"Because your kiss is on my list - and it's also the SICK ASS of the Week." By Nicole

Picture, if you will, this scenario:

A lovely spring evening in 2003. You and Dude* (* = name has been changed to protect the hates its) end a great date by rolling around in his double bed. The fun of the evening is only made better by the fact that Dude happens to be a great kisser. Thank God. The next day you wake up with swollen lips and a swollen sense of accomplishment.

Fast forward a few years...you and Dude stage a catch-up at a local bar. You end the date by (sort of) rolling around in his car. The fun of the evening is...wait. Hang on a damn minute. What the hell is he doing? Why is my chin wet? Could it be??? Dude has become -

A BAD KISSER!!!!!!!!!

Has this shit ever happened to you?? I don't understand it but I've seen it at least three whole times. Time does not matter. I've seen the shift occur over a span of two months and up to two years. It's like these guys take some How-to-Become-a-Horrible-Kisser Master Class while we're away. Is there a tutorial? Does Sally Struthers hock the courses in commercials between back episodes of This Old House?

What the eff is going on?!?

I don't know, but I personally HATES IT. If you're gonna be a good kisser you'd better keep that shit up. You can't just all of a sudden decide to let your tongue flap around all wills-nills. Seriously. That would be like Carrie Bradshaw opting to echew the Manolos and start shopping at Fayva.

Sick ASS.

"I have the hottest friends." -by Tregg

This blog isn't going to make me any friends, but I have been thinking about writing it for a long time, so I'm just going to write it.  Bring on the consequences, this is America.

I have noticed for years now, ever since the glorious invention that brought photographs to Facebook (yes, there indeed was a time where you could only have a profile photo on Facebook, and no albums.  Atrocious, right?) that most people aren't very creative with photo captioning.  I have come to terms with this, since most people's crafting of the English language is markedly sub-par.  But one common theme I've noticed in several people's photo captioning occurs when there are a large group of people posing but not doing anything out of the ordinary to comment on.  You may have known this too, and I'm willing to bet you've thought the same thing.

What is the caption, you may ask?  If you haven't guessed by now, I'll tell you.

To give an example:

Posing for a picture with some hotties

Now... let me explain my beef with this.  I am not exactly saying everyone in this photo is ugly.  However, I think it's safe to say that no one is GORGEOUS.  Society, and individuals for that matter, are very attune to beauty and can certainly pick it out of a crowd.  The question I pose is:  why draw more attention to the already plainness of the company you keep by calling them HOT?  

I would understand this label if said people in photo were dressed up for a special occasion.  A wedding, birthday dinner, or some important work function.  But if you are wearing casual clothes, throwing your arms over each other, and are standing underneath a drop ceiling, I'd venture to say no one would look hot.

I'm not sure what side of this problem I am taking issue with.  The lack of creativity involved in captioning photos, or the lack of awareness people have for their surroundings.

I know, I'm going to hell.

But let the record show:  this image was saved under the name "Erica and Paul pose with ugly people.jpg" by someone that wasn't me.  I typed "ugly people" into Google Images and found it.  Try and see.  

At least that person was more honest.

"Whoa, a little harsh, Gretch."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TREGG!

True to form, I found you the gayest looking cake possible.

We all wish we could be with you today in Las-Hates it, but know that you are in our hearts today more than ever.

Welcome to your almost mid-twenties. We fucking loves it.

With loves, Nicole and all twelve readers of LIOHI.

HOT NERD BOMB EXPLODES IN NYC: LIOHI's Nicole joins cleanup crew

The Hot Nerd Bomb. (n): the unexplained phenomenon involving a surplus of hot guys in glasses in a contained space. All of whom you would totally bone.

Ex: "Did you see that tall guy with the arms in the ray bans? It's like a hot nerd bomb went off in here."

I can't explain it. But I like it. I spent a day in NYC yesterday and, in between auditioning for grad school and guarding my purse, I could not believe how many hot nerds were just walking around like they owned the joint.

They were EVERYWHERE. Tall ones. Taller ones. ....Even TALLER ones!

Just in case you havent had the pleasj of seeing one of your own, the criteria to officially qualify as a hot nerd is as follows:
Slim to slightly muscular build.
Mussed hair
V-or Crew Neck Sweater
Glasses
Man bag

Should you come upon one in the aftermath of The HNB (Hot Nerd Bomb) of '09, do not let him get away! They are elusive, quick moving little creatures and GOD FORBID there's an Apple Store within 100 feet...

Me likey.

"I don't want my pubes on Facebook." by Tregg

I do love me some Facebook.  All of my friends are on it, and a good chunk of the boring parts of my day are filled by viewing new status messages and pictures that my friends post.  I like uploading pictures of my friends and me, too.  But I am going to draw the line:

I don't want my pubes on Facebook.

I've seen a trend where people, mostly those in Los Angeles, are posting modeling pictures of themselves online.  I totally get that.  They are generally sexy, well-styled, and photoshopped pictures.  Hell, I've thrown one up there myself from a company photo shoot I did for a work Christmas card last year.  It was fairly well received.  Thanks, you guys!

And while Facebook has implemented some screens to prohibit nudity from showing up on their site, but there seems to be one loophole that is being wildly exploited willingly by the Facebook users:  pubes.

That's right folks, pubes are running rampant on my Facebook, and I'm no prude, but I'd rather not have my porn so close to my Scrabble.  I know it probably says more about the company I keep, or the random photo albums I end up viewing because someone is in my vast Los Angeles network.  But who wants everyone to see them barely dressed and exposing their pubic hair?  At least have some class like this picture of the Black Crowes album, Amorica and detach your head from the pictures.  Otherwise, they may come to bite you in the ass when you run for president or Paris Hilton's My New BFF 2

Sick Ass of the Week: "OnLine Dating is Effing Hilarious" by Nicole

I thought this was as good a time as any to post some of the funnier (ie - more ridiculous) emails I've received in the last week.

Here we go.


Just checking out your profile and before I go on check out mine maybe we can chat some more, lata
Nick

Nick. Wow. I like that name. You know what else I like? PUNCTUATION. Next.

ahhh haha funny profile i like it anyways move ober i am sure ui can fit in that taxi too damn it...lol my name is rich liked your profile and your pics love to chat sometime...thanx rich

Oh, Richie Rich. I don't even know where to begin with this. Ober? Ui? You're drunk aren't you? Next.


Happy Saturday!!
Damn its cold out. Well I really have no idea where to start but lets see, I work as a police officer and absolutely love it. I've worked hard all my life, on my own since I was 17, and definitely appreciate where I am today.I've never been married, no kids, don't smoke, and live alone. I do have the best group of friends and ultimately want my partner to be as well.Communication and trust are important to me. The poster/quote on my way says it best:"Honesty: Better to fail with honor, than succeed by fraud" :-)I consider myself affectionate and I want a partner that is as well. Ultimately I'm looking for my best friend.Fitness is important to me. I don't judge anyone else, but I'd like a partner who can relate to the dedication it takes to be fit. I go to the gym 5-days a week, and run regularly, eat a good diet :-)I'm not into games, or drama. I'm just a simple easy going guy looking for the same :-). I'm always happy, appreciate the little things, and see the best in everyone.I guess anything else you wanna know, just ask! I'm an open book.Have a GREAT day!
xoxoKen

Did you guys fall asleep half way through that? Yeah. me too. Next.

Hey :)
How are you?
Are you romantic?
You are a direct and sincere person?
What are your favorite books?
I used to be a Criminal lawyer in Brazil...now I am finishing a second degree at BU
Wes

This one should've just read: "Hi. Name Wes. Don't do English so good. Wes"


Uh - my sides hurt. This site delivered like Dominoes. More horror/hilarious stories to follow, I'm sure.

This song is Trash: "Angels on the Moon- Thriving Ivory""

We hate that we've even heard of this song, but our damn eclectic iTunes radio has minimal discretion for what it plays.

First of all, we can't tell whether this is a man or a woman singing.  It is very much akin to the first time we heard "MMMBop" by Hanson and "Give Me One Reason" by Tracy Chapman.

All these artists have gender ambiguous names, and it confuses us. 

Furthermore, "Angels on the Moon" sounds like the singer, whomever he or she is, has been strangled while smoking cigarettes for 20 years and then asked to sing.

Further proof that we should record our album where we replace several words in a song with "Hates it."  That shit would be brillz.

"I hate the color navy." by Tregg

Maybe its the way the color so closely resembles black, causing many to compare it to something they know in fact is black for verification.

Maybe its the irony that it matches brown so well, but brown shoes can often look too light in color when trying to match a navy shirt.

Maybe its the images of A&F and Old Navy it conjures in my mind when I see it.

Maybe I just hate the color navy.

Don't get me wrong, I have a few articles in my closet that are navy.  And I have come to terms with the fact that my darker complexion and dark drown hair makes me look good in navy.  But I would much rather wear brown or black as a neutral than navy.  

Navy suit?  Get a grey one.  What shoes do you even wear with a navy suit?  Navy?  Who makes navy shoes.? I bet they look awful.

No judgment, but move it or lose it, navy.

Sick Ass of the Week: "If you Loves'd it, then you should've put a ring on it" or "To the LEFT, bitch and PS - I HATES it!" by Nicole

Dear Beyonce,

Stop using my life for inspiraysh.

Hates it,
Nicole

OK, that's what that letter would look like. All kidding aside - Thanks, Beyonce, for providing fed-up women everywhere with ample material for the inevitable "I fucking hate everyone but mostly I hate men and specifically my ex-boyfriend" mix for our I-FuckingHateEveryonePod.

What's your fave break-up anthem?

Oh, that's right, bitches. It's officially a poll.

Sick Ass of the Week: "The Relationship Power Cycle", by Nicole

Ok, those of you who have T-Mobile don't need me to explain that annoying occurance once every few weeks or so when your cell's behavior becomes erratic, unreliable, and altogether sick-ass.Calls are dropped, no signal can be found, and the pursuit of communication is futile.

When this happens in your mobile world, you may set aside two hours (that you'll never recover, btw) to call Michelle at Customer Care, only to be told that your phone needs what is referred to as a "Power Cycle".

In other words, turn that shit off for now and forget is exists.

Power up after a hot minute or so, and everything will be just fine. You will no longer feel stranded, and your voice will, once again, be heard.

Conveniently enough (for blog's sake), we can sometimes find ourselves in the midst of a relationship "Power Cycle." When all seems lost, when you feel like nothing you say is getting through, and the pursuit of communication seems futile, should we all take a nod from those demons at Customer Care (I hate you, Michelle - if that's your real name) and put that shit aside and just not worry about it?

Can a relationship with a weak signal - perhaps you're roaming, have used up all your minutes, or maybe just carelessly dropped it too often - be as easy to remedy as a tempermental Nokia?

Who knows. All we can do is enjoy a moment's peace and bask in the vain hope that when we turn it back on, everything will be just fine.

Some call this denial. Some call it optimism. I'll call it whatever you want, as long as I don't have to talk to that bitch Michelle.

Why Nicole Scherzinger should never go solo

We just watched a clip of The Pussycat Dolls performing "I Hate This Part" on Ellen's talk show, and damn has Nicole Scherzinger's voice improved exponentially from that train wreck of a solo song "Baby Love."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ziyAkHTA44

Check out that video clip, and tell us you don't agree that she is much better off with the Dolls than without.  Granted, we have no idea why being in a group gives her access to better songs and makes her voice sound amazing.  But thankfully we will no longer be jamming to Puakenikeni ever again.  

Thanks for listening, back to watching Weeds season 2.