Thursday, July 30, 2009

"Oh, no she DIDN'T" or "Peg Bundy called, she thinks you look sick ass" by Tregg

Now, I've taken issue with this whole campaign from the jump off.  I've politely kept my mouth shut.  But now, my journalistic injunction is being involuntarily lifted by the code of conduct I hold for myself.  After all, I was voted Best Dressed Class of 2002 at Vermilion High School.

Britney Spears, while she has been through the ringer in the past few years (don't get me started) was once Donatella Versace's muse.  She's now doing a Candie's campaign.  For Kohl's?

Oh, hell no.

Furthermore, they decided to stick her in this banded, faux leopard--which is probably made of velvet, sick ass--jacket with leater--read:  pleather--piping.   I don't know what era that is from, but it is certainly not from 2009.  

But more importantly, I find it hysterical that Britney cannot even muster a hot face for this picture.  You know there were about 500 shots in this outfit to get a good look, and we get THIS.   Bitch knows this outfit is trash, and can't fake it.

For that, I salute you, Britney Spears.  Now go wipe some fried chicken grease on this coat and get a frappucino.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

HOT ASS of the Week: "FRIENDS re-runs" or "How to Beat the Sick Ass Summer TV Landscape" by Tregg

While the summer is fun for several things-- beach visits, al fresco dining, treating weekdays as weekends like you're still in school-- one thing it lacks is loads of good, new television.  Now, I'm no hater of reality television, but a lot of the summer reality shows are like the stepchildren you receive after marrying someone late in your life.  You feel bad not loving them, but let's face it, they're a pain in the ass at this point.  Shows like Big Brother  and Top Chef: Masters  are laughable in my opinion.  Especially since reality TV also dominates the fall line-up, hello American Idol, summer reality series are literally the television equivalent of being picked last at dodge ball.

So what is an almost-mid-twenties bachelor to do?  Series record arguably one of the best sitcoms ever:  FRIENDS.

I watched this show religiously, but missed much of the final seasons while I was in college.  And once it ended I only sporadically caught it in syndication.  But recently I have found a new love for this classic show.  And besides the fact that I envy the fortune I know they were amassing while shooting this-- $1 Million an episode toward the final years--  I love it more than ever.

So this summer, set your DVR to record every FRIENDS episode it can find.  You will find yourself with plenty of good television to watch while you wait for Melrose Place to premiere on The CW.  Oh, let's do this.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

"Dear T-Mobile" or "Diary of a Mad Black Texter" by Nicole

I took a big step this year.

A heavy texter from the get-go, I'd spent years doing it the old-fashioned way. Every time I got a new phone, the first thing I would do was go to Message Settings > Language > T-9 Prediction > OFF.

When I got my new slider phone this past December, I figured it was a good time to venture into the unknown. Sure, it was scary, it was unfamiliar, and I had no idea if it would be a success. But I did know this - my thumbs were fucking killing me.

I left my Samsung's settings alone and created my very first "T-9 Prediction ON" text.

It's been seven months now, and I'm glad I made the change. Texts take less time, and my rings fit again, which is great. The only qualm I have, really, with prediction is that, well - it's kind of a moron.

Every two texts I have to enter a word into my phone's lexicon that it doesn't know. It's starting to get annoying. Alas, that's the price you pay for convenience.

That said, here is my plea - if there are any LIOHI readers who happen to work for the T-Mobes, here's a list of words I use often that I implore you to add into the T-9 Prediction-ary.

slutty bitches
hot ass
pinot grigio

Thank you.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

"Whose thong is this?" or "How to be an amazing ex-girlfriend without really trying" - by Nicole

There are few things in life I know I do very well, but besides mentioning the obvious things, like spelling, make-up application, and accessorizing, (not like that's all of them - come on, people, who do you think you're dealing with?) I can without hesitation say this - I am an amazing ex-girlfriend.

You'd be surprised how easy it is to be an AEG, and yet, so many ladies habitually get it wrong. Sure, break ups suck - whether you're the breaker or the breakee, it's just not a good time. Fret not, readers. LIOHI is here to help. Here's a step-by-step guide to mastering the art of getting lost.

1. Get Lost.
Do not (I repeat - DO NOT) remain Facebook, Myspace, or Twitter (gay) friends until the storm has passed. The last thing you want is to be tempted to check up on your ex - or their current relationship status. You're not going to see anything that you want to see, so lay off their page altogether. Save yourself the anxiety and delete, delete, delete. You can add them again later when you're really over it and/or dating a Swedish ski instructor (Sven, can you hear me?)

2. Leave Nothing Behind.
Ok, yes, it's miz to have to go over to his pad and pick up your Lady Gaga CD...wait. That's a bad example. No self-respecting LIOHI reader would leave The Fame at a bf's house. The point is - you will miss your CD/copy of The Secret/Pilates DVD and you DO want it back. Go get it! You do not want to have to think about him cuddled up on his futon with some slut watching YOUR season three of Family Guy! And while you're at it, return his Fleetwood Mac t-shirt. You never wanted that trash anyway.

3. Get Really Hot.
I bet you think #3 is all about revenge on your ex. It's not. This one is all about you. Go to the gym. Go for long walks. Stop eating. Whatever you need to do to KNOW that you are the hottest thing walking this apocolyptic-age earth, you do it! And if you happen to bump into him at Rite Aid while you're buying your twelfth Diet Coke of the day, so be it. While he walks away kicking himself, you will know that the rumble in your flat-as-shit stomach means one thing - victory.

4. No Trash Talking.
I know it's hard, people, but this one is key. The more you go around spewing venom to people, the greater the chances that it will get back to your ex AND you will look like a Bitter Betty (or Bobby). Let's play it classy, shall we? The truth is, your ex did you a favor. You don't want to be with anoyne who doesn't want to be with you. Move on. Talk nice. Stop eating. You know the rules. You'll feel much more fabulous post-breakup if you keep all your hostility inside. To quote one of my favorite movies - "Feeling are like treasures, so bury them"...and stop eating.

5. Get. Lost.
This rule bears repeating. I mean it. You're not doing yourself any favors by being visible to your ex. And while I'm on the topic - delete their cell info too. This includes any pics of them in your phone. Seriously, why torture yourself? You'll need that memory space anyway so that you can take pictures of your ribs poking out of your vest.

I hope this how-to guide has been helpful. To keep these secrets to myself would be doing a disservice to my fellow man, woman...that sort of thing.

So be brave, love yourself, and know that there is someone out there as hot-ass as you who is just waiting to be all up in your business.

And hey - eat something. You're looking a little too Lindsay Lohan circa right now.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Hates it: "Where the hell have we been - The Sequel"

We have hit our Bi-Annual lull in inspiration, people.

Trust, no one hates it more than us.

Keep hope alive - we'll be blogging soon!