LA Survival Guide: Part 2

"Oscar Fashion - Loves it Or Hates It" or "How to look like a radish rosette without really trying" by Nicole

You know it's a disappointing night on the red carpet when your fave dress is worn by one of the male nominees' wives. That said, this frosting-colored grecian number can TALK TA ME! Perfectly executed, by the way, as well. Minimal jewlelry and a sparkling clutch. Well done, host of Shear Genius, well done.

Oh wait, that's Matthew McConaughey's wife. Oh well. Still lovesin' the crap out of this dress.

The HATES ITs

Thank you, Vera Farmiga, for inspiring the title of this blog. That said, what the Farmiga were you thinking? The color is gorge, but the oddly-situated ruffles are reminiscent of a garnish we once saw on our plate of fish tacos at The Cheesecake Factory. It also reminds us of that fluffy gray creation Chloe Sevigny wore to the Globes. PS - we hated THAT dress, too.

Dear Faith Hill - we understand that "a Mississippi girl don't change her ways"...but we kinda wish she would. You look like a Saloon girl from an old Western town. The one standing around, fanning herself, while all the hot Saloon girls get the business in the back room.

Jennifer Lopez and Demi Moore - I'm so glad these two were photographed together. It saved me room in my "Oscars - Hates It" file for more pictures. J-Lo, please add "dresses made of lilac bubble wrap" to your list of things NEVER to do again. Right next to "Sing live on SNL" and "marry a waiter".

Demi - I'm trying to explain, in a non-vulgar way, that this dress looks like it was sewn from the extra skin lying around the office of Dr. 90210. I don't think it worked. Sick ass. Love the chunky, matchy-matchy shoes, though. That David's Bridal sure can dye the shit out of a satin platform.

Kate Winslet - you know those separates that just work together so well, you'd SWEAR it was an elegant evening gown??? Yeah, we don't either.

Sarah Jessica Parker - this dress was a bigger disappointment that Season 5 of SATC. I really liked it sitting down...from far away...not in HD. That said, you are still a fashion goddess in my eyes, and I am going to pretend that you had something WAY better picked out, but then James Wilkie drew on it with Sharpie and the twins threw up on the train. You had no choice. (...Please tell us you had no choice)

Zoe Saldana - this dress is beautiful. Kind of like how childbirth is beautiful. Oh, the humanity! I kind of want to hang her from a tree and whack her with a stick until Smarties fall out. Abrupt dip dye...and is that a SLIT?!? I need to sit down.

The LOVES ITs

Nicole Richie - There are very few 80 lb. four-foot waifs who could pull off this much of a dress, and most of them are gay men. Bravo, Ms. Richie for having the panache of a drag queen necessary to make this dress a winner. It's very "Bianca Jagger walk of shame"...in a good way!

Diane Cruger - Homegirl Loves herself some Chanel. Not that I can blame her. This dress definitely had its share of haters, but I'm rushing to its defense. LOVE the black details popping against the french vanilla crepe paper folds of the bodice and hem. And the center section, with the crimped-ruffle detail...well, let's just say it's a good thing this bitch doesn't eat solids. Another stunner from that bitchy gay, Karl Lagerfeld, that makes us want to have wine for dinner.

Shut your mouth, Molly Ringwald! I love this dress! Granted, I'd like to bust out my seam ripper and remove that art-noveau bit at the waist, and replace that cuff with a yellow-diamond bangle...but a hot dress nonetheless. It almost makes me forget about the droopy Laura Ashley florals from days of yore. ...Almost.

All in all, WAY more hates it than loves it. But hey, I got a blog out of it.

C'est la vie.

"LIOHI Fashion Poll" or "Can white guys pull off cream suits?" by Tregg

I recently got a new job where I have to wear suits Monday - Friday. I had one sick ass suit in my closet from college that I absolutely abhor. It was a time well before Justin Timberlake brought SexyBack. I've had this suit tailored once, and I still swim in it. If I didn't love the actual suit itself, I would have trashed this bitch a long time ago.

Naturally, I spent the past few weeks suit shopping, looking for good deals, planning for future purchases, etc. This is when I stumbled into Express to see what kind of suits they have.

I stumbled upon this:

Now, don't get me wrong. This is not an every day suit. This is probably not even a winter suit. But, I tried it on and I loves it.

Feel free to give me your knee-jerk reactions to this. But please keep in mind, I live in California, the weather is mostly nice, and I'm fairly dark complected with dark brown hair. Just think about it.

"Wow, that Navid's girlfriend is such a skank" or "WHAT THE HELL AM I WATCHING??" by Nicole

I think I might like bad TV.

I'm seeing the alternatives flash before me on the cable guide.

Bones. The Biggest Loser. The Office. Ace of Cakes.

As I sit there, scraping the inside of a greek yogurt container (maybe with my finger - whatever) I marvel at all the options that lie before me. Some nominated for Emmys and Golden Globes. Some, even winners.

Who is my winner? Friggin' 90210 The New Class. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not even invested in these characters - I've missed like 30 episodes! I don't even like their names! Silver? Who's named Silver? (Yes I know, it's her last name. Don't interrupt.)

The story is ludicrous and the acting is - ooooooooh - I wonder where she got that top...

And there it is. The clothes. I watch these stupid goddamn shows because the clothes are cute. I am officially shallow.

But hey, at least I'm self aware.

Gucci, Chanel, Louboutin, that's how they get us! That's how 90210 and Melrose Place and The City and those damn Kardashians trick us into watching their stupid shows. I know it! They're manipulators, all of them!

But not Gossip Girl. That show is brilliant.

Idle Chatter with Nicole and Tregg: Part 1

On attending her high school class reunion:

Nicole: What does one wear to Dave & Buster's?

Tregg: American Eagle and Doc Marten's.

"How to Dress Your Age" or "My Size Barbie Needs a Better Wig" by Tregg

In case you didn't watch VH1 Diva's Live (shame on you!), here is the dress Kim Zolciak wore that I discuss in the vlog below.

Enjoy and discuss.

"Oh, no she DIDN'T" or "Peg Bundy called, she thinks you look sick ass" by Tregg

Now, I've taken issue with this whole campaign from the jump off.  I've politely kept my mouth shut.  But now, my journalistic injunction is being involuntarily lifted by the code of conduct I hold for myself.  After all, I was voted Best Dressed Class of 2002 at Vermilion High School.

Britney Spears, while she has been through the ringer in the past few years (don't get me started) was once Donatella Versace's muse.  She's now doing a Candie's campaign.  For Kohl's?

Oh, hell no.

Furthermore, they decided to stick her in this banded, faux leopard--which is probably made of velvet, sick ass--jacket with leater--read:  pleather--piping.   I don't know what era that is from, but it is certainly not from 2009.  

But more importantly, I find it hysterical that Britney cannot even muster a hot face for this picture.  You know there were about 500 shots in this outfit to get a good look, and we get THIS.   Bitch knows this outfit is trash, and can't fake it.

For that, I salute you, Britney Spears.  Now go wipe some fried chicken grease on this coat and get a frappucino.

“Fash-Inspiration Du Jour: Rick James” or “How To Manage Adult ADD Without Really Trying” by Nicole

There are some things in this life one should dare not try to explain. Of course, there are people out there who refuse to leave things to the imagination…but I digress. For whatever reason, as of late, wearing a giant silver ring on every finger suddenly sounded like a fantastic idea.

I am now, and have always been, a creature of impulse. I didn’t even realize I had an impulsive personality until I met my friend, T (not Tregg). T possesses just about the most irrational and immediate behavior pattern I’ve ever witnessed in another human being. She acts quickly, whole-heartedly, and often without consideration of the alternatives.

…It’s like looking in a friggin’ mirror.

Luckily, I’ve managed to harness my impulsivity (read: raging ADD) in the workplace, but not in my personal life. And CERTAINLY not in my relationship with clothes (See post featuring Lady Gaga, below). In that aspect of my life, possessing the emotional restraint of a bunny rabbit has leant itself to a series of phases: there was The “I’m Only Going to Wear Dark Denim” Phase, The “No Outfit is Complete without a Cardigan” Phase, and, most recently The “One Can Never Have Too Much Black Sequins in Their Life” Phase.

In an attempt to exhibit some semblance of growth in my almost-mid-twenties, I’ve been making a concerted effort to act more shrewdly and cerebrally. But, there’s something about a naked left hand that I can no longer abide. I have no rationale to go on except that once your hair is long (like mine – thanks, you guys!), chandelier earrings can’t really be appreciated, and necklaces make me want to scratch my neck all day – and then hang myself.

Thus begins the “Silver ring on every finger RIP Rick James” phase.

…I give it a week.

Sick Ass of the Week: "The O.C" by Nicole

As in: Oh, SEE how ugly this dress is?

This reminds me of my mom's old Chadwick's Catalogs. There was always that one dress: Long sleeves, four panel skirt, twelve colors, twenty sizes, zero style.

I wonder is Misch opted for the 5 day freight or overnight shipping...

"A Sequins of Events" by Nicole

While perusing my closet this morning, in an attempt to find something sensible to wear on this rainy workday, I started to think about how our clothes reflect our lives.

Take my closet for instance - if a casual, non-objective observer were to look through my wardrobe, I am certain the picture they formed in their head of the wearer wouldn't look at all like me. In fact, it would probably resemble someone like this:

Sadly, I am not Lady Gaga. My life doesn't resemble hers at all. I have a full time desk job, and my nights are spent either at the gym, watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians reuruns, or thrift shopping (most recent score - a $5 vintage Dior jacket...thanks, you guys!).

So why, you ask, do I own a sequin bolero? I don't know.

The leather pants? Can't help ya.

Lace gloves? Patent leggings? Fur capelet? ...Who the hell knows.

It may be that, in my head, I yearn for Gaga's beautiful-dirty-rich lifestyle - or at least I want to dress like I do.

All I know is that, when it comes to my closet, Gaga would loves it and PETA would hates it....and maybe that's enough for now.

...Oh, give me a break, it's vintage. The animal would be dead by now, anyway.*

*Disclaimer: when it comes to animal cruelty...we hates it. No furry little bitches were harmed in the writing of this blog.

This Line is Trash: "(House of) Dereon" by Nicole

**Sigh** As if the clearance racks at Marshall's weren't crowded enough...Beyonce and her Beyond-Sane mother, Tina Knowles, just keep churning out their sick-ass designs like there's no tomorrow.

The tagline they've chosen for HOD (Hates of Dereon) is "From the Catwalk to the Sidewalk". I guess "From the Catwalk to the Sidewalk...to Ross Dress for Less to The Back of Your Closet to Goodwill to the Ass of a Homeless Crack Whore" was too long.

And, just in case you were worried your daughter would make it to Junior High with her virginity intact: There's a girls line!

...If Bennifer were back together I'd swear the Apocalypse was upon us.

Loves it - "When ELLE freezes over", by Nicole

Hi. I'm Nicole. And I'm a fashion magazine addict.

"Hi, Nicole."

It started, innocently enough, back in the 90s, with a subscription my Nana purchased for me as a way of helping me with my "sell a bunch of magazines and get a 5 pound Hershey Bar" school fundraiser.

The now defunct Sassy Magazine turned out to be my gateweay drug into a world of glossy materialism. Others followed. Seventeen. YM. Teen. Teen Prom. Your Prom. Your Teen Prom. ...I was hooked.

My addiction has been a significant presence in my life for 15 years. Some loathe it, some enable it, few understand it. I loves it.

But, lately, with the economy floundering along with impulse shopping and careless spending, I've really been trying to turn over a new leaf.

"One a month. One magazine a month is all I **gulp** need."

After all, at $3.99 a whack (even more for the spring and fall issues!), that gloss don't come cheap.

So, with a wallet free of funds and a heart full of determination, I wandered into Barnes & Noble to begin a new tradition: I would pick up every new fashion mag in the joint, grab a comfy chair, and thumb through each until I had found my one monthly purchase.

Then it happened. Usually one of the most annoying occurances known to (wo)man, and certainly THE most annoying when you're trying to read a magazine on the elliptical machine; one of those god-damned cardboard subscription thingies fell onto the floor.

"%$#&#*$^#$@&!!!!!!."

I picked it up and, while I moved to annoyedly shove it back into it's appropriate spot, I read:

"LOWEST PRICES EVER. THIS OFFER WILL NOT BE REPEATED. TWO YEARS (THAT'S 24 MONTHS) OF MARIE CLAIRE FOR $10!"

This couldn't be real. This had to be one of those hallucinations that people have when they're crossing the desert on a mule or something. I investigated further.

"SUBSCRIBE TO ELLE NOW. GET 12 ISSUES FOR $10! THAT'S 80% OFF THE COVER PRICE!"

"GLAMOUR AND LUCKY! ONE FULL YEAR OF BOTH FOR ONLY $15. NICOLE, IF YOU DON'T FILL OUT THIS CARD RIGHT NOW AND TOSS IT INTO THE MAIL YOU ARE A RETARD!"

The universe was clearly sending me a message. I had spent the last 15 years shelling out...let's see...an average of three mags a month times roughly $4 each times twelve months equals...A SHITLOAD OF MONEY! ($144 - gross.)

I am happy to say that I will never again purchase a magazine at the newsstand price...well, not counting those People Style Watch special editions...those things are hot ass. Instead, I am making a huge step for myself, and maybe one for womankind. I am now the proud owner/recipient of four subscriptions totaling only $35. That's about equal to the cost of 8.5 checkout-line issues!

Instead of hates-ing on my past glossy financial blunders, I decided to move forward, think positively, and continue to act like a responsible, almost mid-twenties recessionista and put the rest of the money that I would have spent this year into my savings account.

How hot ass is that?

Hates it: "Buying Clothes for Work" by Nicole

"You're wearing that same shirt AGAIN?"

I probably would've come back with some bitchy remark like "...You're a bitch!", but she's my niece. And she's eight.

I'm in serious need of some biz casj, but typically, when it comes to shopping for work clothes, I'd rather do community service with Naomi Campbell while she's on the rag and has a purse-full of Iphones.

Maybe I'll pull a Marge Simpson, and every night I'll go home and rip up my Faconnable button down and Banana Republic flat-fronts and turn then into a fabulous-yet-appropriate cocktail dress...and then a jumpsuit...and then a PONCHO!

::Sigh:: I suppose until I get a job for which the dress code is described as "quirky, fabulous, and sort of schizo", I'm doomed to purchase more button downs and flat fronts.

See you bitches at Kohl's.

Review: "The Fashion Show" by Nicole

OK, I'm not going to lie, I kind of wanted to hates this show. Tregg and I have been Proj Run groupies since Austin Scarlett's corn husk dress. I mean what's not to love? Between "What happened to Andre? and "It's a motherfuckin' walk-off", PR is a gold mine for quotes alone! I may never recover from the devastating loss that occured when Bravo (cooler than E!, gayer than LOGO) lost PR to sick ass Lifetime...with their Reba and their Dean Cain movies. Hates it.

That said, even though it won't be shown on my fave network, I felt it would be wrong to turn my back on the dynamic duo of Klum and Kors...not to mention that adorable I-want-you-to-come-live-with-me-and-be-my-gay-houseboy Tim Gunn.

Allegiance be damned, I tuned in to The Fashion Show last night at ten because - well, frankly, PR doesn't start till fall and I was up watching a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon anyway so, why not, right? I mean, come on, a girl can only go so long without watching a bunch of gays run around a fabric store with twelve dollars trying to find material to make brocade hot pants - am I right?

Verdict - LOVES'd IT!!!! This show was a hoot and a half. If for no other reason, you should tune in to admire gay-as-a-picnic-basket Merlin's extensive hat collection. I still don't quite get why Kelly Rowland is co-hosting, or why she is any kind of authority on fashion... I just keep hoping she'll start working lines from Destiny's Child songs into her comments on the designers' projects.

"OOh, child. If I wore that bolero, you can bet all the boys would Say My Name."
"That Bandage Skirt is too tight to be practical. How am I supposed to run to the bank to pay my Bills, Bills, Bills in that thing?"

Here's hoping. OH! The funniest thing of all - Bravo kept their sponsors! Oh, really Lifetime? You thought you were gonna get Tresemme? We think not!

I can hear Tim Gunn now. "Designers, I'm sending in your models. You are to send them to the Mane & Tail hair salon..."

Delish.

HATES IT: Seasonal Merch in Retail Stores

Don't get us wrong, we love a good sale.  And with the sagging economy (what sagging economy? ugh, we're over it too) sales are more and more frequent.  Loves it.  However, and we're sure we're not alone here, we hate having such a small window to capitalize on these amazing deals.

For example, Tregg still loses sleep over a Calvin Klein leather moto cross jacket circa 2005 that was on sale for $60, originally priced $270 that was in his size but he did not buy.  After realizing this grave error, he returned to the store only to find said outerwear to be gone.  Of course.

For another example, Nicole... well the examples are plentiful, let's say.  Girl never met a sale she didn't loves.

But the other thing we hates is how seasons dictate what our favorite stores carry.  That cashmere sweater you saw in February but couldn't bring yourself to buy?  Well, it's March, and some other bitch is wearing it now.  Those brown Marc Jacob flip flops you didn't buy because you have some DKNY ones, but are now realizing that you foolishly bought those too big....no one?  Just us?  Well, those MJ flips are now in white and black only and in bright accent colors like green and blue.

Dear Retailers,

We understand the capitalism drive to sale price your items and to only stock certain merch for a limited amount of time.  But we are still mourning the loss of jackets, shoes, purses, and sunglasses that someone else is wearing and probably not looking as good as us in.

Sincerely hates it,

LIOHI

"Everybody Alexander Wang chung tonight" by Nicole

Picture this scene, if you will: my NGFBFF (non-gay-female-BFF) and I were wandering around NYC, trying to find an obscure, off-broadway theatre near Canal Street to see a show starring a guy we'd never met, who, incidentally, has a huge boner for her.

We step into an elevator and press 3. The doors open.

Screw the theatre. Screw Iowa. THIS was heaven.

I don't recall any specifics...I just remember alot of black and white tile, mammoth crystal chandeliers, and racks of sparkly shit I probably couldn't afford. It was fabulous. Our heads practically lift off our bodies as we lean in, to catch a stolen glimpse of this jewel hidden among the rough streets of Manhattan - in which we were certain we didn't belong.

The stylish blonde standing on the other side of the elevator doors agreed.

"You guys going down?"

"Uh...yeah"

Our heads reattach as we take our places on either side of the blonde like two awkward, doe-eyed bookends.

"Um. What was that?"

"Alexander Wang."

"Right."

The doors open on the ground floor and we go our separate ways. She, to continue living her lavish, presumably perfect life - and we, to continue look for the theatre and subsequently shit ourselves.

Holy crap! Talk about a Hot Ass of the Week! We, in our search for theatrical obscurity stumbled upon the Alexander Wang showroom?!

Now, in case you've been living under a rock, Alexander Wang is just about the hottest young designer right now. Go on and Google him, I'll wait. You know all those ripped jeans and tissue-thin Ts you've been seeing just about EVERYWHERE?? Yeah. That's him.

The next morning, as the sun shined, we walked to find a place to grab pancakes and a Bloody Mary and passed the same unmarked, unassuming building where we had had our life-changing elevator ride to couture paradise. While NGFBFF and Boner Boy chatted, I glanced up at the second floor windows longingly, when, there he was - leaning against a wall of perfect glass. On a perfect New York day. In perfect solitary peace. From his perfect world.

We caught each others eyes for a moment and I looked away, suddenly shy from his gaze. Alexander Wang. Looking down from high above like a skinny, fabulous, asian Jesus watching over his flock. As I walked down the hot sidewalk on this gorgeous New York morning, with $1 in the pocket of my ripped jeans, the sun wisping through my tissue-thin T, and Alexander Wang looking down at me, life suddenly felt just a little perfect.

The spicy Bloody Mary diluted my morning haze and, as I sipped, I wondered if somewhere, on a second floor near Canal street, a skinny asian Jesus thought I was fabulous.

"Tell me about it, stud!" by Nicole

Lately, I've been considering making a certain...investment. Considered retro by some and pathetic by others, I've been pondering it for quite some time. Recently, I opened up to a good friend, looking for reassurance, a second opinion, anything(!) to help me feel...well...here's what happened:

Nicole: "Spoo, I want to buy a Bedazzler."

Tregg: "Spoo, you crazy. HAHA."

Nicole: "I want to stud all my clothes."

Tregg: "I want someone to stud ME."

OK, not the reaction I was hoping for. But, COME ON! What better way, in these recession-astic times to save some cash? Instead of spending money on the overpriced rocker-ish clothes dominating the stores, I could just Bedazzle the SHIT out of the ones I've already got!

I wonder how difficult it is to drive studs through a leather boot, anyways.

A Bedazzler runs about $19 on Ebay. You think they'll throw in 500 square silver studs for free? I'm working on it.

"Dye, Bitch, Dye" by Nicole

It's officially a recession, people. I know, this is hardly late-breaking blog-worthy gossip, but in this shit-show of an economy, I know you're all looking for ways to save some dough.

And so, behold - your new BFF. Rit dye.

I confess, I spent many a year of my life passing by these square paper boxes in CVS or Michael's Crafts, thinking "Wow. That looks like a huge undertaking" but, I am happy to report, I am now a gigantic fan of Rit. It's so easy. All you need is a big bucket and some hot water. The recipe on the box suggests that you add 1 Tbsp detergent and 1 cup of salt for best results...but that's just a suggestion. You know. Like stop signs.

Most recently, I used a box of black to turn a pair of perfectly distressed, yet unperfectly colored (who makes off-white anymore, anyway?) skinny jeans into a raven-hued masterpiece. With plenty of dye-bath left over, I threw in my fave pair of skinny black pants that had long ago faded into a sad, fuzzy, annoying, off-black. And, after 30 minutes in the bucket and a quick rinse cycle in the wash.......................perfection!

So, save your money. Don't re-buy your wardrobe: revive your wardrobe! $2.29 buys a box with enough dye to breathe new life into at least five garments.

And the next time you're at Zara, and they only have that vest left in Navy, don't hates it. Don't debates it. Just freakin' GETS it!

Trust me, once you go black, you'll never..not...go black.

Thanks, you dyes!

"Everybody let go, we can make the dance floor just like a Hates It." by Nicole

Britney, we know you're on tour and this is just a costume - but we hates it. You look like one of those old Owl Salt N Pepper shakers from the 50s.

"I don't want my pubes on Facebook." by Tregg

I do love me some Facebook.  All of my friends are on it, and a good chunk of the boring parts of my day are filled by viewing new status messages and pictures that my friends post.  I like uploading pictures of my friends and me, too.  But I am going to draw the line:

I don't want my pubes on Facebook.

I've seen a trend where people, mostly those in Los Angeles, are posting modeling pictures of themselves online.  I totally get that.  They are generally sexy, well-styled, and photoshopped pictures.  Hell, I've thrown one up there myself from a company photo shoot I did for a work Christmas card last year.  It was fairly well received.  Thanks, you guys!

And while Facebook has implemented some screens to prohibit nudity from showing up on their site, but there seems to be one loophole that is being wildly exploited willingly by the Facebook users:  pubes.

That's right folks, pubes are running rampant on my Facebook, and I'm no prude, but I'd rather not have my porn so close to my Scrabble.  I know it probably says more about the company I keep, or the random photo albums I end up viewing because someone is in my vast Los Angeles network.  But who wants everyone to see them barely dressed and exposing their pubic hair?  At least have some class like this picture of the Black Crowes album, Amorica and detach your head from the pictures.  Otherwise, they may come to bite you in the ass when you run for president or Paris Hilton's My New BFF 2