Sunday, July 5, 2009

"Whose thong is this?" or "How to be an amazing ex-girlfriend without really trying" - by Nicole

There are few things in life I know I do very well, but besides mentioning the obvious things, like spelling, make-up application, and accessorizing, (not like that's all of them - come on, people, who do you think you're dealing with?) I can without hesitation say this - I am an amazing ex-girlfriend.

You'd be surprised how easy it is to be an AEG, and yet, so many ladies habitually get it wrong. Sure, break ups suck - whether you're the breaker or the breakee, it's just not a good time. Fret not, readers. LIOHI is here to help. Here's a step-by-step guide to mastering the art of getting lost.

1. Get Lost.
Do not (I repeat - DO NOT) remain Facebook, Myspace, or Twitter (gay) friends until the storm has passed. The last thing you want is to be tempted to check up on your ex - or their current relationship status. You're not going to see anything that you want to see, so lay off their page altogether. Save yourself the anxiety and delete, delete, delete. You can add them again later when you're really over it and/or dating a Swedish ski instructor (Sven, can you hear me?)

2. Leave Nothing Behind.
Ok, yes, it's miz to have to go over to his pad and pick up your Lady Gaga CD...wait. That's a bad example. No self-respecting LIOHI reader would leave The Fame at a bf's house. The point is - you will miss your CD/copy of The Secret/Pilates DVD and you DO want it back. Go get it! You do not want to have to think about him cuddled up on his futon with some slut watching YOUR season three of Family Guy! And while you're at it, return his Fleetwood Mac t-shirt. You never wanted that trash anyway.

3. Get Really Hot.
I bet you think #3 is all about revenge on your ex. It's not. This one is all about you. Go to the gym. Go for long walks. Stop eating. Whatever you need to do to KNOW that you are the hottest thing walking this apocolyptic-age earth, you do it! And if you happen to bump into him at Rite Aid while you're buying your twelfth Diet Coke of the day, so be it. While he walks away kicking himself, you will know that the rumble in your flat-as-shit stomach means one thing - victory.

4. No Trash Talking.
I know it's hard, people, but this one is key. The more you go around spewing venom to people, the greater the chances that it will get back to your ex AND you will look like a Bitter Betty (or Bobby). Let's play it classy, shall we? The truth is, your ex did you a favor. You don't want to be with anoyne who doesn't want to be with you. Move on. Talk nice. Stop eating. You know the rules. You'll feel much more fabulous post-breakup if you keep all your hostility inside. To quote one of my favorite movies - "Feeling are like treasures, so bury them"...and stop eating.

5. Get. Lost.
This rule bears repeating. I mean it. You're not doing yourself any favors by being visible to your ex. And while I'm on the topic - delete their cell info too. This includes any pics of them in your phone. Seriously, why torture yourself? You'll need that memory space anyway so that you can take pictures of your ribs poking out of your vest.

I hope this how-to guide has been helpful. To keep these secrets to myself would be doing a disservice to my fellow man, woman...that sort of thing.

So be brave, love yourself, and know that there is someone out there as hot-ass as you who is just waiting to be all up in your business.

And hey - eat something. You're looking a little too Lindsay Lohan circa right now.


Anonymous said...

Definitely Loves It

Anonymous said...

Love it!