. It's not. This one is all about you. Go to the gym. Go for long walks. Stop eating. Whatever you need to do to KNOW that you are the hottest thing walking this apocolyptic-age earth, you do it! And if you happen to bump into him at Rite Aid while you're buying your twelfth Diet Coke of the day, so be it. While he walks away kicking himself, you will know that the rumble in your flat-as-shit stomach means one thing - victory.

4. No Trash Talking.
I know it's hard, people, but this one is key. The more you go around spewing venom to people, the greater the chances that it will get back to your ex AND you will look like a Bitter Betty (or Bobby). Let's play it classy, shall we? The truth is, your ex did you a favor. You don't want to be with anoyne who doesn't want to be with you. Move on. Talk nice. Stop eating. You know the rules. You'll feel much more fabulous post-breakup if you keep all your hostility inside. To quote one of my favorite movies - "Feeling are like treasures, so bury them"...and stop eating.

5. Get. Lost.
This rule bears repeating. I mean it. You're not doing yourself any favors by being visible to your ex. And while I'm on the topic - delete their cell info too. This includes any pics of them in your phone. Seriously, why torture yourself? You'll need that memory space anyway so that you can take pictures of your ribs poking out of your vest.

I hope this how-to guide has been helpful. To keep these secrets to myself would be doing a disservice to my fellow man, woman...that sort of thing.

So be brave, love yourself, and know that there is someone out there as hot-ass as you who is just waiting to be all up in your business.

And hey - eat something. You're looking a little too Lindsay Lohan circa right now.

Is It Just Us...?

Or does this picture look just a smidge familiar...

We wonder if they have Kiddie Spinning Classes at Promises?

Good luck, anyway, Lila.

Hot Ass of The Week: "Flax Seed Tortilla Chips" by Tregg

I know, right?  How odd to be celebrating food this close to beach season.  But these chips are fucking delicious.

I bought some yesterday along with some peach and mango salsa and I have, one day later, eaten the entirety of both packages.  I feel somewhat guilt-free because I think these chips are supposed to be pretty healthy for you.  However, I refuse to verify this fact by looking at the nutritional facts in case I just ingested 3 days worth of calories.  

It's like when I was in college and if I'd go back home for a weekend or a break, I'd bring my backpack.  But often I'd never do any of the work I should have, and I'd feel terrible remorse upon returning to college.  I found that if I left my backpack at school, I enjoyed my vacation better.  If the urge struck me to work on homework, I simply thought to myself, "Oh, I forgot my backpack, so I can't do any work."  And rather than remorse, I felt satisfied with this road block.  That was much easier to cope with, for some reason.

Moral of the story is, go buy these chips.  Enjoy.  Just don't tell me if they are good or bad for me because they are too delicious.

Ignorance is bliss when tis folly to be wise.

Sick Ass of the Week: "Yes, I'm behind you. No, we are NOT besties", by Nicole

Yes, waiting in line is crap. We all know this. You know what doesn't make it any better? Turning around to bitch that waiting in line is crap to the person behind you!

Why do people do this?? As if I haven't noticed that I've been waiting in line for a long time, they feel the need to turn around and put their toxic attitude on me.

"You'd think they'd open another register."

"This is ridiculous!"

"You know, I don't have all day. I have a bunion I need to take care of."

You name it, I've heard it. I don't know why some people get so bent out of shape when it comes to standing in a line. It's A LINE. That's kind of the point. You have to stand...in it...until it's your turn. Wasn't this covered in kindergarten?

I understand that some people don't have patience. I have zero. But get a grip, people. Grab an US Weekly, add up your purchases in your head...mentally make fun of the person in front of you, ANYTHING! But, please spare the person behind you. They're not interested. Also, they're too busy mentally making fun of your outfit.

"The Cancun Slim Down." by Tregg

Calling all readers of LIOHI:  I am mere weeks away from a family vacation to Cancun (thanks, you guys!) and I have been (half-heartedly) preparing my body for a virtual skin parade while at the pool and on the beach.

To catch you up to speed:  I have been exercising.  Granted, not a ton, but I am trying to do the most effective workouts I've done in, well, forever.  Outdoor running/jogging/hiking, indoor treadmill, weight training, and abdominal and core work are the name of the game.  On the food front, I am doing my absolute best to cut out starches after lunch, protein and veggies for dinner, and scrambled eggs (2 yolks, 3 whites) for breakfast.  I am doing pretty well, but these next few weeks are key.

I leave on March 12th for a week.  If anyone has any tips on last minute, but not too excruciating, diet/workout regimens, I'd appreciate it.  

Let's slim down, LIOHI just in time for the new summer beach season.

But don't you dare tell me to cut out alcohol.  Refer to our Bacardi and Diet post from months ago.

P.S.  Is the guy in that picture real or animated?  And is he wearing blue and black?  HATES IT.

"If you text it, I'll delete it" by Tregg

I learned a very important lesson from my People magazine.

My mom graciously signed me up for a subscription of People magazine so I can stay current on all of the most important aspects of world news:  celebrity gossip.  If I had to choose a favorite section, but please don't make me, I would say the survey on the last page where they ask celebrities a question and then post their answers in a thought bubble beside a picture of them.  Most often banal responses come out of our favorite stars' mouths, but every once in awhile there is a real gem.

Take for instance, the survey:  "What is one of your dating 'don'ts'?"  There were a few lame answers like "Bring breath mints," and "Don't order garlic," which although helpful are not exciting.

Then comes along Taylor Swift.  A girl who, at 19 years old, as already dated more famous people than I ever will in my whole life.  Her answer was perfect, and although skews more toward today's younger generations in terms of effective dating advice, the principle of her comment can apply to all.

She responded, "Never send two text messages in a row."  And in that single sentence, she unlocked the problem to every failed relationship I have ever had to this date.

Think about it, given the speed at which communication can be transmitted these days, don't you get a little anxious when an instant message, email, text message, MySpace message, Facebook chat message, phone call, etc, isn't returned promptly?  We all know that the 20 somethings of the world are glued to these forms of technology to some degree of addiction.  But I won't stumble down the well-worn path of my senior thesis in college or the plot of He's Just Not That Into You.  I will merely applaud you, Taylor Swift.

I am ever so guilty of sending a text message that I think is flirty and witty, and I get increasingly anxious that it is not returned within, oh, five minutes.  I do realize the recipient has a job, a life, friends, old episodes of American Idol on their DVR, but I feel hopelessly invalidated by silence in the dating world.  So what do I do?  I text again.  CORRECTION:  What did I used to do?  I text again.  But I don't say "Oh, did you get my last message?" or "Did your meeting run long?"  I text something else.  Something unrelated and witty, making it impossible to respond to both my last text and the new text in one message because the topics are so unrelated.  

But I am turning over a new leaf.  I will now send a text message confidently;  I'm still my flirty, witty self, but I will not allow time for the recipient to respond.  Who needs additional anxiety in their life?  Dating is hard enough.

Thanks, Taylor Swift.

What Price Clean? by Tregg.

Today as I was going to my parking garage to move my car out so my roommate could leave before me (damn tandem parking), I had to wait for the elevator to come back down to the bottom level before I could return to my apartment.  I couldn't believe that someone had called for the elevator in the minimal amount of time it took to get in my car, let my roommate out, re-park and head back over to the elevator.  Luckily, it came back down in an expedient fashion, so my frustration subsided.  As the doors opened, I noticed the cleaning supplies left in the elevator which only could mean one thing.  The cleaning crew for my building was here, which is a surprise since today is Friday.  However, I figured a clean building is a happy building, and I silently commended them for coming twice this week.

As I rode the three flights up back to my apartment to eat my breakfast that was waiting for me and had inevitably cooled to a temperature slightly below what I like to consume food, I stared into the bucket containing the cleaning supplies.  Standard, generic label products rest there, as I suspected given the fact no cleaning crew ever buys name brand.  However, one stand-out item alarmed me more than others.  There was an aerosol spray can, possibly window cleaner, that had rusted around the top where the nozzle is.  My question is:  How on earth could this can still have cleaner in it for a long enough period of time that it would accumulate rust?

I'm not sure how cleaning crews for apartment building work.  Perhaps they store supplies at each location and simply move the crew from place to place.  Or they might pack their supplies and travel as a full caravan, workers and supplies, to each property that KMK Management controls in Los Angeles.  Either way, they are at least cleaning my building once, or in today's case twice, a week using the same products.  If they take their products to other buildings, then the amount of use of each product goes up exponentially.

I ask you, devoted readers of LIOHI, when was the last time you owned anything that rusted?  If you have, I'm sure it was sooner than later discarded and replaced.  How little cleaning is my building doing?  What was in that can?  Is the thing being cleaned by that can also getting sprayed with rust particles?

I'm taking another shower today.

A LIOHI Public Service Announcement ...it's for your own good, people!

Ladies, don't get us wrong. We agree that this season's shiny black leggings are hot ass...

But, please PLEASE:

If you're gonna rock 'em on the bottom, make sure you're wearing a top that covers YOUR bottom.

Otherwise, you run the risk of your ass looking like a trash bag full of cottage cheese.

Yeah, we just quoted Paris Hilton. What of it?

We're LovesitorHatesit, and we approves this message.

"Thanks, you guys!"