LIOHI Takes the Cosmo Quiz!

"LIOHI and Dropping the Bomb" or "He Blinded Me with Science...tology"

LA Survival Guide: Part 1

"Mail Sack Vlog: Part Two" or "Vegans: More trouble than they're worth?"

"Mail Sack Vlog: Part One" or "A Spoo's Guide to Bodily Fluid Placement"

"Whose thong is this?" or "How to be an amazing ex-girlfriend without really trying" - by Nicole

There are few things in life I know I do very well, but besides mentioning the obvious things, like spelling, make-up application, and accessorizing, (not like that's all of them - come on, people, who do you think you're dealing with?) I can without hesitation say this - I am an amazing ex-girlfriend.

You'd be surprised how easy it is to be an AEG, and yet, so many ladies habitually get it wrong. Sure, break ups suck - whether you're the breaker or the breakee, it's just not a good time. Fret not, readers. LIOHI is here to help. Here's a step-by-step guide to mastering the art of getting lost.

1. Get Lost.
Do not (I repeat - DO NOT) remain Facebook, Myspace, or Twitter (gay) friends until the storm has passed. The last thing you want is to be tempted to check up on your ex - or their current relationship status. You're not going to see anything that you want to see, so lay off their page altogether. Save yourself the anxiety and delete, delete, delete. You can add them again later when you're really over it and/or dating a Swedish ski instructor (Sven, can you hear me?)

2. Leave Nothing Behind.
Ok, yes, it's miz to have to go over to his pad and pick up your Lady Gaga CD...wait. That's a bad example. No self-respecting LIOHI reader would leave The Fame at a bf's house. The point is - you will miss your CD/copy of The Secret/Pilates DVD and you DO want it back. Go get it! You do not want to have to think about him cuddled up on his futon with some slut watching YOUR season three of Family Guy! And while you're at it, return his Fleetwood Mac t-shirt. You never wanted that trash anyway.

3. Get Really Hot.
I bet you think #3 is all about revenge on your ex. It's not. This one is all about you. Go to the gym. Go for long walks. Stop eating. Whatever you need to do to KNOW that you are the hottest thing walking this apocolyptic-age earth, you do it! And if you happen to bump into him at Rite Aid while you're buying your twelfth Diet Coke of the day, so be it. While he walks away kicking himself, you will know that the rumble in your flat-as-shit stomach means one thing - victory.

4. No Trash Talking.
I know it's hard, people, but this one is key. The more you go around spewing venom to people, the greater the chances that it will get back to your ex AND you will look like a Bitter Betty (or Bobby). Let's play it classy, shall we? The truth is, your ex did you a favor. You don't want to be with anoyne who doesn't want to be with you. Move on. Talk nice. Stop eating. You know the rules. You'll feel much more fabulous post-breakup if you keep all your hostility inside. To quote one of my favorite movies - "Feeling are like treasures, so bury them"...and stop eating.

5. Get. Lost.
This rule bears repeating. I mean it. You're not doing yourself any favors by being visible to your ex. And while I'm on the topic - delete their cell info too. This includes any pics of them in your phone. Seriously, why torture yourself? You'll need that memory space anyway so that you can take pictures of your ribs poking out of your vest.

I hope this how-to guide has been helpful. To keep these secrets to myself would be doing a disservice to my fellow man, woman...that sort of thing.

So be brave, love yourself, and know that there is someone out there as hot-ass as you who is just waiting to be all up in your business.

And hey - eat something. You're looking a little too Lindsay Lohan circa right now.

"Hates'd And Confused" by Nicole

Since when is "do you smoke pot?" considered a good conversation starter? What kind of reaction do these guys think they're going to get, anyway?

"Why yes, I do! Do you have any? Oh my God, let's go out into the parking lot and spark it and then have sex!"

Here's what I really have to say: No, ok. I do not smoke pot. Nor am I attracted to pot or people who habitually smoke it. I hate it, quite frankly. Between the smell, the tiny lip-wrinkle-inducing joints and the ridiculous-looking paraphernalia, I just can't. There is nothing attractive about it.

No judgement. If this is the kind of thing you're into, that's fine. But can we please remove this question from the "getting to know you" vernacular? So NOT sexy.

"A Tale of Two Hickeys" by Tregg

Wanna take a trip down memory lane with me?

For some reason, this story always sticks in my head, and lately I felt it would make for an entertaining post.  I hope you agree.

Picture it:  Springfield, OH, November 2004.

I had recently been talking to a guy who will remain nameless.  Not to protect the innocent, but to not give this horrendous individual more attention than he deserves.  Long story short, this tale does not ultimately end well, but within the confines of the time period this story will retell, it is a pleasant experience.  

I invited this certain individual over one evening to see a play on campus with me.  We had a good time, and he ended up spending the night.  This was our first time doing anything together more than going to a bar or having dinner, so it was a fun evening.  The night was very innocent, let the record show, but as I saw him off the next day, he noticed there was a hickey on my neck.

He said,  "What's that on your neck?"  in a tone that clearly indicated he knew I didn't burn myself with a curling iron or trip and fall on a vacuum hose. 

Playfully, I replied, "Oh, I don't know..." and kind of smiled at him.  He gave me a semi-confused look back and got in his car and drove away.

A few days go by and we are talking on the phone, and I tell him that I had fun the night he stayed over.  He sounded kind of unsettled, and replied, "Honestly, I was kind of upset that morning when I left?"  I asked him why he would be upset, seeing as how I thought he had a good time.  He replied:

"Well, you had a hickey on your neck."

"Yeah, that was from you."

"....oh, it was?  I didn't realize I gave you one.   Really?  Wow, that's embarrassing, sorry"

He thought that I had someone else over and got a hickey from them in a recent enough amount of time that it wouldn't have faded by the time I invited him to stay over?  I'm not sure what the technical definition of slutty is, but I'm sure that would qualify for at least one of its meanings.  And I'll have you know, I am no slut.

I've always enjoyed thinking about that.  Imagining him driving home thinking even though our new "relationship" or sorts had just started and wasn't exclusive, that I would be promiscuous enough to have multiple people to choose from that could give me hickeys.  Who even gives hickeys these days anyway?

Later on in the week, I was changing after dance class and our male instructor whom I always assumed loved it walked past me and said:

"I see that thing on your neck, you bad boy."

"I, uhm....it's razor burn...?"

"Because your kiss is on my list - and it's also the SICK ASS of the Week." By Nicole

Picture, if you will, this scenario:

A lovely spring evening in 2003. You and Dude* (* = name has been changed to protect the hates its) end a great date by rolling around in his double bed. The fun of the evening is only made better by the fact that Dude happens to be a great kisser. Thank God. The next day you wake up with swollen lips and a swollen sense of accomplishment.

Fast forward a few years...you and Dude stage a catch-up at a local bar. You end the date by (sort of) rolling around in his car. The fun of the evening is...wait. Hang on a damn minute. What the hell is he doing? Why is my chin wet? Could it be??? Dude has become -

A BAD KISSER!!!!!!!!!

Has this shit ever happened to you?? I don't understand it but I've seen it at least three whole times. Time does not matter. I've seen the shift occur over a span of two months and up to two years. It's like these guys take some How-to-Become-a-Horrible-Kisser Master Class while we're away. Is there a tutorial? Does Sally Struthers hock the courses in commercials between back episodes of This Old House?

What the eff is going on?!?

I don't know, but I personally HATES IT. If you're gonna be a good kisser you'd better keep that shit up. You can't just all of a sudden decide to let your tongue flap around all wills-nills. Seriously. That would be like Carrie Bradshaw opting to echew the Manolos and start shopping at Fayva.

Sick ASS.

HOT NERD BOMB EXPLODES IN NYC: LIOHI's Nicole joins cleanup crew

The Hot Nerd Bomb. (n): the unexplained phenomenon involving a surplus of hot guys in glasses in a contained space. All of whom you would totally bone.

Ex: "Did you see that tall guy with the arms in the ray bans? It's like a hot nerd bomb went off in here."

I can't explain it. But I like it. I spent a day in NYC yesterday and, in between auditioning for grad school and guarding my purse, I could not believe how many hot nerds were just walking around like they owned the joint.

They were EVERYWHERE. Tall ones. Taller ones. ....Even TALLER ones!

Just in case you havent had the pleasj of seeing one of your own, the criteria to officially qualify as a hot nerd is as follows:
Slim to slightly muscular build.
Mussed hair
V-or Crew Neck Sweater
Glasses
Man bag

Should you come upon one in the aftermath of The HNB (Hot Nerd Bomb) of '09, do not let him get away! They are elusive, quick moving little creatures and GOD FORBID there's an Apple Store within 100 feet...

Me likey.

Sick Ass of the Week: "OnLine Dating is Effing Hilarious" by Nicole

I thought this was as good a time as any to post some of the funnier (ie - more ridiculous) emails I've received in the last week.

Here we go.


Just checking out your profile and before I go on check out mine maybe we can chat some more, lata
Nick

Nick. Wow. I like that name. You know what else I like? PUNCTUATION. Next.

ahhh haha funny profile i like it anyways move ober i am sure ui can fit in that taxi too damn it...lol my name is rich liked your profile and your pics love to chat sometime...thanx rich

Oh, Richie Rich. I don't even know where to begin with this. Ober? Ui? You're drunk aren't you? Next.


Happy Saturday!!
Damn its cold out. Well I really have no idea where to start but lets see, I work as a police officer and absolutely love it. I've worked hard all my life, on my own since I was 17, and definitely appreciate where I am today.I've never been married, no kids, don't smoke, and live alone. I do have the best group of friends and ultimately want my partner to be as well.Communication and trust are important to me. The poster/quote on my way says it best:"Honesty: Better to fail with honor, than succeed by fraud" :-)I consider myself affectionate and I want a partner that is as well. Ultimately I'm looking for my best friend.Fitness is important to me. I don't judge anyone else, but I'd like a partner who can relate to the dedication it takes to be fit. I go to the gym 5-days a week, and run regularly, eat a good diet :-)I'm not into games, or drama. I'm just a simple easy going guy looking for the same :-). I'm always happy, appreciate the little things, and see the best in everyone.I guess anything else you wanna know, just ask! I'm an open book.Have a GREAT day!
xoxoKen

Did you guys fall asleep half way through that? Yeah. me too. Next.

Hey :)
How are you?
Are you romantic?
You are a direct and sincere person?
What are your favorite books?
I used to be a Criminal lawyer in Brazil...now I am finishing a second degree at BU
Wes

This one should've just read: "Hi. Name Wes. Don't do English so good. Wes"


Uh - my sides hurt. This site delivered like Dominoes. More horror/hilarious stories to follow, I'm sure.

Sick Ass of the Week: "If you Loves'd it, then you should've put a ring on it" or "To the LEFT, bitch and PS - I HATES it!" by Nicole

Dear Beyonce,

Stop using my life for inspiraysh.

Hates it,
Nicole

OK, that's what that letter would look like. All kidding aside - Thanks, Beyonce, for providing fed-up women everywhere with ample material for the inevitable "I fucking hate everyone but mostly I hate men and specifically my ex-boyfriend" mix for our I-FuckingHateEveryonePod.

What's your fave break-up anthem?

Oh, that's right, bitches. It's officially a poll.

Sick Ass of the Week: "The Relationship Power Cycle", by Nicole

Ok, those of you who have T-Mobile don't need me to explain that annoying occurance once every few weeks or so when your cell's behavior becomes erratic, unreliable, and altogether sick-ass.Calls are dropped, no signal can be found, and the pursuit of communication is futile.

When this happens in your mobile world, you may set aside two hours (that you'll never recover, btw) to call Michelle at Customer Care, only to be told that your phone needs what is referred to as a "Power Cycle".

In other words, turn that shit off for now and forget is exists.

Power up after a hot minute or so, and everything will be just fine. You will no longer feel stranded, and your voice will, once again, be heard.

Conveniently enough (for blog's sake), we can sometimes find ourselves in the midst of a relationship "Power Cycle." When all seems lost, when you feel like nothing you say is getting through, and the pursuit of communication seems futile, should we all take a nod from those demons at Customer Care (I hate you, Michelle - if that's your real name) and put that shit aside and just not worry about it?

Can a relationship with a weak signal - perhaps you're roaming, have used up all your minutes, or maybe just carelessly dropped it too often - be as easy to remedy as a tempermental Nokia?

Who knows. All we can do is enjoy a moment's peace and bask in the vain hope that when we turn it back on, everything will be just fine.

Some call this denial. Some call it optimism. I'll call it whatever you want, as long as I don't have to talk to that bitch Michelle.

Sick Ass of the Week: "Take That to the Dartboard" by Nicole (or Tregg)

Listen dudes, I know you probably think it's a good idea to walk up to a cute girl after last call, because you're probably hoping that she's drunk and willing to go home with you to blow you in your mom's basement...but here's a tip:

Don't do it to me.

No, really. I'm on to you.

Here's a little tidbit from an exchange I had last Friday with one of said dudes to scare you away:

Hopeful Douchebag wearing striped sweater: "Hey ladies."

Me: "What's up, Stripes?"

Hopeful Douchebag wearing striped sweater: "Stripes? Why you gotta call me Stripes?"

Me: "I don't know what the fuck your name is."

::AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND, SCENE::

Ok, yes, I was mildly inebriated.

But the point is this: I know what you're after. I'm not into it.

Maybe next time you'll come up to me as soon as I walk in the door, tell me I'm pretty and you like my leggings, insist on buying me cran-vodkas all night, and then politely hint that you'd like me to blow you in your mom's basement.

You know, like a gentleman.

Hates It: People Who Think Josh Hartnett is Attractive

Look at the clown on the left in this picture.

Then look at the Barbadian goddess on the right.

No, she's not being photographed volunteering at a soup kitchen.

No, this isn't a promo shot for the new TLC series "Hey You, You're Ugly. Come here and let Rihanna give you a Makeover."

They slept together.

Wait. Is Rihanna a virgin? ...Whatever. He at least fingered her.

You get the picture.

We just don't get it. Josh Hartnett is NOT hot! Between the patchy "you-should-shave-every-five-seconds" facial hair, and the dirty Ethan Hawke teeth...we just can't.

That's all.