"Loves It or Haitis It" or "People Who I Wish Were at The Telethon" by Tregg

I'll confess one thing to you all right now: I did not watch the Haiti Telethon. I'm sorry. At one point while I was at working, I turned it on several stations I knew were carrying it, and I didn't see it. By the time I got home, I had forgotten. That's what happens when I blast my "Shut It Down" playlist on the way home. My mind wanders off, and I lose focus.

But I did watch some of the amazing performances on YouTube and was very touched by everyone's involvement in such a great cause.

That being said, I owe it to myself and this blog to point out a few things that did this poor country no justice during this tragedy.

Beyonce's performance of Halo was a sight to be seen. First of all, she had a wig on that reminded me of that female muppet who I think was a hippie and had no eyes, just hair covering half of her face. What was her name? Secondly, she subbed in "Haiti" over the word "baby" in the lyric, "Haiti, I can see you halo, don't you know you're my saving grace?" That seems a little easy, but thankfully this didn't happen to another country, for Beyonce's sake at least. "Dominican Republic, I can see you halo." would've been a little clumsy melodically. And last, but not least, she didn't bother to rewrite the opening lyrics. "Remember these walls I built, well baby they're tumbling down." Yikes.

However, the song is very beautiful, and she did sing it very well. And a little more promotion for her I Am... Sasha Fierce album can't hurt, right?

Hearing Beyonce's personalized performance got me and my friends wondering how other musicians could tailor their songs to fit the cause, in the most tacky and inappropriate ways possible. [Warning, this will come across as insensitive, but I mean it only for a good chuckle. Frankly, I'll spare you all some of the more awful renditions we've concocted.]

Beyonce

"All my single Haitis / All my single Haitis / Now put your hands up"

Britney Spears

"It's Haiti, bitch"

Jay Sean

"Haiti, are you down down down down down?"

I'll stop now, but if this isn't received with hate mail and de-friending on Facebook, maybe I'll include more.

And yes, I'm donating money ASAP.

*Thanks, Nicole, for the amazing idea for the title of this blog

This Song is Trash: "Soulmate" by Natasha Bedingfield

Kudos to Ms. Bedingfield for working the word "transitory" into a song.

Other than that, we're not impressed. Perhaps the suits at her record label decided to launch this trash as her next single because she recently tied the knot. That's the only explanation there could possibly be for subjecting the public to this crap.

Valiant effort, Natash - but, please, stick to your uptempo jams. After all - Speidi may be doing a spin-off and they're gonna need a theme song.

May we suggest "Pocketful of Hates it"?

That's brilliant. Someone get our agent on the phone.

What? We don't have an agent? ...Hates it.

"I'd like to phone a friend." or "On the fence about another Black Eyed Peas song" by Tregg

Why does this always happen to me?  It's been years and years, and yet, when confronted with this situation, my reaction is always the same.  Confusion.  Indifference.  Negativity.  Resistance.  

But every time the final conclusion is inevitable.  I fuckin' loves it.

Such is the case with the latest offering from the Black Eyed Peas.  Boom Boom Pow.  I am still in the middle of my see-saw of emotions toward this song, and I am having an incredible case of deja vu akin to the days of "My Humps" back in 2005.  I hated that song.  The video was trash, and I had the sinking suspicion that "lovely lady lumps" would become part of pop culture vernacular.  The idea of this song becoming a mainstay at parties and on my iPod was too much.

But eventually it wore me down.  I found myself paying for the electronic jukebox at McMurray's at Wittenberg to play the song NOW.  I would pay the extra 50 cents to trump the next bad rap song some townie would play.  Play "My Humps" NOW!

How could the Black Eyed Peas do this to me?  I'm never usually a fan of kitschy music.  Gimmicky songs never do it for me.  I have loathed everything Sean Kingston has subjected me to.  But the Peas, man, will get me every time.

So I write this blog to help sort out my feelings, but I'm coming to realize while I may not be there yet, I will be soon.  I am going to love "Boom Boom Pow."  It's only a matter of time.

Sick Ass of the Week: "All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Hates It" by Nicole

Question. Why did I have to suffer all of 2008 listening to that vile "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne...yet THIS song is too inappropriate for the airwaves?

"For the children?" Give me a break. I'm an almost mid-twenties woman, and until Tregg explained it to me, I had NO idea what this song was about. I highly doubt my eight year old niece is going to catch on.

Please, FCC. Don't deprive me of my Britney. Play that shit. I think it's the least you can do to make up for all the trash Ne-Yo has been putting out lately.

Sick ass.

That Song is Trash: "I Decided - Solange"

On a recent trip to local eatery "Hamburger Mary's" our ear drums had the misfortune of exposure to this abhorrent little gem by Beyonce's little sister.

We're not sure what is worse:  The fact that we thought this song was 20 years old (it's throwback sound is less "Ain't No Other Man" by Christina and more "It's Raining Men" by Geri Halliwell.) or the fact that the video looks like it was made with construction paper by 4th graders.

Having heard this song on our iTunes radio at work, we were shocked to learn it was actually Solange.  Just another classic example that younger siblings, although usually passing through the gateway to commercial marketability much easier due to their famous older relatives, often do not deserve the shot that they get.

Well, we take that back for one exception.  After all, then we wouldn't have Ashlee Simpson.....-Wentz.

Time to Retire/This Song is Trash: "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat (by Nicole)

Seriously? If I hear this song one more time in the car, I'm going to have to drive into a tree and just end it.

I can't. The saccharin-sweet lyrics, the sophomoric rhymes...someone kill me.

Why was this even a hit?? It's not even a good song! And as far as annoying melodies to get stuck in your head go, it ranks right up there with "It's a Small World"! I mean, COME ON!

It starts at my toes

Makes me crinkle my nose...

Choke me with a hose

Cause this song effing blows.

Honestly, between this shit-show of a song and "Unwell" by Matchbox 20, I'm ready to lose my mind.

"Everybody let go, we can make the dance floor just like a Hates It." by Nicole

Britney, we know you're on tour and this is just a costume - but we hates it. You look like one of those old Owl Salt N Pepper shakers from the 50s.

Snap, Snap to That Shit on the Radio

Fuck me dead.

This song is Trash: "Angels on the Moon- Thriving Ivory""

We hate that we've even heard of this song, but our damn eclectic iTunes radio has minimal discretion for what it plays.

First of all, we can't tell whether this is a man or a woman singing.  It is very much akin to the first time we heard "MMMBop" by Hanson and "Give Me One Reason" by Tracy Chapman.

All these artists have gender ambiguous names, and it confuses us. 

Furthermore, "Angels on the Moon" sounds like the singer, whomever he or she is, has been strangled while smoking cigarettes for 20 years and then asked to sing.

Further proof that we should record our album where we replace several words in a song with "Hates it."  That shit would be brillz.

Sick Ass of the Week: "If you Loves'd it, then you should've put a ring on it" or "To the LEFT, bitch and PS - I HATES it!" by Nicole

Dear Beyonce,

Stop using my life for inspiraysh.

Hates it,
Nicole

OK, that's what that letter would look like. All kidding aside - Thanks, Beyonce, for providing fed-up women everywhere with ample material for the inevitable "I fucking hate everyone but mostly I hate men and specifically my ex-boyfriend" mix for our I-FuckingHateEveryonePod.

What's your fave break-up anthem?

Oh, that's right, bitches. It's officially a poll.

Why Nicole Scherzinger should never go solo

We just watched a clip of The Pussycat Dolls performing "I Hate This Part" on Ellen's talk show, and damn has Nicole Scherzinger's voice improved exponentially from that train wreck of a solo song "Baby Love."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ziyAkHTA44

Check out that video clip, and tell us you don't agree that she is much better off with the Dolls than without.  Granted, we have no idea why being in a group gives her access to better songs and makes her voice sound amazing.  But thankfully we will no longer be jamming to Puakenikeni ever again.  

Thanks for listening, back to watching Weeds season 2.  

Slightly embarrassed

Is it ok that we're kind of loving the new Jennifer Hudson song, "Spotlight" ?

Ugh, R&B music can usually ride us, but it comes on iTunes radio at work 5 times a day.  

Someone please validate this for us.  Loves it or hates it?

"Christina Aguilera is not Lady Gaga" - by Tregg

I can't believe I'm actually interested in this enough to write about it, but I can only read PerezHilton.com for so long without commenting on this subject.

I'm sure by the end of this blog, I will have made Perez seem as definitive as a real news source.  In actuality, I feel a lot of people share his point of view, but at the end of the day I may represent  the status quo more so than he.  We'll see.  Ladies and gentleman, I present to you:  Loves It Or Hates It:  Christina v. Lady Gaga.

For those who aren't familiar with the debate, let me break it down.  Christina Aguilera has come out with this "future" theme (see "This Video is Trash:  Keeps Gettin' Better") which is very similar to Lady Gaga's current album "The Fame."

Perez is assembling an argument saying that Lady Gaga is the innovator and Christina Aguilera is the copy-cat.  Again, I will preface by saying I don't really care, and I do like both of them.  However, I find it funny how he holds Lady Gaga in such high esteem considering her infancy in the music industry.  I'd be willing to bet Christina was conceptualizing this new look and new sound around the same time as Lady Gaga or perhaps before.

It's like when a new product comes out on the market, and in a month you get a different manufacturer making virtually the same thing.  Capitalism at its finest.  It may seem like the latter company ripped off the former, but most likely the product was being developed long before.

This is where I take my stand for Christina.  She's been in the music industry for almost 10 years.  (Don't even get me started on her saying months ago it's already been ten years.  I remember hearing "Genie in a Bottle" along with "Sometimes" by Britney Spears on the radio.  "Genie" was Christina's first song, "Sometimes" was Britney's second.  Britney is celebrating her 10 years right now.  But I digress.)  

I find it funny that Perez, and I'm assuming many other people, are dissing Christina.  I'm not hating on Lady Gaga, but let's be real, she's been on the scene for all of a hot minute, and yes the similarities are obvious, I don't want to call Christina a copy-cat based on some pictures and songs that Lady Gaga released slightly ahead of Christina.

Christina is much more industry savvy and since her last album was retro-themed, this futuristic music and styling seems a natural next step.  

I can feel myself going into a slippery slope of redundancy right about now, so I will cut myself off.  Besides, I'm still jamming to "Poker Face."

Time to Retire: Justin Timberlake

We own his albums.  We went to his concerts.  But someone's head is getting a little too big to fit in the room, so we're over it.

Justin Timberlake has been pissing us off for a little while, but now we're ready to throw in the towel for good.  Remember when he was on that dreadful show Punk'd?  He got so pissed that someone stole his hideous Escalade truck, and it was a total joke.

Recently, he perpetuated his douche status by retiring SexyBack at a recent charity concert.  The song came out 2 years ago.  Justin, we're sorry that SexyBack was a really popular song.  We're sorry that Prince told you "I've brought sexy back in 1984, and it hasn't left since."  We're sorry that all your fans request you play that song a lot.  Wouldn't Macy Gray like to be so lucky to have a SexyBack all her own?  Take the attention, and love it.  I would kil for a #1 single.  You don't hear Bill Ray Cyrus retiring Achy Breaky Heart, do you?

And one last point, Justin also recently announced on MTV.com that he is taking a break from his solo career and wants to focus solely on producing for fellow musicians.  How gracious!  Hopefully he won't make them retire their biggest single 2 years after it came out because it annoys him.  

Get out of our dreams and our car, JT.

HOT ASS of the week: "Britney Spears' body" by Tregg

First, can I say that after the whole "truck stop bathroom with no shoes" incident a few years ago, I am so thrilled to be able to blog about this.

Britney Spears is fucking hot as hell.  I'm currently trying to figure out how to have 2 children that I don't really want so I can eventually get into as good of shape as she's in.

What?

I've got to hand it to Britney.  Not only are the song and video amazing and a true return to form, but she is looking amazing while doing it.

Also, here's a kudo for Womanizer leaping up from #96 to #1 on the Billboard chart, breaking the record set by T.I. the week before.  It's her second #1 single since ...Baby One More Time a decade ago.

Bring on the world tour.

What's the cool jams? Pussycat Dolls - Doll Domination album

We know, we know.  We can't believe we're saying it either.  But we are totally loving most of the new Pussycat Dolls album.

Oh, don't worry.  There are some stinkers.  Like their new song with Snoop Dogg.  But we are definitely jamming on "Magic" and the recently shipped to radio "I Hate This Part."

Obvi, "When I Grow Up" was a jam but that ship has definitely sailed much like Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl."  We get it.

Thank god Nicole Scherzinger can't launch a solo career to save her life, and here's hoping she won't try that hot mess again.

Who remembers "Baby Love" ?  Stick to the Dolls, Nicole.

It's Britney, bitch

The day has arrived.

We patiently, well maybe not so patiently, waited for the release of Britney Spears' new single "Womanizer" on Monday, only to learn that it was pushed back for at least a week.

::Sigh::

Well, we have faithfully been checking MTV.com every day hoping for some news, and today it was announced that New York Radio Station Z100 premiered the song today.

Let's do this!

Go to Britney.com for the exclusive launch of the new single.

We can't wait to be tearing it up tonight at Popstarz to this song.

This Song is Trash: "Stay With Me - Ironik"

We're not totally sure that this is the artist we're talking about, but it's the first thing Google Image pulled up.

Have you guys heard this song?  It starts off with a digitized baby-esque voice, saying "Brothers and sisters...it will guide you through..." yadda yadda.  We don't even have the respect for this song to look up the lyrics.  

We retired the baby voice after we retired "Try Again" by Aaliyah.  R.I.P.

We're not sure why artists who are better suited for hip-hop and rap try to do inspirational songs and even less sure why they use hideous guest singers to do the chorus.

Please, do yourself a favor and don't listen to this song.  Unfortunately, it plays on our iTunes radio at work.  We are fervently writing a letter to 1.FM as we speak.

The Reinvention of Christina Aguilera

For the recs, we like Christina Aguilera.  But we are beginning to think she thinks she's Madonna.  Her Stripped album was great.  As far as we know, it didn't really have a "theme."  

Back to Basics was also pretty good, but it decidedly did have a theme.  Now Christina's new theme is "The Future."  Besides that being the lamest theme ever, and painfully obvious since her last album was retro, we don't get it.  Why the need to reinvent yourself?  

You are not Madonna.  Just make music.  It's not a college frat party.  It doesn't need a theme.

Onto her performance at the VMAs.  We're sad to say that we like the song.  The Genie in a Bottle futuristic remix was a little odd, but Keeps Getting Better is a decent jam.  However, even though she did just have a baby, Christina needs to Agui-let go of the Poptarts.  She was def busting out of that cat suit.  We remember that catsuit:

FUCKING TALK TO US

Britney's Back!

We'll see you at the VMA's, bitches!!