As in: Oh, SEE how ugly this dress is?
Friday, May 29, 2009
As in: Oh, SEE how ugly this dress is?
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Take my closet for instance - if a casual, non-objective observer were to look through my wardrobe, I am certain the picture they formed in their head of the wearer wouldn't look at all like me. In fact, it would probably resemble someone like this:
Sadly, I am not Lady Gaga. My life doesn't resemble hers at all. I have a full time desk job, and my nights are spent either at the gym, watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians reuruns, or thrift shopping (most recent score - a $5 vintage Dior jacket...thanks, you guys!).
So why, you ask, do I own a sequin bolero? I don't know.
The leather pants? Can't help ya.
Lace gloves? Patent leggings? Fur capelet? ...Who the hell knows.
It may be that, in my head, I yearn for Gaga's beautiful-dirty-rich lifestyle - or at least I want to dress like I do.
All I know is that, when it comes to my closet, Gaga would loves it and PETA would hates it....and maybe that's enough for now.
...Oh, give me a break, it's vintage. The animal would be dead by now, anyway.*
*Disclaimer: when it comes to animal cruelty...we hates it. No furry little bitches were harmed in the writing of this blog.
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I slept half-naked and weary,
Friday, May 22, 2009
**Sigh** As if the clearance racks at Marshall's weren't crowded enough...Beyonce and her Beyond-Sane mother, Tina Knowles, just keep churning out their sick-ass designs like there's no tomorrow.
The tagline they've chosen for HOD (Hates of Dereon) is "From the Catwalk to the Sidewalk". I guess "From the Catwalk to the Sidewalk...to Ross Dress for Less to The Back of Your Closet to Goodwill to the Ass of a Homeless Crack Whore" was too long.
And, just in case you were worried your daughter would make it to Junior High with her virginity intact: There's a girls line!
...If Bennifer were back together I'd swear the Apocalypse was upon us.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
"Is that an Olympic Gold Medalist in your pocket...?" or "Why I loves that Shawn Johnson won DWTS" by Nicole
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
It started, innocently enough, back in the 90s, with a subscription my Nana purchased for me as a way of helping me with my "sell a bunch of magazines and get a 5 pound Hershey Bar" school fundraiser.
The now defunct Sassy Magazine turned out to be my gateweay drug into a world of glossy materialism. Others followed. Seventeen. YM. Teen. Teen Prom. Your Prom. Your Teen Prom. ...I was hooked.
My addiction has been a significant presence in my life for 15 years. Some loathe it, some enable it, few understand it. I loves it.
But, lately, with the economy floundering along with impulse shopping and careless spending, I've really been trying to turn over a new leaf.
"One a month. One magazine a month is all I **gulp** need."
After all, at $3.99 a whack (even more for the spring and fall issues!), that gloss don't come cheap.
So, with a wallet free of funds and a heart full of determination, I wandered into Barnes & Noble to begin a new tradition: I would pick up every new fashion mag in the joint, grab a comfy chair, and thumb through each until I had found my one monthly purchase.
Then it happened. Usually one of the most annoying occurances known to (wo)man, and certainly THE most annoying when you're trying to read a magazine on the elliptical machine; one of those god-damned cardboard subscription thingies fell onto the floor.
I picked it up and, while I moved to annoyedly shove it back into it's appropriate spot, I read:
"LOWEST PRICES EVER. THIS OFFER WILL NOT BE REPEATED. TWO YEARS (THAT'S 24 MONTHS) OF MARIE CLAIRE FOR $10!"
This couldn't be real. This had to be one of those hallucinations that people have when they're crossing the desert on a mule or something. I investigated further.
"SUBSCRIBE TO ELLE NOW. GET 12 ISSUES FOR $10! THAT'S 80% OFF THE COVER PRICE!"
"GLAMOUR AND LUCKY! ONE FULL YEAR OF BOTH FOR ONLY $15. NICOLE, IF YOU DON'T FILL OUT THIS CARD RIGHT NOW AND TOSS IT INTO THE MAIL YOU ARE A RETARD!"
The universe was clearly sending me a message. I had spent the last 15 years shelling out...let's see...an average of three mags a month times roughly $4 each times twelve months equals...A SHITLOAD OF MONEY! ($144 - gross.)
I am happy to say that I will never again purchase a magazine at the newsstand price...well, not counting those People Style Watch special editions...those things are hot ass. Instead, I am making a huge step for myself, and maybe one for womankind. I am now the proud owner/recipient of four subscriptions totaling only $35. That's about equal to the cost of 8.5 checkout-line issues!
Instead of hates-ing on my past glossy financial blunders, I decided to move forward, think positively, and continue to act like a responsible, almost mid-twenties recessionista and put the rest of the money that I would have spent this year into my savings account.
How hot ass is that?
Monday, May 11, 2009
"You're wearing that same shirt AGAIN?"
I probably would've come back with some bitchy remark like "...You're a bitch!", but she's my niece. And she's eight.
I'm in serious need of some biz casj, but typically, when it comes to shopping for work clothes, I'd rather do community service with Naomi Campbell while she's on the rag and has a purse-full of Iphones.
Maybe I'll pull a Marge Simpson, and every night I'll go home and rip up my Faconnable button down and Banana Republic flat-fronts and turn then into a fabulous-yet-appropriate cocktail dress...and then a jumpsuit...and then a PONCHO!
::Sigh:: I suppose until I get a job for which the dress code is described as "quirky, fabulous, and sort of schizo", I'm doomed to purchase more button downs and flat fronts.
See you bitches at Kohl's.
Friday, May 8, 2009
OK, I'm not going to lie, I kind of wanted to hates this show. Tregg and I have been Proj Run groupies since Austin Scarlett's corn husk dress. I mean what's not to love? Between "What happened to Andre? and "It's a motherfuckin' walk-off", PR is a gold mine for quotes alone! I may never recover from the devastating loss that occured when Bravo (cooler than E!, gayer than LOGO) lost PR to sick ass Lifetime...with their Reba and their Dean Cain movies. Hates it.
That said, even though it won't be shown on my fave network, I felt it would be wrong to turn my back on the dynamic duo of Klum and Kors...not to mention that adorable I-want-you-to-come-live-with-me-and-be-my-gay-houseboy Tim Gunn.
Allegiance be damned, I tuned in to The Fashion Show last night at ten because - well, frankly, PR doesn't start till fall and I was up watching a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon anyway so, why not, right? I mean, come on, a girl can only go so long without watching a bunch of gays run around a fabric store with twelve dollars trying to find material to make brocade hot pants - am I right?
Verdict - LOVES'd IT!!!! This show was a hoot and a half. If for no other reason, you should tune in to admire gay-as-a-picnic-basket Merlin's extensive hat collection. I still don't quite get why Kelly Rowland is co-hosting, or why she is any kind of authority on fashion... I just keep hoping she'll start working lines from Destiny's Child songs into her comments on the designers' projects.
"OOh, child. If I wore that bolero, you can bet all the boys would Say My Name."
"That Bandage Skirt is too tight to be practical. How am I supposed to run to the bank to pay my Bills, Bills, Bills in that thing?"
Here's hoping. OH! The funniest thing of all - Bravo kept their sponsors! Oh, really Lifetime? You thought you were gonna get Tresemme? We think not!
I can hear Tim Gunn now. "Designers, I'm sending in your models. You are to send them to the Mane & Tail hair salon..."
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
OK, to be clear, I don't know this chick. I just Google Imaged "MySpace Whore" and her picture happened to be among the first 10 results. And, to boot, it's hilarious. Win-Win.
Ah, MySpace. Where do I begin? Now, be aware, this is not going to be the commonly seen "I'm a Facebook convert so now MySpace can suck it" blog. This has nothing to do with Facebook. It has to do with the fact that MySpace has gone from a social networking tool to a social network for tools. Somehow, the lines got blurred and it is now THE source for hooking up with virtual strangers.
MySpace: A Place for Pussy.
I've pulled out. No pun intended. I'm almost mid-twenties, I can't be associated with these cyber sluts and the men who love to catch the clap from them. I mean, co-authoring a controversial and all-around offensive public blog is one thing, but THIS....it's too much.
So, alas, you won't find this face on the 'Space.
But, not to worry. I can still be reached for hookups via text.