Sunday, January 24, 2010

"Loves It or Haitis It" or "People Who I Wish Were at The Telethon" by Tregg

I'll confess one thing to you all right now: I did not watch the Haiti Telethon. I'm sorry. At one point while I was at working, I turned it on several stations I knew were carrying it, and I didn't see it. By the time I got home, I had forgotten. That's what happens when I blast my "Shut It Down" playlist on the way home. My mind wanders off, and I lose focus.

But I did watch some of the amazing performances on YouTube and was very touched by everyone's involvement in such a great cause.

That being said, I owe it to myself and this blog to point out a few things that did this poor country no justice during this tragedy.

Beyonce's performance of Halo was a sight to be seen. First of all, she had a wig on that reminded me of that female muppet who I think was a hippie and had no eyes, just hair covering half of her face. What was her name? Secondly, she subbed in "Haiti" over the word "baby" in the lyric, "Haiti, I can see you halo, don't you know you're my saving grace?" That seems a little easy, but thankfully this didn't happen to another country, for Beyonce's sake at least. "Dominican Republic, I can see you halo." would've been a little clumsy melodically. And last, but not least, she didn't bother to rewrite the opening lyrics. "Remember these walls I built, well baby they're tumbling down." Yikes.

However, the song is very beautiful, and she did sing it very well. And a little more promotion for her I Am... Sasha Fierce album can't hurt, right?

Hearing Beyonce's personalized performance got me and my friends wondering how other musicians could tailor their songs to fit the cause, in the most tacky and inappropriate ways possible. [Warning, this will come across as insensitive, but I mean it only for a good chuckle. Frankly, I'll spare you all some of the more awful renditions we've concocted.]

"All my single Haitis / All my single Haitis / Now put your hands up"

Britney Spears
"It's Haiti, bitch"

Jay Sean
"Haiti, are you down down down down down?"

I'll stop now, but if this isn't received with hate mail and de-friending on Facebook, maybe I'll include more.

And yes, I'm donating money ASAP.

*Thanks, Nicole, for the amazing idea for the title of this blog

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Loves it: Ke$ha - Animal

Never has being drunk and slutty been so damned hilarious.

Ke$ha (the $ replaces the S, as the singer was once told "you don't NEED money, you ARE money) rings in 2010 with a smash debut album that almost makes us want to like the taste of Jack Daniels more.

TIK TOK, her oft-played and much loved first single is in good company with such bouncy tracks as YOUR LOVE IS MY DRUG and KISS AND TELL. The record practically begs us to find the nearest party, get a little tipsy, throw up in the closet, and leave our coat behind. Some of us may have already done all of that, but that's neither here nor there. Ke$ha, we loves it.

Only one of the songs can really count as a ballad (the reflective HUNGOVER - which chronicles the heartbreak of a drunk and slutty chick the morning after) and the rest is a glitter-slinging, drunk-texting good time.

Even if you have to pay retail for this CD, I say go for it. Mine was a cheapo $8.99 at Newbury Comics (thanks, you guys!), but with not one lemon in the bunch, it's a good investment all around.

If you're not quite ready to make the commitment - LIOHI highly recommends that you download STEPHEN and BOOTS AND BOYS.

Your welcome.

Now where the hell is my coat?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

"Wow, that Navid's girlfriend is such a skank" or "WHAT THE HELL AM I WATCHING??" by Nicole

I think I might like bad TV.

I'm seeing the alternatives flash before me on the cable guide.

Bones. The Biggest Loser. The Office. Ace of Cakes.

As I sit there, scraping the inside of a greek yogurt container (maybe with my finger - whatever) I marvel at all the options that lie before me. Some nominated for Emmys and Golden Globes. Some, even winners.

Who is my winner? Friggin' 90210 The New Class. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not even invested in these characters - I've missed like 30 episodes! I don't even like their names! Silver? Who's named Silver? (Yes I know, it's her last name. Don't interrupt.)

The story is ludicrous and the acting is - ooooooooh - I wonder where she got that top...

And there it is. The clothes. I watch these stupid goddamn shows because the clothes are cute. I am officially shallow.

But hey, at least I'm self aware.

Gucci, Chanel, Louboutin, that's how they get us! That's how 90210 and Melrose Place and The City and those damn Kardashians trick us into watching their stupid shows. I know it! They're manipulators, all of them!

But not Gossip Girl. That show is brilliant.

Hot Ass of the Week - Maybelline Line Stiletto: by Nicole

It's a proven fact that women (and trannies) tend to indulge in beauty products more when financial times suck the bag.

Never one to ignore a bonafide statistic (I also eat in front of the television and lose weight after a break-up), I brought my remaining eight dollars into my local Walgreens to continue my search for the perfect black liquid eyeliner.

Up 'til now, the search has been fruitless. Not that I haven't tried!

Almay - Too watery.
Physicians Formula - Dries out.
Yves Saint Laurent - I'd rather have the cash.

Due to a recent praise-fest in Lucky (choruses of angels heard in the background), I decided to give Maybelline's queerly-named Line Stiletto a try.

First impression - I like the packaging. Small enough to bring into the bathroom without the rest of the bar thinking you're going in to change your tampon. The price was pretty deec - only seven bucks and change. Pennies compared to that Physicians Formula trash that I'm now using to de-scuff my black leather shoes.

The moment of truth - THE APPLICATION. Smooth. Bump-free. And the COLOR! This stuff goes on blacker than Tyra Banks during a commercial break.

OOOH, child, I am in LOVE!

Somehow it appears shiny on your lid. Not "The Situation" shiny, but good shiny, you know? Like a black patent Loub. MMMMM....Loubs......

Anyhoo. Definitely worth the money and definitely worthy of HAOTW.

Enjoy, trannies!