"Two Girls, One Face" or "Someone's Publicist Needs Fired For Approving These Photos" by Tregg

On your left, a promotional photo of a certain pop star on the inside booklet of her latest CD.

On your right, a still frame of a teen dramedy star in a commercial for Tuesday night's episode.

Britney, meet Jessica Lowndes. And vice versa.

Seriously people, my headshots from when I tried to do modeling at 16 years old were better. And I was wearing a lot of makeup for those pictures because I hadn't started taking Accutane yet.

"Dear T-Mobile" or "Diary of a Mad Black Texter" by Nicole

I took a big step this year.

A heavy texter from the get-go, I'd spent years doing it the old-fashioned way. Every time I got a new phone, the first thing I would do was go to Message Settings > Language > T-9 Prediction > OFF.

When I got my new slider phone this past December, I figured it was a good time to venture into the unknown. Sure, it was scary, it was unfamiliar, and I had no idea if it would be a success. But I did know this - my thumbs were fucking killing me.

I left my Samsung's settings alone and created my very first "T-9 Prediction ON" text.

It's been seven months now, and I'm glad I made the change. Texts take less time, and my rings fit again, which is great. The only qualm I have, really, with prediction is that, well - it's kind of a moron.

Every two texts I have to enter a word into my phone's lexicon that it doesn't know. It's starting to get annoying. Alas, that's the price you pay for convenience.

That said, here is my plea - if there are any LIOHI readers who happen to work for the T-Mobes, here's a list of words I use often that I implore you to add into the T-9 Prediction-ary.

exfoliant
facebook
Dunkin'
pissing
OMG
cankles
serio-comedy
slutty
bitches
slutty bitches
hot ass
makeup
FML
boob
fucking
frigging
shitting
pinot grigio



Thank you.

Sick Ass of the Week: "The O.C" by Nicole

As in: Oh, SEE how ugly this dress is?

This reminds me of my mom's old Chadwick's Catalogs. There was always that one dress: Long sleeves, four panel skirt, twelve colors, twenty sizes, zero style.

I wonder is Misch opted for the 5 day freight or overnight shipping...

This Line is Trash: "(House of) Dereon" by Nicole

**Sigh** As if the clearance racks at Marshall's weren't crowded enough...Beyonce and her Beyond-Sane mother, Tina Knowles, just keep churning out their sick-ass designs like there's no tomorrow.

The tagline they've chosen for HOD (Hates of Dereon) is "From the Catwalk to the Sidewalk". I guess "From the Catwalk to the Sidewalk...to Ross Dress for Less to The Back of Your Closet to Goodwill to the Ass of a Homeless Crack Whore" was too long.

And, just in case you were worried your daughter would make it to Junior High with her virginity intact: There's a girls line!

...If Bennifer were back together I'd swear the Apocalypse was upon us.

"Is This Blog Vapid?" or "My thoughts on Gossip Girl and Censorship" by Tregg

I have to say, I was a little less than pleased with last night's television programming.  While I could spend a whole blog dedicated to my first point, I will try to be as succinct as possible.  My Monday nights are highlighted-- if not bolded, italicized, and underlined by Gossip Girl.  It's a wonderful display of all the things I pretend I have in life-- wealth, style, social class, high cheek bones-- but don't and secretly, or not so secretly want.  It has had a pretty good run this season, from the Hamptons to the slammer, and as this season comes to a close, I have some beef with the producers.  I know you want to promote this new spin-off show, but did I really have to sit through the bulk of my Monday night guilty pleasure watching Brittany Snow try on reject Madonna music video costumes?

Sigh.  

Granted, after a a full episode of this new abomination, I'm sure I will slide head-first into LOVES IT, but trivializing Serena and Dan's reunion at prom and Blair's realization that Nate and she are donezo seems a bit unjust.  Wait, those things are trivial?  Shit.

After Brittany Snow's mugshot graced our screen, we promptly channel surfed on over to ABC Family, the station you can bring home to your mother.  They were, probably reluctantly, playing Mean Girls, which is most assuredly a violation of their stringent "Only play shows and movies that aren't funny" policy.

This movie is appropriately rated PG-13 because all of the characters keep their clothes on and no F Bombs are dropped.  However, AB-Sorry you can't say "bitch" Family, diluted it down to a blasphemous PG rating.  Here is a small smattering of words you can and cannot say on ABC Family, as heard in Mean Girls.

CAN:

-Byotch

-Fat Virgin

-Lesbian

-Too gay to function

CANNOT:

-Dyke

-Bitch

-Fat Whore

-Africa

Ok, I made that last one up, but you get the idea.

Bottom line, don't waste your time with Mean Girls on television.  Unless its on Showtime, and then you can hope to see a nip slip from someone.  Just hopefully not Damien.

Here's to a much more tantalizing Tuesday evening of television.  What's on again?  90210?  

Perfect.

Hates it: "Buying Clothes for Work" by Nicole

"You're wearing that same shirt AGAIN?"

I probably would've come back with some bitchy remark like "...You're a bitch!", but she's my niece. And she's eight.

I'm in serious need of some biz casj, but typically, when it comes to shopping for work clothes, I'd rather do community service with Naomi Campbell while she's on the rag and has a purse-full of Iphones.

Maybe I'll pull a Marge Simpson, and every night I'll go home and rip up my Faconnable button down and Banana Republic flat-fronts and turn then into a fabulous-yet-appropriate cocktail dress...and then a jumpsuit...and then a PONCHO!

::Sigh:: I suppose until I get a job for which the dress code is described as "quirky, fabulous, and sort of schizo", I'm doomed to purchase more button downs and flat fronts.

See you bitches at Kohl's.

"MySpace: A Place for Hates it" by Nicole

OK, to be clear, I don't know this chick. I just Google Imaged "MySpace Whore" and her picture happened to be among the first 10 results. And, to boot, it's hilarious. Win-Win.

Ah, MySpace. Where do I begin? Now, be aware, this is not going to be the commonly seen "I'm a Facebook convert so now MySpace can suck it" blog. This has nothing to do with Facebook. It has to do with the fact that MySpace has gone from a social networking tool to a social network for tools. Somehow, the lines got blurred and it is now THE source for hooking up with virtual strangers.

MySpace: A Place for Pussy.

I've pulled out. No pun intended. I'm almost mid-twenties, I can't be associated with these cyber sluts and the men who love to catch the clap from them. I mean, co-authoring a controversial and all-around offensive public blog is one thing, but THIS....it's too much.

So, alas, you won't find this face on the 'Space.

But, not to worry. I can still be reached for hookups via text.

This Song is Trash: "Soulmate" by Natasha Bedingfield

Kudos to Ms. Bedingfield for working the word "transitory" into a song.

Other than that, we're not impressed. Perhaps the suits at her record label decided to launch this trash as her next single because she recently tied the knot. That's the only explanation there could possibly be for subjecting the public to this crap.

Valiant effort, Natash - but, please, stick to your uptempo jams. After all - Speidi may be doing a spin-off and they're gonna need a theme song.

May we suggest "Pocketful of Hates it"?

That's brilliant. Someone get our agent on the phone.

What? We don't have an agent? ...Hates it.

That Song is Trash: "I Decided - Solange"

On a recent trip to local eatery "Hamburger Mary's" our ear drums had the misfortune of exposure to this abhorrent little gem by Beyonce's little sister.

We're not sure what is worse:  The fact that we thought this song was 20 years old (it's throwback sound is less "Ain't No Other Man" by Christina and more "It's Raining Men" by Geri Halliwell.) or the fact that the video looks like it was made with construction paper by 4th graders.

Having heard this song on our iTunes radio at work, we were shocked to learn it was actually Solange.  Just another classic example that younger siblings, although usually passing through the gateway to commercial marketability much easier due to their famous older relatives, often do not deserve the shot that they get.

Well, we take that back for one exception.  After all, then we wouldn't have Ashlee Simpson.....-Wentz.

Hall of Hates It

Here at LIOHI, we're experts at offending people. It's become like a full-time job. After all, not everyone is going to loves it.

However, we often find ourselves on the receiving end of the offensive. Here's a list of a few "hates its" we'll hates till we just can't hates no more:

1. The Drop Ceiling

Invented in God-knows-when by God-knows who, this is right at the top of our Hates It list. The worst possible scenario is a drop ceiling at a wedding. Ugh. We're judging you. Deal with it.

2. People who can't take a joke

I'm sorry that you felt the need to stop the world to point out that our comment was distasteful, but let's be honest...you walked right into it. And if you want to throw the word "distasteful" around...let's talk about that outfit for a second.

3. "Diva" by Beyonce

This.

Song.

Is.

Trash.

4. The new Coach Cs

Congratulations, Coach. You now resemble YOUR OWN knockoff. Hates it.

5. Mischa Barton

Why are we still seeing pictures of this girl? She's been out of the scene longer than that girl who was in Waterworld and Andre. You know. The one about the seal? Shouldn't Mischa be living on a beach somewhere running a surf shop by now? ...We can't.

"Hates'd And Confused" by Nicole

Since when is "do you smoke pot?" considered a good conversation starter? What kind of reaction do these guys think they're going to get, anyway?

"Why yes, I do! Do you have any? Oh my God, let's go out into the parking lot and spark it and then have sex!"

Here's what I really have to say: No, ok. I do not smoke pot. Nor am I attracted to pot or people who habitually smoke it. I hate it, quite frankly. Between the smell, the tiny lip-wrinkle-inducing joints and the ridiculous-looking paraphernalia, I just can't. There is nothing attractive about it.

No judgement. If this is the kind of thing you're into, that's fine. But can we please remove this question from the "getting to know you" vernacular? So NOT sexy.

Time to Retire/This Song is Trash: "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat (by Nicole)

Seriously? If I hear this song one more time in the car, I'm going to have to drive into a tree and just end it.

I can't. The saccharin-sweet lyrics, the sophomoric rhymes...someone kill me.

Why was this even a hit?? It's not even a good song! And as far as annoying melodies to get stuck in your head go, it ranks right up there with "It's a Small World"! I mean, COME ON!

It starts at my toes

Makes me crinkle my nose...

Choke me with a hose

Cause this song effing blows.

Honestly, between this shit-show of a song and "Unwell" by Matchbox 20, I'm ready to lose my mind.

"You can stand under my Hates-brella" by Nicole

Did you guys hear? There's a new game show coming this spring. it's called "Who's the Bigger Idiot?", and it stars these two D-Bags.

At first, I shared the same sentiment/run-on thought as pretty much everyone out there, which was: "Chris Brown is an asshole and you never hit a woman and poor Rihanna."

Now that sentiment has changed to: "Chris Brown is an asshole and you never hit a woman and poor Rihanna who is a moron and is setting a horrible example for all of her young female fans for getting back together with Chris Brown who is an asshole."

Chris: I hates it.

Rihanna: I DOUBLE hates it. Get the hell out of there!
PS - I love your bolero.

"I don't want my pubes on Facebook." by Tregg

I do love me some Facebook.  All of my friends are on it, and a good chunk of the boring parts of my day are filled by viewing new status messages and pictures that my friends post.  I like uploading pictures of my friends and me, too.  But I am going to draw the line:

I don't want my pubes on Facebook.

I've seen a trend where people, mostly those in Los Angeles, are posting modeling pictures of themselves online.  I totally get that.  They are generally sexy, well-styled, and photoshopped pictures.  Hell, I've thrown one up there myself from a company photo shoot I did for a work Christmas card last year.  It was fairly well received.  Thanks, you guys!

And while Facebook has implemented some screens to prohibit nudity from showing up on their site, but there seems to be one loophole that is being wildly exploited willingly by the Facebook users:  pubes.

That's right folks, pubes are running rampant on my Facebook, and I'm no prude, but I'd rather not have my porn so close to my Scrabble.  I know it probably says more about the company I keep, or the random photo albums I end up viewing because someone is in my vast Los Angeles network.  But who wants everyone to see them barely dressed and exposing their pubic hair?  At least have some class like this picture of the Black Crowes album, Amorica and detach your head from the pictures.  Otherwise, they may come to bite you in the ass when you run for president or Paris Hilton's My New BFF 2

This song is Trash: "Angels on the Moon- Thriving Ivory""

We hate that we've even heard of this song, but our damn eclectic iTunes radio has minimal discretion for what it plays.

First of all, we can't tell whether this is a man or a woman singing.  It is very much akin to the first time we heard "MMMBop" by Hanson and "Give Me One Reason" by Tracy Chapman.

All these artists have gender ambiguous names, and it confuses us. 

Furthermore, "Angels on the Moon" sounds like the singer, whomever he or she is, has been strangled while smoking cigarettes for 20 years and then asked to sing.

Further proof that we should record our album where we replace several words in a song with "Hates it."  That shit would be brillz.

Yogurt slinging

Don't you hate it when you're about to put something in your mouth, but before you even start, it gets all over your shirt?

Oh, sick ass!  Not THAT kind of yogurt slinging.  We actually mean YOGURT.  Like this Yoplait, for example.  You people disgust us.

Don't you hate when you open the foil seal and a little bit of yogurt flies onto your shirt?  Whoever decided that yogurt had to be injected with some kind of CO2 cartridge upon packing is going to get a strongly worded letter from The Loves It or Hates It Complaint Department.  And by department, we mean us.

We will take our yogurt and enjoy it.  But please package it with a lobster bib.  Or, more appropriately, a yogurt bib.

P.S.  This is our LEAST favorite flavor.  Just in case you were planning on sending us yogurt, *cough* corporate sponsorship *cough* 

This Video is Trash: "Christina Aguilera - Keeps Gettin' Better"

Christina Aguilera - New Music - More Music Videos

Ugh! This video is trash.

We don't understand the scene changes, or the terrible special effects, how she lost so much weight since the VMAs, or the Minority Report "magic screen and gloves" rip off.

We are sliding into hates it with Christina Aguilera, which is such a shame since it took her years to win us over from Team Britney.

Well, let's face it, she was always a distant second, but now she's definitely lost some ground on our pop star faves list.

This future theme officially can ride us. Just make good music, and have some kind of point to your music videos. You aren't Diddy, you can't just perform in front of psychedelic backgrounds and call it a video.

Leave that to "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems." Right now, it's more like "Mo' Money, Tons of Problems."

That was lame. The jokes aren't all good, people.

This Song is Trash: "Stay With Me - Ironik"

We're not totally sure that this is the artist we're talking about, but it's the first thing Google Image pulled up.

Have you guys heard this song?  It starts off with a digitized baby-esque voice, saying "Brothers and sisters...it will guide you through..." yadda yadda.  We don't even have the respect for this song to look up the lyrics.  

We retired the baby voice after we retired "Try Again" by Aaliyah.  R.I.P.

We're not sure why artists who are better suited for hip-hop and rap try to do inspirational songs and even less sure why they use hideous guest singers to do the chorus.

Please, do yourself a favor and don't listen to this song.  Unfortunately, it plays on our iTunes radio at work.  We are fervently writing a letter to 1.FM as we speak.

This Movie is Trash: "Prom Night"

Ok, you're probably thinking, "Of course 'Prom Night' was trash."  But, seriously it's awful.  Brittany Snow should snow blow us for that performance.  She spends the whole movie being really vulnerable and weak and having bad hair on her prom night.

Jessica Stroup, a.k.a Silver from 90210 The New Class makes a bloated appearance as the first friend to die.  Major accolades for shedding the 40 pounds before attending West Beverly High.

Our favorite part of the movie had to be in the special features when they show the alternate ending.  Not to ruin it for you, like you'll see it, but the movie ends with Brittany Snow crying in the arms of the policeman after her assailant is shot by the cops.  The alternate ending has a voice-over of the dead killer saying "We will always be together."  

We will recommend turning on the cast and director commentary, which is normally annoying, but since this alternate ending is literally 20 seconds, it's bearable. The director explains the voice-over as being a way for the killer to always haunt Brittany Snow, while Brittany interrupts him saying "I am soooo glad you guys didn't use this ending."

Like it was soooo different, Britt.  Fine cinema.  

This Show is Trash: The Secret Life of the American Teenager

Where do we begin?  

The pilot of this show is a master class in heinous.  There was something thoroughly unconvincing about all of the performances, even veteran Brat Packer Molly Ringwald.

Not to mention the thought of the lead girl being sexually active at such a young age made us thoroughly jealous we were late bloomers.  And the obvious attempt at a diverse cast leaves us with every conceivable ethnicity represented, save for the American Indians but definitely including the mentally handicapped.  We are all for diversity amidst a normally white-washed television landscape, but let's break it down.  In high school, races segregate much more often than they congregate.

We begrudgingly sat through the pilot, but cared little for the cast members.  Although, kudos to John Schneider, TV's original Bo Duke, for landing yet another acting role.  Sure follows up his turn as porn kingpin on Nip/Tuck nicely.