Monday, March 8, 2010

"Oscar Fashion - Loves it Or Hates It" or "How to look like a radish rosette without really trying" by Nicole

You know it's a disappointing night on the red carpet when your fave dress is worn by one of the male nominees' wives. That said, this frosting-colored grecian number can TALK TA ME! Perfectly executed, by the way, as well. Minimal jewlelry and a sparkling clutch. Well done, host of Shear Genius, well done.

Oh wait, that's Matthew McConaughey's wife. Oh well. Still lovesin' the crap out of this dress.


Thank you, Vera Farmiga, for inspiring the title of this blog. That said, what the Farmiga were you thinking? The color is gorge, but the oddly-situated ruffles are reminiscent of a garnish we once saw on our plate of fish tacos at The Cheesecake Factory. It also reminds us of that fluffy gray creation Chloe Sevigny wore to the Globes. PS - we hated THAT dress, too.

Dear Faith Hill - we understand that "a Mississippi girl don't change her ways"...but we kinda wish she would. You look like a Saloon girl from an old Western town. The one standing around, fanning herself, while all the hot Saloon girls get the business in the back room.

Jennifer Lopez and Demi Moore - I'm so glad these two were photographed together. It saved me room in my "Oscars - Hates It" file for more pictures. J-Lo, please add "dresses made of lilac bubble wrap" to your list of things NEVER to do again. Right next to "Sing live on SNL" and "marry a waiter".

Demi - I'm trying to explain, in a non-vulgar way, that this dress looks like it was sewn from the extra skin lying around the office of Dr. 90210. I don't think it worked. Sick ass. Love the chunky, matchy-matchy shoes, though. That David's Bridal sure can dye the shit out of a satin platform.

Kate Winslet - you know those separates that just work together so well, you'd SWEAR it was an elegant evening gown??? Yeah, we don't either.

Sarah Jessica Parker - this dress was a bigger disappointment that Season 5 of SATC. I really liked it sitting down...from far away...not in HD. That said, you are still a fashion goddess in my eyes, and I am going to pretend that you had something WAY better picked out, but then James Wilkie drew on it with Sharpie and the twins threw up on the train. You had no choice. (...Please tell us you had no choice)

Zoe Saldana - this dress is beautiful. Kind of like how childbirth is beautiful. Oh, the humanity! I kind of want to hang her from a tree and whack her with a stick until Smarties fall out. Abrupt dip dye...and is that a SLIT?!? I need to sit down.


Nicole Richie - There are very few 80 lb. four-foot waifs who could pull off this much of a dress, and most of them are gay men. Bravo, Ms. Richie for having the panache of a drag queen necessary to make this dress a winner. It's very "Bianca Jagger walk of shame" a good way!

Diane Cruger - Homegirl Loves herself some Chanel. Not that I can blame her. This dress definitely had its share of haters, but I'm rushing to its defense. LOVE the black details popping against the french vanilla crepe paper folds of the bodice and hem. And the center section, with the crimped-ruffle detail...well, let's just say it's a good thing this bitch doesn't eat solids. Another stunner from that bitchy gay, Karl Lagerfeld, that makes us want to have wine for dinner.

Shut your mouth, Molly Ringwald! I love this dress! Granted, I'd like to bust out my seam ripper and remove that art-noveau bit at the waist, and replace that cuff with a yellow-diamond bangle...but a hot dress nonetheless. It almost makes me forget about the droopy Laura Ashley florals from days of yore. ...Almost.

All in all, WAY more hates it than loves it. But hey, I got a blog out of it.

C'est la vie.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I hates that you hates JSP's hot-ass canary yellow goddess dress that, though it didn't synch and sick in and push out and booty-tooch, it had that glorious neckline with that amazing train that wasn't all open. On top of which, her hair and makeup were choke-me-up amazing!! I was much more concerned with Charlize Theron's Helen-of-Troy crap-gown which, were those bust-plates or unopened rose buds attached to her boobs? Was she blind when she tried this on, loved it and then PUT it on under the guise of her own free will on the day of??? This is the lady that I prefer to think spilled something on her gorgeous, elegant, flawless gown that, at this moment, is at the drycleaner with some Armenain lady sweating her ass off, trying to get the blood or non-toxic crayola marker out of. On top of that, I'm further concerned and offended by some of the winners: need I mention the wardrobe lady who weighed about 3 1/2 pounds who offended entire costume companies by mentioning that this was her 3rd win and she won't make any more money on projects then with the 2 she already has? I'm wondering why, if she's so amazing, she chose this smock of shame that she wore...? Or the lady, I can't quite remember what she won for, and I wish I could've forgotten her dress, but she won with 2 other men and she was 50, wore a floor-length black dress, and was basically slit up to her boob. I'm just saying- some things are inappropriate, and some things make we wanna vomit!! Or should we mention Ally Sheedy, who gave that heart-warming speech but wore that gutt-wrenching dress with that severe makeup and hair that basically looks like the rolled in the hay with all the nominees beforehand. Finally, I agree with your bubble-wrap theory of JLo, who offended me with her "I'm walking and popping on the block" get-up, but was disappointed with your Miss Formiga insults, cuz I thought her dress was breathtaking, even though she had to walk very carefully as to not completely rip off the dress and then be standing there, buck-naked... But maybe she could get a body double for that, like she had in Up in the Air... I'm just saying... So my overall thought process was, extreme disappointments on the redcarpet as well, with a few highlights, like Penelope Cruz, who I can't stand, but that red burgundy rouched silk was to die!! And Sigourney Weaver, who has the squarest chin next to Kathy Ireland, who I thought was random to have been there on the red carpet beforehand, but whatever- she's got 4 kids- so do your worst!! But no matter what, at least the fashion was more interesting then the awards themselves which I was looking for a butter knife through; I was thinking about picking up cutting as a hobby so I could focus on that pain instead!! And those are my thoughts, from where I sit!!