Loves It or Hates It

We're funny. I mean, REALLY funny.

2011-10-27T10:37:00.000-07:00

LIOHI: Decorates It

2011-10-23T23:08:00.001-07:00

Loves It or Hates It Investigates It: Beyonce's Pregnancy

2011-10-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

http://www.wwtdd.com/2011/10/is-beyonce-pregnant-or-not/

"Loves It or Hates It: Vacay-shs It" or "Tommy Bahama Mama"

2011-05-24T19:48:00.000-07:00

"Oh My God, You're So Skinny(fat)" or "The LIOHI Summer Shape-Up"

2011-05-18T16:09:00.000-07:00

LIOHI Takes the Cosmo Quiz!

2011-05-15T08:38:00.001-07:00

"LIOHI and Dropping the Bomb" or "He Blinded Me with Science...tology"

2011-05-11T21:41:00.000-07:00

"A Shameless Plug for Increased Viewership" or 'I'll take my top off if you will."

2011-03-21T10:52:00.000-07:00

Does "Winning" = "Lovesing"? or Our Thoughts on Current Events

2011-03-21T10:51:00.002-07:00

LA Survival Guide: Part 2

2011-03-21T10:51:00.001-07:00

LA Survival Guide: Part 1

2011-03-21T10:49:00.000-07:00

Loves It or Hates It: Return of the Spoos

2011-03-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

Loves It or Hates It: "Ombre Hair" by Nicole

2010-10-20T23:18:00.000-07:00

I bit the bullet a while ago and trucked it over to Sally Beauty Supply for some bleach and boldly attempted this trend on myself.

For those of you who don't know, Ombre hair refers to a deliberate fade from the roots to tips of the hair. Most recently, this trend has been seen on Alexa Chung and Rachel Bilson.

What do you guys think of the Ombre hair look? Loves it or hates it?

"Mail Sack Vlog: Part Two" or "Vegans: More trouble than they're worth?"

2010-10-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

"Mail Sack Vlog: Part One" or "A Spoo's Guide to Bodily Fluid Placement"

2010-10-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

"Twitter? I hardly know 'er!"

2010-10-17T17:02:00.000-07:00

"Come, follow us, and we will give you Hates It."

www.twitter.com/lovesorhates

"Gossip Girl Recap 2: The Goblet of Cab Sav" or "Pass the Condoms"

2010-10-13T00:16:00.000-07:00

"I Think There's a Pinkberry where our blog used to be" or "Our Thoughts on Gossip Girl"

2010-10-04T23:04:00.001-07:00

"Oscar Fashion - Loves it Or Hates It" or "How to look like a radish rosette without really trying" by Nicole

2010-03-08T06:15:00.000-08:00

You know it's a disappointing night on the red carpet when your fave dress is worn by one of the male nominees' wives. That said, this frosting-colored grecian number can TALK TA ME! Perfectly executed, by the way, as well. Minimal jewlelry and a sparkling clutch. Well done, host of Shear Genius, well done.

Oh wait, that's Matthew McConaughey's wife. Oh well. Still lovesin' the crap out of this dress.

The HATES ITs

Thank you, Vera Farmiga, for inspiring the title of this blog. That said, what the Farmiga were you thinking? The color is gorge, but the oddly-situated ruffles are reminiscent of a garnish we once saw on our plate of fish tacos at The Cheesecake Factory. It also reminds us of that fluffy gray creation Chloe Sevigny wore to the Globes. PS - we hated THAT dress, too.

Dear Faith Hill - we understand that "a Mississippi girl don't change her ways"...but we kinda wish she would. You look like a Saloon girl from an old Western town. The one standing around, fanning herself, while all the hot Saloon girls get the business in the back room.

Jennifer Lopez and Demi Moore - I'm so glad these two were photographed together. It saved me room in my "Oscars - Hates It" file for more pictures. J-Lo, please add "dresses made of lilac bubble wrap" to your list of things NEVER to do again. Right next to "Sing live on SNL" and "marry a waiter".

Demi - I'm trying to explain, in a non-vulgar way, that this dress looks like it was sewn from the extra skin lying around the office of Dr. 90210. I don't think it worked. Sick ass. Love the chunky, matchy-matchy shoes, though. That David's Bridal sure can dye the shit out of a satin platform.

Kate Winslet - you know those separates that just work together so well, you'd SWEAR it was an elegant evening gown??? Yeah, we don't either.

Sarah Jessica Parker - this dress was a bigger disappointment that Season 5 of SATC. I really liked it sitting down...from far away...not in HD. That said, you are still a fashion goddess in my eyes, and I am going to pretend that you had something WAY better picked out, but then James Wilkie drew on it with Sharpie and the twins threw up on the train. You had no choice. (...Please tell us you had no choice)

Zoe Saldana - this dress is beautiful. Kind of like how childbirth is beautiful. Oh, the humanity! I kind of want to hang her from a tree and whack her with a stick until Smarties fall out. Abrupt dip dye...and is that a SLIT?!? I need to sit down.

The LOVES ITs

Nicole Richie - There are very few 80 lb. four-foot waifs who could pull off this much of a dress, and most of them are gay men. Bravo, Ms. Richie for having the panache of a drag queen necessary to make this dress a winner. It's very "Bianca Jagger walk of shame"...in a good way!

Diane Cruger - Homegirl Loves herself some Chanel. Not that I can blame her. This dress definitely had its share of haters, but I'm rushing to its defense. LOVE the black details popping against the french vanilla crepe paper folds of the bodice and hem. And the center section, with the crimped-ruffle detail...well, let's just say it's a good thing this bitch doesn't eat solids. Another stunner from that bitchy gay, Karl Lagerfeld, that makes us want to have wine for dinner.

Shut your mouth, Molly Ringwald! I love this dress! Granted, I'd like to bust out my seam ripper and remove that art-noveau bit at the waist, and replace that cuff with a yellow-diamond bangle...but a hot dress nonetheless. It almost makes me forget about the droopy Laura Ashley florals from days of yore. ...Almost.

All in all, WAY more hates it than loves it. But hey, I got a blog out of it.

C'est la vie.

"LIOHI Fashion Poll" or "Can white guys pull off cream suits?" by Tregg

2010-02-12T19:42:00.000-08:00

I recently got a new job where I have to wear suits Monday - Friday. I had one sick ass suit in my closet from college that I absolutely abhor. It was a time well before Justin Timberlake brought SexyBack. I've had this suit tailored once, and I still swim in it. If I didn't love the actual suit itself, I would have trashed this bitch a long time ago.

Naturally, I spent the past few weeks suit shopping, looking for good deals, planning for future purchases, etc. This is when I stumbled into Express to see what kind of suits they have.

I stumbled upon this:

Now, don't get me wrong. This is not an every day suit. This is probably not even a winter suit. But, I tried it on and I loves it.

Feel free to give me your knee-jerk reactions to this. But please keep in mind, I live in California, the weather is mostly nice, and I'm fairly dark complected with dark brown hair. Just think about it.

"Loves It or Haitis It" or "People Who I Wish Were at The Telethon" by Tregg

2010-01-24T23:24:00.001-08:00

I'll confess one thing to you all right now: I did not watch the Haiti Telethon. I'm sorry. At one point while I was at working, I turned it on several stations I knew were carrying it, and I didn't see it. By the time I got home, I had forgotten. That's what happens when I blast my "Shut It Down" playlist on the way home. My mind wanders off, and I lose focus.

But I did watch some of the amazing performances on YouTube and was very touched by everyone's involvement in such a great cause.

That being said, I owe it to myself and this blog to point out a few things that did this poor country no justice during this tragedy.

Beyonce's performance of Halo was a sight to be seen. First of all, she had a wig on that reminded me of that female muppet who I think was a hippie and had no eyes, just hair covering half of her face. What was her name? Secondly, she subbed in "Haiti" over the word "baby" in the lyric, "Haiti, I can see you halo, don't you know you're my saving grace?" That seems a little easy, but thankfully this didn't happen to another country, for Beyonce's sake at least. "Dominican Republic, I can see you halo." would've been a little clumsy melodically. And last, but not least, she didn't bother to rewrite the opening lyrics. "Remember these walls I built, well baby they're tumbling down." Yikes.

However, the song is very beautiful, and she did sing it very well. And a little more promotion for her I Am... Sasha Fierce album can't hurt, right?

Hearing Beyonce's personalized performance got me and my friends wondering how other musicians could tailor their songs to fit the cause, in the most tacky and inappropriate ways possible. [Warning, this will come across as insensitive, but I mean it only for a good chuckle. Frankly, I'll spare you all some of the more awful renditions we've concocted.]

Beyonce

"All my single Haitis / All my single Haitis / Now put your hands up"

Britney Spears

"It's Haiti, bitch"

Jay Sean

"Haiti, are you down down down down down?"

I'll stop now, but if this isn't received with hate mail and de-friending on Facebook, maybe I'll include more.

And yes, I'm donating money ASAP.

*Thanks, Nicole, for the amazing idea for the title of this blog

Loves it: Ke$ha - Animal

2010-01-17T14:19:00.000-08:00

Never has being drunk and slutty been so damned hilarious.

Ke$ha (the $ replaces the S, as the singer was once told "you don't NEED money, you ARE money) rings in 2010 with a smash debut album that almost makes us want to like the taste of Jack Daniels more.

TIK TOK, her oft-played and much loved first single is in good company with such bouncy tracks as YOUR LOVE IS MY DRUG and KISS AND TELL. The record practically begs us to find the nearest party, get a little tipsy, throw up in the closet, and leave our coat behind. Some of us may have already done all of that, but that's neither here nor there. Ke$ha, we loves it.

Only one of the songs can really count as a ballad (the reflective HUNGOVER - which chronicles the heartbreak of a drunk and slutty chick the morning after) and the rest is a glitter-slinging, drunk-texting good time.

Even if you have to pay retail for this CD, I say go for it. Mine was a cheapo $8.99 at Newbury Comics (thanks, you guys!), but with not one lemon in the bunch, it's a good investment all around.

If you're not quite ready to make the commitment - LIOHI highly recommends that you download STEPHEN and BOOTS AND BOYS.

Your welcome.

Now where the hell is my coat?

"Wow, that Navid's girlfriend is such a skank" or "WHAT THE HELL AM I WATCHING??" by Nicole

2010-01-12T17:49:00.001-08:00

I think I might like bad TV.

I'm seeing the alternatives flash before me on the cable guide.

Bones. The Biggest Loser. The Office. Ace of Cakes.

As I sit there, scraping the inside of a greek yogurt container (maybe with my finger - whatever) I marvel at all the options that lie before me. Some nominated for Emmys and Golden Globes. Some, even winners.

Who is my winner? Friggin' 90210 The New Class. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm not even invested in these characters - I've missed like 30 episodes! I don't even like their names! Silver? Who's named Silver? (Yes I know, it's her last name. Don't interrupt.)

The story is ludicrous and the acting is - ooooooooh - I wonder where she got that top...

And there it is. The clothes. I watch these stupid goddamn shows because the clothes are cute. I am officially shallow.

But hey, at least I'm self aware.

Gucci, Chanel, Louboutin, that's how they get us! That's how 90210 and Melrose Place and The City and those damn Kardashians trick us into watching their stupid shows. I know it! They're manipulators, all of them!

But not Gossip Girl. That show is brilliant.

Hot Ass of the Week - Maybelline Line Stiletto: by Nicole

2010-01-12T17:18:00.000-08:00

It's a proven fact that women (and trannies) tend to indulge in beauty products more when financial times suck the bag.

Never one to ignore a bonafide statistic (I also eat in front of the television and lose weight after a break-up), I brought my remaining eight dollars into my local Walgreens to continue my search for the perfect black liquid eyeliner.

Up 'til now, the search has been fruitless. Not that I haven't tried!

Almay - Too watery.
Physicians Formula - Dries out.
Yves Saint Laurent - I'd rather have the cash.

Due to a recent praise-fest in Lucky (choruses of angels heard in the background), I decided to give Maybelline's queerly-named Line Stiletto a try.

First impression - I like the packaging. Small enough to bring into the bathroom without the rest of the bar thinking you're going in to change your tampon. The price was pretty deec - only seven bucks and change. Pennies compared to that Physicians Formula trash that I'm now using to de-scuff my black leather shoes.

The moment of truth - THE APPLICATION. Smooth. Bump-free. And the COLOR! This stuff goes on blacker than Tyra Banks during a commercial break.

OOOH, child, I am in LOVE!

Somehow it appears shiny on your lid. Not "The Situation" shiny, but good shiny, you know? Like a black patent Loub. MMMMM....Loubs......

Anyhoo. Definitely worth the money and definitely worthy of HAOTW.

Enjoy, trannies!

"Embarrassing People Vol. 1" or "Creativity Explosion" by Tregg

2009-12-19T14:59:00.000-08:00

God bless our ability to express ourselves and our right to showcase that creativity in public forums without persecution.

At least without persecution until now.

LIOHI proudly presents the first in hopefully a very, very long series of embarrassing moments found on the internet, daily life, or perhaps amongst our friends.

Take a look at the video below, which I didn't even need to hunt down. It was proudly suggested to me on my YouTube homepage.

Enjoy. And discuss.

"Two Girls, One Face" or "Someone's Publicist Needs Fired For Approving These Photos" by Tregg

2009-11-09T22:33:00.001-08:00

On your left, a promotional photo of a certain pop star on the inside booklet of her latest CD.

On your right, a still frame of a teen dramedy star in a commercial for Tuesday night's episode.

Britney, meet Jessica Lowndes. And vice versa.

Seriously people, my headshots from when I tried to do modeling at 16 years old were better. And I was wearing a lot of makeup for those pictures because I hadn't started taking Accutane yet.

Idle Chatter with Nicole and Tregg: Part 1

2009-10-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

On attending her high school class reunion:

Nicole: What does one wear to Dave & Buster's?

Tregg: American Eagle and Doc Marten's.

"Maggie Griffin for West Hollywood City Planner" or "Tacky, Yet On-the-Nose Names for Plastic Surgery Firms" by Tregg

2009-10-17T21:02:00.000-07:00

After scoring a pretty deec parking spot on Santa Monica heading to Fiesta for Thirsty Thursday, I noticed this awning and the words inscribed on it.

At first I didn't want to post this thinking that making a My Life on The D-List reference would be too niche for our readers. Then I realized two things: 1) We barely have readers, and 2) They all watch that show.

Remember when Maggie Griffin called Facebook, Faceplace? I even think she called it "The Faceplace," which is more amazing.

I don't know what that store is for, but I'm hoping they sell memorabilia. I could use a new coffee mug.

"I GUESS we're dressing like whores now" or "Oh, honey - I've got a runner in my fishnets" by Nicole

2009-10-04T11:01:00.000-07:00

"Adventures in Video Blogging" or "Reasons to be overdressed at noon" by Nicole

2009-10-04T10:24:00.000-07:00

"How to Dress Your Age" or "My Size Barbie Needs a Better Wig" by Tregg

2009-09-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

In case you didn't watch VH1 Diva's Live (shame on you!), here is the dress Kim Zolciak wore that I discuss in the vlog below.

Enjoy and discuss.

"Adventures in Video Blogging" or "Don't Quit Your Day Job" by Tregg

2009-09-21T22:59:00.000-07:00

"The future is nigh" or "I finally braved my iMovie program." by Tregg

2009-09-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

That's right, folks! LIOHI has crossed over to YouTube. I am almost done uploading my first LIOHI video blog, and I am kind of excited. As soon as I was finished, I thought about changing my clothes and repositioning my laptop to do another video, giving the illusion that it was another day. But alas, I didn't do that and will only present one video tonight.

Warning: I did this VERY off the cuff and some of what I say doesn't make sense. For example, I don't explain who Kim Zolciak is, partly assuming that most of you would know, and partly because I forgot. And at the end, I meant to say I couldn't find a "clean" version of the song, meaning without the Ryan Seacrest junk on it. But after re-watching, that didn't really come across. However, there were some funny moments that I wanted to keep. And since I'm not about to start editing at this stage, I just kept it all.

Loves it? Hates it?

"Proj Run is back!" or "I wonder if Lindsay Lohan will ever get a haircut" by Nicole

2009-08-22T10:30:00.000-07:00

Oh, sweet indulgence. Thy name is Project Runway.

Finally, Thurdays have meaning again. After 11 months of legal pish posh and half-baked Kelly Rowland-infused knockoffs, our favorite show is back. Someone pass the chiffon.

The premiere episode did not disappoint. Skipping a trip to Ralph's in favor of Mood on Pico, the first challenge was to create an innovative red-carpet worthy dress/gown/whatever to be judged by the biggest whatever of them all: Lindsay Lohan.

This batch of designers shows great promise. That is, all except the bat-shit-ass crazy girl who got the boot after the first challenge. Is it just me, or did Ari look like a dead ringer for Samantha Ronson?

I think we all know who was behind that "Auf Veeds".

Juicy lesbian drama + fashion = Loves it.

"Oh, no she DIDN'T" or "Peg Bundy called, she thinks you look sick ass" by Tregg

2009-07-30T11:54:00.000-07:00

Now, I've taken issue with this whole campaign from the jump off. I've politely kept my mouth shut. But now, my journalistic injunction is being involuntarily lifted by the code of conduct I hold for myself. After all, I was voted Best Dressed Class of 2002 at Vermilion High School.

Britney Spears, while she has been through the ringer in the past few years (don't get me started) was once Donatella Versace's muse. She's now doing a Candie's campaign. For Kohl's?

Oh, hell no.

Furthermore, they decided to stick her in this banded, faux leopard--which is probably made of velvet, sick ass--jacket with leater--read: pleather--piping. I don't know what era that is from, but it is certainly not from 2009.

But more importantly, I find it hysterical that Britney cannot even muster a hot face for this picture. You know there were about 500 shots in this outfit to get a good look, and we get THIS. Bitch knows this outfit is trash, and can't fake it.

For that, I salute you, Britney Spears. Now go wipe some fried chicken grease on this coat and get a frappucino.

HOT ASS of the Week: "FRIENDS re-runs" or "How to Beat the Sick Ass Summer TV Landscape" by Tregg

2009-07-28T11:32:00.000-07:00

While the summer is fun for several things-- beach visits, al fresco dining, treating weekdays as weekends like you're still in school-- one thing it lacks is loads of good, new television. Now, I'm no hater of reality television, but a lot of the summer reality shows are like the stepchildren you receive after marrying someone late in your life. You feel bad not loving them, but let's face it, they're a pain in the ass at this point. Shows like Big Brother and Top Chef: Masters are laughable in my opinion. Especially since reality TV also dominates the fall line-up, hello American Idol, summer reality series are literally the television equivalent of being picked last at dodge ball.

So what is an almost-mid-twenties bachelor to do? Series record arguably one of the best sitcoms ever: FRIENDS.

I watched this show religiously, but missed much of the final seasons while I was in college. And once it ended I only sporadically caught it in syndication. But recently I have found a new love for this classic show. And besides the fact that I envy the fortune I know they were amassing while shooting this-- $1 Million an episode toward the final years-- I love it more than ever.

So this summer, set your DVR to record every FRIENDS episode it can find. You will find yourself with plenty of good television to watch while you wait for Melrose Place to premiere on The CW. Oh, let's do this.

"Dear T-Mobile" or "Diary of a Mad Black Texter" by Nicole

2009-07-19T16:58:00.000-07:00

I took a big step this year.

A heavy texter from the get-go, I'd spent years doing it the old-fashioned way. Every time I got a new phone, the first thing I would do was go to Message Settings > Language > T-9 Prediction > OFF.

When I got my new slider phone this past December, I figured it was a good time to venture into the unknown. Sure, it was scary, it was unfamiliar, and I had no idea if it would be a success. But I did know this - my thumbs were fucking killing me.

I left my Samsung's settings alone and created my very first "T-9 Prediction ON" text.

It's been seven months now, and I'm glad I made the change. Texts take less time, and my rings fit again, which is great. The only qualm I have, really, with prediction is that, well - it's kind of a moron.

Every two texts I have to enter a word into my phone's lexicon that it doesn't know. It's starting to get annoying. Alas, that's the price you pay for convenience.

That said, here is my plea - if there are any LIOHI readers who happen to work for the T-Mobes, here's a list of words I use often that I implore you to add into the T-9 Prediction-ary.

exfoliant
facebook
Dunkin'
pissing
OMG
cankles
serio-comedy
slutty
bitches
slutty bitches
hot ass
makeup
FML
boob
fucking
frigging
shitting
pinot grigio

Thank you.

"Whose thong is this?" or "How to be an amazing ex-girlfriend without really trying" - by Nicole

2009-07-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

There are few things in life I know I do very well, but besides mentioning the obvious things, like spelling, make-up application, and accessorizing, (not like that's all of them - come on, people, who do you think you're dealing with?) I can without hesitation say this - I am an amazing ex-girlfriend.

You'd be surprised how easy it is to be an AEG, and yet, so many ladies habitually get it wrong. Sure, break ups suck - whether you're the breaker or the breakee, it's just not a good time. Fret not, readers. LIOHI is here to help. Here's a step-by-step guide to mastering the art of getting lost.

1. Get Lost.
Do not (I repeat - DO NOT) remain Facebook, Myspace, or Twitter (gay) friends until the storm has passed. The last thing you want is to be tempted to check up on your ex - or their current relationship status. You're not going to see anything that you want to see, so lay off their page altogether. Save yourself the anxiety and delete, delete, delete. You can add them again later when you're really over it and/or dating a Swedish ski instructor (Sven, can you hear me?)

2. Leave Nothing Behind.
Ok, yes, it's miz to have to go over to his pad and pick up your Lady Gaga CD...wait. That's a bad example. No self-respecting LIOHI reader would leave The Fame at a bf's house. The point is - you will miss your CD/copy of The Secret/Pilates DVD and you DO want it back. Go get it! You do not want to have to think about him cuddled up on his futon with some slut watching YOUR season three of Family Guy! And while you're at it, return his Fleetwood Mac t-shirt. You never wanted that trash anyway.

3. Get Really Hot.
I bet you think #3 is all about revenge on your ex. It's not. This one is all about you. Go to the gym. Go for long walks. Stop eating. Whatever you need to do to KNOW that you are the hottest thing walking this apocolyptic-age earth, you do it! And if you happen to bump into him at Rite Aid while you're buying your twelfth Diet Coke of the day, so be it. While he walks away kicking himself, you will know that the rumble in your flat-as-shit stomach means one thing - victory.

4. No Trash Talking.
I know it's hard, people, but this one is key. The more you go around spewing venom to people, the greater the chances that it will get back to your ex AND you will look like a Bitter Betty (or Bobby). Let's play it classy, shall we? The truth is, your ex did you a favor. You don't want to be with anoyne who doesn't want to be with you. Move on. Talk nice. Stop eating. You know the rules. You'll feel much more fabulous post-breakup if you keep all your hostility inside. To quote one of my favorite movies - "Feeling are like treasures, so bury them"...and stop eating.

5. Get. Lost.
This rule bears repeating. I mean it. You're not doing yourself any favors by being visible to your ex. And while I'm on the topic - delete their cell info too. This includes any pics of them in your phone. Seriously, why torture yourself? You'll need that memory space anyway so that you can take pictures of your ribs poking out of your vest.

I hope this how-to guide has been helpful. To keep these secrets to myself would be doing a disservice to my fellow man, woman...that sort of thing.

So be brave, love yourself, and know that there is someone out there as hot-ass as you who is just waiting to be all up in your business.

And hey - eat something. You're looking a little too Lindsay Lohan circa right now.

Hates it: "Where the hell have we been - The Sequel"

2009-07-02T09:33:00.000-07:00

We have hit our Bi-Annual lull in inspiration, people.

Trust, no one hates it more than us.

Keep hope alive - we'll be blogging soon!

"You Can Tell Jesus The Bitch Is Back" or "HOT ASS of the Week: Weeds Season 5 Premiere" by Tregg

2009-06-07T23:26:00.000-07:00

Don't get all crazy on me, bloggers. I know the headline is a quote from Gossip Girl, but I feel it's semi-appropriate regardless.

I LOVE this show. I watched the first season via Showtime On Demand back in 2006 and didn't quite love it. But I stumbled upon Season 3 and then ordered Showtime for Season 4 and was hooked. Thanks to getting Season 2 on DVD for Christmas, I have successfully devoured every episode. And much like a pothead, I am craving a new season like a big old cupcake. Or something else that people who smoke a lot of marijuana like to eat while high.

I'm treading in unfamiliar territory here, people. Sorry.

I know it is a gross oversimplification to say Weeds is about pot, but I still find it noteworthy that I love a show so much and hate marijuana so much.

I was watching the Season 4 finale just a few minutes ago for the second time, and there were two scenes that basically highlighted why Mary-Louise Parker is a goddess.

The first scene is when she's taking a bath and Andy knocks on the door. She doesn't flinch that she's topless even though he's got a huge chub for her. Then she dangles her sex in front of him asking him to fill up the tub with bubbles for her so she can tell him all the trouble she's in.

I have to remember that trick.

The second is when she's ordering Silas a gift basket from her OnStar system at what appears to be 11:00pm, so I can't imagine why some place is open.

"'Dear Silas, If I never see you again, I've been murdered'...Don't write that. 'Dear Silas'..."

Not that I needed a reminder, but seeing that episode made me increasingly happy to see a new season start tomorrow night. The dreadful abyss that is the television landscape will be dramatically rescued for at least the next few months. Would it kill Showtime to have 22 episode seasons? I'm sure everyone that works on the should wouldn't mind the extra money.

“Fash-Inspiration Du Jour: Rick James” or “How To Manage Adult ADD Without Really Trying” by Nicole

2009-06-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

There are some things in this life one should dare not try to explain. Of course, there are people out there who refuse to leave things to the imagination…but I digress. For whatever reason, as of late, wearing a giant silver ring on every finger suddenly sounded like a fantastic idea.

I am now, and have always been, a creature of impulse. I didn’t even realize I had an impulsive personality until I met my friend, T (not Tregg). T possesses just about the most irrational and immediate behavior pattern I’ve ever witnessed in another human being. She acts quickly, whole-heartedly, and often without consideration of the alternatives.

…It’s like looking in a friggin’ mirror.

Luckily, I’ve managed to harness my impulsivity (read: raging ADD) in the workplace, but not in my personal life. And CERTAINLY not in my relationship with clothes (See post featuring Lady Gaga, below). In that aspect of my life, possessing the emotional restraint of a bunny rabbit has leant itself to a series of phases: there was The “I’m Only Going to Wear Dark Denim” Phase, The “No Outfit is Complete without a Cardigan” Phase, and, most recently The “One Can Never Have Too Much Black Sequins in Their Life” Phase.

In an attempt to exhibit some semblance of growth in my almost-mid-twenties, I’ve been making a concerted effort to act more shrewdly and cerebrally. But, there’s something about a naked left hand that I can no longer abide. I have no rationale to go on except that once your hair is long (like mine – thanks, you guys!), chandelier earrings can’t really be appreciated, and necklaces make me want to scratch my neck all day – and then hang myself.

Thus begins the “Silver ring on every finger RIP Rick James” phase.

…I give it a week.

"The Power of Parental Suggestion" by Tregg

2009-06-03T11:36:00.000-07:00

This weekend my mom was in town helping me move to a new apartment. I love her dearly and knew her help would be invaluable. Because let's face it, if this blog didn't hate monotony, "Moving" would be the Sick Ass of The Week, every week.

Of course, the blessing of a parent's visit is that they'll buy you stuff. Food, maybe some clothes or a tank of gas. But when you're moving and a parent visits, you can expect a lot more. Or at least if you're parents aren't tightwads.

So on her last day, my mom and I find ourselves at Target. Yes, Angelenos, that Target on La Brea and Santa Monica. As usual, even at 8:30, it was overrun with people. I would never go there that late without the deadline of my mealticket's, I mean mother's, departure to her home state looming within hours. Why would you run to Target on a Monday night? And why would you run there to get batteries and chocolate like the couple in front of me? Oh...

My mom knows a lot more about setting up a home to me, so bascially our shopping trip proved to be a lot of "Tregg, do you need _____?" "Sure, mom."

This is where the guilt comes in. I was trying to not be frivolous, but every time she suggested something, I realized how great it would be to buy that now rather than wait and get it later.

For example, shower cleaner. I definitely needed it, but sometimes I feel it is an unnecessary purchase since one only cleans his shower every so often. I can save some money by not buying that, right?

"Do you need some body wash?"
"...yes."

"How about fabric softener?"
"Yes"

"Distilled water for your iron?"
You guessed it, "Yes."

I feel like my mom could have sold me a broken VCR that night. I was powerless to say no to her, partly because she was right, and partly because I felt she'd be hurt if I said I didn't need something she suggested.

"Oh, look at this new laundry detergent scent."
"Mom, I don't need that."
"Why, you ungrateful little bastard!"

Or at least that's how I imagined it would go.

The moral of this story is, your mother is always right and knows everything. Listen to her advice. And she should probably sell real estate in this poor economy. I'd buy a condo from her.

Sick Ass of the Week: "The O.C" by Nicole

2009-05-29T08:32:00.000-07:00

As in: Oh, SEE how ugly this dress is?

This reminds me of my mom's old Chadwick's Catalogs. There was always that one dress: Long sleeves, four panel skirt, twelve colors, twenty sizes, zero style.

I wonder is Misch opted for the 5 day freight or overnight shipping...

"A Sequins of Events" by Nicole

2009-05-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

While perusing my closet this morning, in an attempt to find something sensible to wear on this rainy workday, I started to think about how our clothes reflect our lives.

Take my closet for instance - if a casual, non-objective observer were to look through my wardrobe, I am certain the picture they formed in their head of the wearer wouldn't look at all like me. In fact, it would probably resemble someone like this:

Sadly, I am not Lady Gaga. My life doesn't resemble hers at all. I have a full time desk job, and my nights are spent either at the gym, watching Keeping Up with the Kardashians reuruns, or thrift shopping (most recent score - a $5 vintage Dior jacket...thanks, you guys!).

So why, you ask, do I own a sequin bolero? I don't know.

The leather pants? Can't help ya.

Lace gloves? Patent leggings? Fur capelet? ...Who the hell knows.

It may be that, in my head, I yearn for Gaga's beautiful-dirty-rich lifestyle - or at least I want to dress like I do.

All I know is that, when it comes to my closet, Gaga would loves it and PETA would hates it....and maybe that's enough for now.

...Oh, give me a break, it's vintage. The animal would be dead by now, anyway.*

*Disclaimer: when it comes to animal cruelty...we hates it. No furry little bitches were harmed in the writing of this blog.

Quoth the Blogger, "Hatesitmore!"

2009-05-28T09:57:00.000-07:00

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I slept half-naked and weary,

Over many a carbo-loaded dinner I ate just until,

While I laid there, probably snoring, since TV that night was hella boring,

And then I heard this awful screeching, screening out my window sill,

"Tis some cats," I thought, "Humping outside my window sill,

They bang all day, yet want more still.

The the noise grew more distinct and telling,

By the break of dawn, I believed it more,

For I had heard it yesterday at a different hour,

It was a crow, perched high above once more,

A bird of black, irritating as before,

Quoth the blogger, "Hatesitmore!"

While I could not sleep with this awful yapping,

But his screeching continued, forevermore,

I devised a plan to engage his silence,

So that my ears could be relieved of sore,

To my balcony I retreated swiftly,

Grabbed some ice, I grabbed it tightly,

I tossed it at the bird, "Hatesitmore!"

And the crow, quickly puzzled, quickly fleeing, quickly fleeing,

From the lines outside my window sill, like the Raven of Poe's lore,

I crept back to sleep, eyes are heavy,

Wanting sleep more than ever before,

Thankful my ice worked on that bird from the lore,

Quoth the blogger, "Hatesitmore!"

This Line is Trash: "(House of) Dereon" by Nicole

2009-05-22T06:46:00.000-07:00

**Sigh** As if the clearance racks at Marshall's weren't crowded enough...Beyonce and her Beyond-Sane mother, Tina Knowles, just keep churning out their sick-ass designs like there's no tomorrow.

The tagline they've chosen for HOD (Hates of Dereon) is "From the Catwalk to the Sidewalk". I guess "From the Catwalk to the Sidewalk...to Ross Dress for Less to The Back of Your Closet to Goodwill to the Ass of a Homeless Crack Whore" was too long.

And, just in case you were worried your daughter would make it to Junior High with her virginity intact: There's a girls line!

...If Bennifer were back together I'd swear the Apocalypse was upon us.

Loves it: A Chanel Brag

2009-05-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

Texts From Last Night TOTALLY used our text!

(323): Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

Here's the original context:

nicole: Do you think an esthetician would be willing/able wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch?

tregg: oh em gee. that would be so hot ass

nicole: right?

tregg: i'll try to do it tonight on myself and get back to you

nicole: So, everytime a guy gets ready to pound on it i can say "Careful, it's Chanel."

tregg: bahahahaha ok, i'll do the Louis logo then

nicole: hahahaha

tregg3: so we're distinguishable from each other

...Thanks, you guys!

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

"Is that an Olympic Gold Medalist in your pocket...?" or "Why I loves that Shawn Johnson won DWTS" by Nicole

2009-05-20T08:08:00.003-07:00

Carrie Ann Humminahummina was right - we all underestimated this petite powerhouse.

Earlier in the season, I definitely didn't expect Shawn to end up in the finals. The odds were certainly stacked against her. She's compact - probably about as tall as a My Size Barbie - with thick, muscular limbs that hardly compare to the lithe graceful stems of Melissa Rycroft in the carbless world of Ballroom Dancing. Yet, with each routine, she continued to improve, finally giving a proverbial "talk to the hand" with her electric Cha-Cha-Cha to Michael Jackson's "PYT".

The competition was stiff...but Shawn made us stiffer. (Hey-O!)

I found myself smiling like an idiot through each of her routines. Every twirl, every flip, every false eyelash made me feel full of joy and pride - as if I were watching a shorter, richer, more motivated, thick-thighed version of my younger self up there. Eh - who am I kidding? I had pretty thick-ass thighs when I was 17.

I'm proud of you, Shawn. You looked those tall, skinny, graceful giraffes in the ribcage and you gave them a big, glittery F.U. Now, it's gonna be YOU on the cover of US Weekly! YOU on Regis and Kelly! YOU using that Mirrorball trophy as a dress form!

Here are some shots of Shawn in action. ...Suck it, Rycroft.. There's a new twirl in town.

Loves it.

"Is This Blog Vapid?" or "My thoughts on Gossip Girl and Censorship" by Tregg

2009-05-12T10:39:00.000-07:00

I have to say, I was a little less than pleased with last night's television programming. While I could spend a whole blog dedicated to my first point, I will try to be as succinct as possible. My Monday nights are highlighted-- if not bolded, italicized, and underlined by Gossip Girl. It's a wonderful display of all the things I pretend I have in life-- wealth, style, social class, high cheek bones-- but don't and secretly, or not so secretly want. It has had a pretty good run this season, from the Hamptons to the slammer, and as this season comes to a close, I have some beef with the producers. I know you want to promote this new spin-off show, but did I really have to sit through the bulk of my Monday night guilty pleasure watching Brittany Snow try on reject Madonna music video costumes?

Sigh.

Granted, after a a full episode of this new abomination, I'm sure I will slide head-first into LOVES IT, but trivializing Serena and Dan's reunion at prom and Blair's realization that Nate and she are donezo seems a bit unjust. Wait, those things are trivial? Shit.

After Brittany Snow's mugshot graced our screen, we promptly channel surfed on over to ABC Family, the station you can bring home to your mother. They were, probably reluctantly, playing Mean Girls, which is most assuredly a violation of their stringent "Only play shows and movies that aren't funny" policy.

This movie is appropriately rated PG-13 because all of the characters keep their clothes on and no F Bombs are dropped. However, AB-Sorry you can't say "bitch" Family, diluted it down to a blasphemous PG rating. Here is a small smattering of words you can and cannot say on ABC Family, as heard in Mean Girls.

CAN:

-Byotch

-Fat Virgin

-Lesbian

-Too gay to function

CANNOT:

-Dyke

-Bitch

-Fat Whore

-Africa

Ok, I made that last one up, but you get the idea.

Bottom line, don't waste your time with Mean Girls on television. Unless its on Showtime, and then you can hope to see a nip slip from someone. Just hopefully not Damien.

Here's to a much more tantalizing Tuesday evening of television. What's on again? 90210?

Perfect.

Loves it - "When ELLE freezes over", by Nicole

2009-05-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Hi. I'm Nicole. And I'm a fashion magazine addict.

"Hi, Nicole."

It started, innocently enough, back in the 90s, with a subscription my Nana purchased for me as a way of helping me with my "sell a bunch of magazines and get a 5 pound Hershey Bar" school fundraiser.

The now defunct Sassy Magazine turned out to be my gateweay drug into a world of glossy materialism. Others followed. Seventeen. YM. Teen. Teen Prom. Your Prom. Your Teen Prom. ...I was hooked.

My addiction has been a significant presence in my life for 15 years. Some loathe it, some enable it, few understand it. I loves it.

But, lately, with the economy floundering along with impulse shopping and careless spending, I've really been trying to turn over a new leaf.

"One a month. One magazine a month is all I **gulp** need."

After all, at $3.99 a whack (even more for the spring and fall issues!), that gloss don't come cheap.

So, with a wallet free of funds and a heart full of determination, I wandered into Barnes & Noble to begin a new tradition: I would pick up every new fashion mag in the joint, grab a comfy chair, and thumb through each until I had found my one monthly purchase.

Then it happened. Usually one of the most annoying occurances known to (wo)man, and certainly THE most annoying when you're trying to read a magazine on the elliptical machine; one of those god-damned cardboard subscription thingies fell onto the floor.

"%$#&#*$^#$@&!!!!!!."

I picked it up and, while I moved to annoyedly shove it back into it's appropriate spot, I read:

"LOWEST PRICES EVER. THIS OFFER WILL NOT BE REPEATED. TWO YEARS (THAT'S 24 MONTHS) OF MARIE CLAIRE FOR $10!"

This couldn't be real. This had to be one of those hallucinations that people have when they're crossing the desert on a mule or something. I investigated further.

"SUBSCRIBE TO ELLE NOW. GET 12 ISSUES FOR $10! THAT'S 80% OFF THE COVER PRICE!"

"GLAMOUR AND LUCKY! ONE FULL YEAR OF BOTH FOR ONLY $15. NICOLE, IF YOU DON'T FILL OUT THIS CARD RIGHT NOW AND TOSS IT INTO THE MAIL YOU ARE A RETARD!"

The universe was clearly sending me a message. I had spent the last 15 years shelling out...let's see...an average of three mags a month times roughly $4 each times twelve months equals...A SHITLOAD OF MONEY! ($144 - gross.)

I am happy to say that I will never again purchase a magazine at the newsstand price...well, not counting those People Style Watch special editions...those things are hot ass. Instead, I am making a huge step for myself, and maybe one for womankind. I am now the proud owner/recipient of four subscriptions totaling only $35. That's about equal to the cost of 8.5 checkout-line issues!

Instead of hates-ing on my past glossy financial blunders, I decided to move forward, think positively, and continue to act like a responsible, almost mid-twenties recessionista and put the rest of the money that I would have spent this year into my savings account.

How hot ass is that?

Hates it: "Buying Clothes for Work" by Nicole

2009-05-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

"You're wearing that same shirt AGAIN?"

I probably would've come back with some bitchy remark like "...You're a bitch!", but she's my niece. And she's eight.

I'm in serious need of some biz casj, but typically, when it comes to shopping for work clothes, I'd rather do community service with Naomi Campbell while she's on the rag and has a purse-full of Iphones.

Maybe I'll pull a Marge Simpson, and every night I'll go home and rip up my Faconnable button down and Banana Republic flat-fronts and turn then into a fabulous-yet-appropriate cocktail dress...and then a jumpsuit...and then a PONCHO!

::Sigh:: I suppose until I get a job for which the dress code is described as "quirky, fabulous, and sort of schizo", I'm doomed to purchase more button downs and flat fronts.

See you bitches at Kohl's.

Review: "The Fashion Show" by Nicole

2009-05-08T06:50:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm not going to lie, I kind of wanted to hates this show. Tregg and I have been Proj Run groupies since Austin Scarlett's corn husk dress. I mean what's not to love? Between "What happened to Andre? and "It's a motherfuckin' walk-off", PR is a gold mine for quotes alone! I may never recover from the devastating loss that occured when Bravo (cooler than E!, gayer than LOGO) lost PR to sick ass Lifetime...with their Reba and their Dean Cain movies. Hates it.

That said, even though it won't be shown on my fave network, I felt it would be wrong to turn my back on the dynamic duo of Klum and Kors...not to mention that adorable I-want-you-to-come-live-with-me-and-be-my-gay-houseboy Tim Gunn.

Allegiance be damned, I tuned in to The Fashion Show last night at ten because - well, frankly, PR doesn't start till fall and I was up watching a Millionaire Matchmaker marathon anyway so, why not, right? I mean, come on, a girl can only go so long without watching a bunch of gays run around a fabric store with twelve dollars trying to find material to make brocade hot pants - am I right?

Verdict - LOVES'd IT!!!! This show was a hoot and a half. If for no other reason, you should tune in to admire gay-as-a-picnic-basket Merlin's extensive hat collection. I still don't quite get why Kelly Rowland is co-hosting, or why she is any kind of authority on fashion... I just keep hoping she'll start working lines from Destiny's Child songs into her comments on the designers' projects.

"OOh, child. If I wore that bolero, you can bet all the boys would Say My Name."
"That Bandage Skirt is too tight to be practical. How am I supposed to run to the bank to pay my Bills, Bills, Bills in that thing?"

Here's hoping. OH! The funniest thing of all - Bravo kept their sponsors! Oh, really Lifetime? You thought you were gonna get Tresemme? We think not!

I can hear Tim Gunn now. "Designers, I'm sending in your models. You are to send them to the Mane & Tail hair salon..."

Delish.

Is It Just Us...?

2009-05-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

Or does this picture look just a smidge familiar...

We wonder if they have Kiddie Spinning Classes at Promises?

Good luck, anyway, Lila.

"MySpace: A Place for Hates it" by Nicole

2009-05-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

OK, to be clear, I don't know this chick. I just Google Imaged "MySpace Whore" and her picture happened to be among the first 10 results. And, to boot, it's hilarious. Win-Win.

Ah, MySpace. Where do I begin? Now, be aware, this is not going to be the commonly seen "I'm a Facebook convert so now MySpace can suck it" blog. This has nothing to do with Facebook. It has to do with the fact that MySpace has gone from a social networking tool to a social network for tools. Somehow, the lines got blurred and it is now THE source for hooking up with virtual strangers.

MySpace: A Place for Pussy.

I've pulled out. No pun intended. I'm almost mid-twenties, I can't be associated with these cyber sluts and the men who love to catch the clap from them. I mean, co-authoring a controversial and all-around offensive public blog is one thing, but THIS....it's too much.

So, alas, you won't find this face on the 'Space.

But, not to worry. I can still be reached for hookups via text.

HATES IT: Seasonal Merch in Retail Stores

2009-05-04T10:49:00.000-07:00

Don't get us wrong, we love a good sale. And with the sagging economy (what sagging economy? ugh, we're over it too) sales are more and more frequent. Loves it. However, and we're sure we're not alone here, we hate having such a small window to capitalize on these amazing deals.

For example, Tregg still loses sleep over a Calvin Klein leather moto cross jacket circa 2005 that was on sale for $60, originally priced $270 that was in his size but he did not buy. After realizing this grave error, he returned to the store only to find said outerwear to be gone. Of course.

For another example, Nicole... well the examples are plentiful, let's say. Girl never met a sale she didn't loves.

But the other thing we hates is how seasons dictate what our favorite stores carry. That cashmere sweater you saw in February but couldn't bring yourself to buy? Well, it's March, and some other bitch is wearing it now. Those brown Marc Jacob flip flops you didn't buy because you have some DKNY ones, but are now realizing that you foolishly bought those too big....no one? Just us? Well, those MJ flips are now in white and black only and in bright accent colors like green and blue.

Dear Retailers,

We understand the capitalism drive to sale price your items and to only stock certain merch for a limited amount of time. But we are still mourning the loss of jackets, shoes, purses, and sunglasses that someone else is wearing and probably not looking as good as us in.

Sincerely hates it,

LIOHI

"How to be a Vegas Bride" or "I Went to Nevada and all I Got Was This Lousy Pre-Nup", by Nicole

2009-04-30T16:01:00.000-07:00

I've always said that if I ever get married again I'm doing it in Vegas, and I'm not alone. Brides have been flocking to Sin City since 1943, when Betty Grable and Harry James tied the knot at the first wedding chapel on The Strip - The Little Church of the West.

Vegas is fast-paced, glamorous, exciting...and just about the only place a girl can get married looking just a little slutty without being judged for it. Here are my top four looks for The Modern Vegas Bride:

Carrie Underwood's petal-covered mini pays omage to the Vegas Showgirl in a way that's almost - dare we say it? - classy. Beware this neckline if you've got man shoulders - it'll just make it worse.

Though the fit of Gwyneth's sheath has been controversial since she wore it earlier this year, we can't help but loves it. The bad-ass black platforms scream "Don't Eff with me!" white the dress whispers "Unless you have to".

If you're more a fan of the Brat Pack-era Vegas, throw on a simple shift with a three quarter sleeve. A few gold paillettes never hurt anyone, either. The A-line of the dress is forgiving if you have a bit of a tummy, and the sleeves are just roomy enough to hide a flask in.

Sweet Christ, Marissa Miller is hot - And the strapless white number ain't too bad either. Pair this with a little black ankle boot and we think we've got ourselves a winner.

Either way - we think a Vegas wedding is hot ass.

"Everybody Alexander Wang chung tonight" by Nicole

2009-04-29T06:21:00.000-07:00

Picture this scene, if you will: my NGFBFF (non-gay-female-BFF) and I were wandering around NYC, trying to find an obscure, off-broadway theatre near Canal Street to see a show starring a guy we'd never met, who, incidentally, has a huge boner for her.

We step into an elevator and press 3. The doors open.

Screw the theatre. Screw Iowa. THIS was heaven.

I don't recall any specifics...I just remember alot of black and white tile, mammoth crystal chandeliers, and racks of sparkly shit I probably couldn't afford. It was fabulous. Our heads practically lift off our bodies as we lean in, to catch a stolen glimpse of this jewel hidden among the rough streets of Manhattan - in which we were certain we didn't belong.

The stylish blonde standing on the other side of the elevator doors agreed.

"You guys going down?"

"Uh...yeah"

Our heads reattach as we take our places on either side of the blonde like two awkward, doe-eyed bookends.

"Um. What was that?"

"Alexander Wang."

"Right."

The doors open on the ground floor and we go our separate ways. She, to continue living her lavish, presumably perfect life - and we, to continue look for the theatre and subsequently shit ourselves.

Holy crap! Talk about a Hot Ass of the Week! We, in our search for theatrical obscurity stumbled upon the Alexander Wang showroom?!

Now, in case you've been living under a rock, Alexander Wang is just about the hottest young designer right now. Go on and Google him, I'll wait. You know all those ripped jeans and tissue-thin Ts you've been seeing just about EVERYWHERE?? Yeah. That's him.

The next morning, as the sun shined, we walked to find a place to grab pancakes and a Bloody Mary and passed the same unmarked, unassuming building where we had had our life-changing elevator ride to couture paradise. While NGFBFF and Boner Boy chatted, I glanced up at the second floor windows longingly, when, there he was - leaning against a wall of perfect glass. On a perfect New York day. In perfect solitary peace. From his perfect world.

We caught each others eyes for a moment and I looked away, suddenly shy from his gaze. Alexander Wang. Looking down from high above like a skinny, fabulous, asian Jesus watching over his flock. As I walked down the hot sidewalk on this gorgeous New York morning, with $1 in the pocket of my ripped jeans, the sun wisping through my tissue-thin T, and Alexander Wang looking down at me, life suddenly felt just a little perfect.

The spicy Bloody Mary diluted my morning haze and, as I sipped, I wondered if somewhere, on a second floor near Canal street, a skinny asian Jesus thought I was fabulous.

"If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you like watching 'Fail' vids on YouTube, too?" by Tregg

2009-04-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

I'm going to pose some rhetorical questions in this blog, just as a warning. I don't want them answered. I will just take your silence as agreement. I know I'm in the minority of this issue, and that's ok.

Does anyone know how this whole "____ Fail" craze started? For example, the picture i this blog would be a "driving fail."

I don't know what this means. Of course, I get it. But when did accidents or, I'll indulge the phenomenon, "failures" start being dubbed "fails" ? I think the first time I heard this word, it was used in a sentence and the person barely provided enough context for me to understand.

"Hey, Tregg. Have you seen that dance fail video?"

No, I have not. And what the hell does that mean??!! I'm all for the latest trends and keeping up on lingo, and even shortening words to the brink of incomprehension. But I hate watching YouTube videos. And I hate that overnight a viral video sensation known as "fail blogs" and "fail videos" was born. Why is the American public supposed to know what this is? Who coined this term?

I don't get it, and I'm not jumping on this bandwagon.

Although, that table fail video of the fat girl singing atop a table and falling off was pretty funny.

What am I saying??!?!?!

This Song is Trash: "Soulmate" by Natasha Bedingfield

2009-04-11T07:53:00.000-07:00

Kudos to Ms. Bedingfield for working the word "transitory" into a song.

Other than that, we're not impressed. Perhaps the suits at her record label decided to launch this trash as her next single because she recently tied the knot. That's the only explanation there could possibly be for subjecting the public to this crap.

Valiant effort, Natash - but, please, stick to your uptempo jams. After all - Speidi may be doing a spin-off and they're gonna need a theme song.

May we suggest "Pocketful of Hates it"?

That's brilliant. Someone get our agent on the phone.

What? We don't have an agent? ...Hates it.

LIOHI Goes To The Movies, albeit a few months late

2009-04-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

Last night, thanks to the beauty of Netflix, we finally watched the multiple-Academy Award nominated film Milk. We also could have watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, but we've seen that before. It is hilarious, however, so go watch that if you haven't.

We really didn't know anything about the real story of Harvey Milk, except enough to ruin the end of the movie. He gets assassinated. That was really unfortunate information to carry into a film because we are horrible at guessing endings, but that is the burden you bear watching a film grounded in an historical context.

Anyway, onto the film.

Sean Penn was amazing. We had the added benefit of seeing the movie after his Oscar acceptance speech, but seriously, he did a phenomenal job. He totally slipped into a character for the film, and one that he was not born to play. He's just that good. Even at the end of the movie, when they show the real Harvey Milk, it's startling how much Penn resembles him both physically and in his mannerisms.

It was also a very moving film. In parts. We found ourselves getting a little teary eyed while Milk rallied the citizens of The Castro to protect their inalienable rights. It would have been such a powerful feeling to have even filmed those scenes, let alone to have lived it.

However, the movie didn't do as much for as a whole as we thought it would. Don't get us wrong, it was well done, but the hype building it up as the next greatest movie ever didn't pan out so much. Perhaps we received reviews from a biased (read: gay) audience, but it was much less Vitamin D Milk and a little more 2%.

Get it?

It was like Strawberry Quik. Still better tasting than your average milk, but it's not our favorite flavor.

Hates it: "Where the HELL is my Chiffon?" by Nicole

2009-04-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

"What happened to Andre?"

The designers have been chosen, the finale has been filmed...so why am I still living without my semi-annual dose of Project Runway?!

Apparently, there is some sort of sick-ass contractual war being fought out between Lifetime and Bravo, the winner of which will be airing the series...hopefully sometime before hell freezes over or Cher launches yet another farewell tour; whichever comes first.

Can we please sort this out already? And for the record, I'm rooting for a Bravo victory. Lifetime and I have been on the outs since they stopped airing The Nanny and replaced it with Reba.

I mean, what's next? No season two of The Rachel Zoe Project? Kill me now!

Hot Ass of The Week: "Flax Seed Tortilla Chips" by Tregg

2009-04-07T13:43:00.000-07:00

I know, right? How odd to be celebrating food this close to beach season. But these chips are fucking delicious.

I bought some yesterday along with some peach and mango salsa and I have, one day later, eaten the entirety of both packages. I feel somewhat guilt-free because I think these chips are supposed to be pretty healthy for you. However, I refuse to verify this fact by looking at the nutritional facts in case I just ingested 3 days worth of calories.

It's like when I was in college and if I'd go back home for a weekend or a break, I'd bring my backpack. But often I'd never do any of the work I should have, and I'd feel terrible remorse upon returning to college. I found that if I left my backpack at school, I enjoyed my vacation better. If the urge struck me to work on homework, I simply thought to myself, "Oh, I forgot my backpack, so I can't do any work." And rather than remorse, I felt satisfied with this road block. That was much easier to cope with, for some reason.

Moral of the story is, go buy these chips. Enjoy. Just don't tell me if they are good or bad for me because they are too delicious.

Ignorance is bliss when tis folly to be wise.

This day is going to hell in a hand basket.

2009-04-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

We start our days pretty routinely.

-Wake up.

-Pee.

-Shower.

-Get dressed.

-Make breakfast.

-Go to work.

-Log on to Facebook.

But not today. Today, we encountered this horrifying error message while signing on.

Facebook Login
Account Unavailable
Your account is temporarily unavailable due to site maintenance. It should be available again within a few hours. We apologize for the inconvenience.

Oh, hell no! What are we supposed to do all day? A few hours? But...but...what if people upload pictures? How will we know if our friends run into people they hate at the store?

This day is going to take forever. We curse you, Facebook.

Oh, wait. It works now. We just tried again.

*Phew*

"I'd like to phone a friend." or "On the fence about another Black Eyed Peas song" by Tregg

2009-04-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

Why does this always happen to me? It's been years and years, and yet, when confronted with this situation, my reaction is always the same. Confusion. Indifference. Negativity. Resistance.

But every time the final conclusion is inevitable. I fuckin' loves it.

Such is the case with the latest offering from the Black Eyed Peas. Boom Boom Pow. I am still in the middle of my see-saw of emotions toward this song, and I am having an incredible case of deja vu akin to the days of "My Humps" back in 2005. I hated that song. The video was trash, and I had the sinking suspicion that "lovely lady lumps" would become part of pop culture vernacular. The idea of this song becoming a mainstay at parties and on my iPod was too much.

But eventually it wore me down. I found myself paying for the electronic jukebox at McMurray's at Wittenberg to play the song NOW. I would pay the extra 50 cents to trump the next bad rap song some townie would play. Play "My Humps" NOW!

How could the Black Eyed Peas do this to me? I'm never usually a fan of kitschy music. Gimmicky songs never do it for me. I have loathed everything Sean Kingston has subjected me to. But the Peas, man, will get me every time.

So I write this blog to help sort out my feelings, but I'm coming to realize while I may not be there yet, I will be soon. I am going to love "Boom Boom Pow." It's only a matter of time.

Sick Ass of the Week: "Yes, I'm behind you. No, we are NOT besties", by Nicole

2009-04-06T08:47:00.001-07:00

Yes, waiting in line is crap. We all know this. You know what doesn't make it any better? Turning around to bitch that waiting in line is crap to the person behind you!

Why do people do this?? As if I haven't noticed that I've been waiting in line for a long time, they feel the need to turn around and put their toxic attitude on me.

"You'd think they'd open another register."

"This is ridiculous!"

"You know, I don't have all day. I have a bunion I need to take care of."

You name it, I've heard it. I don't know why some people get so bent out of shape when it comes to standing in a line. It's A LINE. That's kind of the point. You have to stand...in it...until it's your turn. Wasn't this covered in kindergarten?

I understand that some people don't have patience. I have zero. But get a grip, people. Grab an US Weekly, add up your purchases in your head...mentally make fun of the person in front of you, ANYTHING! But, please spare the person behind you. They're not interested. Also, they're too busy mentally making fun of your outfit.

"Tell me about it, stud!" by Nicole

2009-04-06T08:25:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been considering making a certain...investment. Considered retro by some and pathetic by others, I've been pondering it for quite some time. Recently, I opened up to a good friend, looking for reassurance, a second opinion, anything(!) to help me feel...well...here's what happened:

Nicole: "Spoo, I want to buy a Bedazzler."

Tregg: "Spoo, you crazy. HAHA."

Nicole: "I want to stud all my clothes."

Tregg: "I want someone to stud ME."

OK, not the reaction I was hoping for. But, COME ON! What better way, in these recession-astic times to save some cash? Instead of spending money on the overpriced rocker-ish clothes dominating the stores, I could just Bedazzle the SHIT out of the ones I've already got!

I wonder how difficult it is to drive studs through a leather boot, anyways.

A Bedazzler runs about $19 on Ebay. You think they'll throw in 500 square silver studs for free? I'm working on it.

"Listen to me!!" or "Why I hate old people." by Tregg

2009-04-02T10:23:00.000-07:00

Besides from the obvious cons of aging, today at Starbucks I was reminded of another reason why I dread getting older.

Two people in front of me in line was an old woman. She didn't look like the sweet, demure grandma-type. She was more the "I'll smack you with my cane" type. I watched patiently as the following scene unfolded:

Old woman: "I'll have a green tea."

Barista: "Do you mean a green tea latte, or an iced green tea?"

Old woman: "From the pitcher, a green tea."

Barista: "Ok, do you want it sweetened or just add some water to it?"

Old woman: "Five iced cubes, green tea."

Barista: "What size would you like"

*Old woman fumbles with her hands, trying to mimic the shape she wants."

Barista: "Tall, grande, or venti?"

Old woman: "Grande."

Barista: "Ok, that's one iced green tea, grande."

Old woman: "LISTEN TO ME! *claps her hands together* I want a green tea, five iced cubes, from the pitcher."

Barista: "Ok, ma'am. Is that all?"

*she gets her drink*

Old woman: "Is this a grande?!?!"

Granted, I paraphrased this, but suffice it to say that the woman couldn't accurately explain her order, and the barista was being as understanding as a saint in trying to listen. I continue to think that Starbucks baristas are the most patient and pleasant employees on the planet, and this further proves it.

When I got up to the cashier, the barista apologized to me for the wait. I told him he did a great job handling her, and he had told me that's the third time in two weeks she has yelled at him.

I know she may have been losing her mental acuity, and Starbucks isn't exactly the easiest place to place an order, but I still don't know why old people get off on thinking they can act as rude as they want to people who are being perfectly nice to them when they don't immediately get their way. The sense of entitlement that so many people get when they tip the age scales over 60-65 really annoys me. Don't they realize soon they will need to be taken care of by their much younger family members? I will be much more inclined to spring for a swanky retirement home if my parents don't act like angry bags of skin.

I mean, I love my parents. Definitely no Shady Pines for them.

"MARCH that ass to the gym, it's time to get APRIL-LY skinny!" by Nicole

2009-04-01T12:09:00.001-07:00

Bathing suit season is almost upon us. While Tregg is sunning himself in the 'Bu, we at the East Coast Offices are devising a Spring Shape-Up.

Long story short: There's a shitload of cute bathing suits in the stores and carbs can ride us.

We'll let you know how it goes.

Hot Ass of The Week: "Let's 'Bu This...In March" by Tregg

2009-03-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

It's that time again.

Spring breakers are returning to college from their trips to Ft. Lauderdale and young professionals all over the country are wishing they still had spring breaks to take.

Well, the West Coast Office of LIOHI just checked the forecast and that only means one thing:

LET'S 'BU THIS.

We're starting beach season off tomorrow. Bring your sunblock, your anti-wrinkle SPF 15 facial lotion, and your Summer Jams iPod playlist, because we're getting tan before Easter.

Sick Ass of the Week: "All of the boys and all of the girls are begging to If You Seek Hates It" by Nicole

2009-03-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

Question. Why did I have to suffer all of 2008 listening to that vile "Lollipop" by Lil Wayne...yet THIS song is too inappropriate for the airwaves?

"For the children?" Give me a break. I'm an almost mid-twenties woman, and until Tregg explained it to me, I had NO idea what this song was about. I highly doubt my eight year old niece is going to catch on.

Please, FCC. Don't deprive me of my Britney. Play that shit. I think it's the least you can do to make up for all the trash Ne-Yo has been putting out lately.

Sick ass.

"Actually, I could wait to see you again." -by Tregg

2009-03-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

Let me explain.

I was looking up a picture for this blog on Google Images (I'll wait patiently for my product placement fee). I was hoping to find a nice and perhaps slutty picture of Miley Cyrus to go with the headline. Well, friends, this is one of the pictures that came up.

WHAT??!!

Wow, Ruben Studdard has really let himself go.

Ok, now onto business.

Semi-recently, I was on AIM and saw a friend online, and I wanted to say hello. I clicked on there name and typed the simple three-letter word: "hey."

Oops.

I accidentally clicked on the screen name BELOW the person I meant to contact. Now, instead of saying "hey" to someone I saw a few days ago, I accidentally initiated conversation with someone who was in my advanced trigonometry class senior year of high school.

"Remember that time we made funny graphs on our TI-83s?"

With Lady Luck never being on my side, this person was not "away" and was probably right in front of the computer and saw my message pop up. While we have no dark clouds over our past to make for an odd conversation, I was still hoping said person was watching porn or some other consuming activity that would keep me from having to come up with more idle chatter to follow up my random "hey."

He did reply, and I think I tossed in such cliches and self-confessed cringe-worthy conversation techniques such as "long time no chat" and "how's Ohio treating you? Oh, sounds fun." Luckily, we both bored ourselves in Guiness-record speed that this conversation did not last long.

Now I'll add "People I don't chat with but keep on my buddy list to look popular in the event someone else other than me uses my computer" to my list of friend categories.

That Song is Trash: "I Decided - Solange"

2009-03-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

On a recent trip to local eatery "Hamburger Mary's" our ear drums had the misfortune of exposure to this abhorrent little gem by Beyonce's little sister.

We're not sure what is worse: The fact that we thought this song was 20 years old (it's throwback sound is less "Ain't No Other Man" by Christina and more "It's Raining Men" by Geri Halliwell.) or the fact that the video looks like it was made with construction paper by 4th graders.

Having heard this song on our iTunes radio at work, we were shocked to learn it was actually Solange. Just another classic example that younger siblings, although usually passing through the gateway to commercial marketability much easier due to their famous older relatives, often do not deserve the shot that they get.

Well, we take that back for one exception. After all, then we wouldn't have Ashlee Simpson.....-Wentz.

Hall of Hates It

2009-03-19T18:11:00.000-07:00

Here at LIOHI, we're experts at offending people. It's become like a full-time job. After all, not everyone is going to loves it.

However, we often find ourselves on the receiving end of the offensive. Here's a list of a few "hates its" we'll hates till we just can't hates no more:

1. The Drop Ceiling

Invented in God-knows-when by God-knows who, this is right at the top of our Hates It list. The worst possible scenario is a drop ceiling at a wedding. Ugh. We're judging you. Deal with it.

2. People who can't take a joke

I'm sorry that you felt the need to stop the world to point out that our comment was distasteful, but let's be honest...you walked right into it. And if you want to throw the word "distasteful" around...let's talk about that outfit for a second.

3. "Diva" by Beyonce

This.

Song.

Is.

Trash.

4. The new Coach Cs

Congratulations, Coach. You now resemble YOUR OWN knockoff. Hates it.

5. Mischa Barton

Why are we still seeing pictures of this girl? She's been out of the scene longer than that girl who was in Waterworld and Andre. You know. The one about the seal? Shouldn't Mischa be living on a beach somewhere running a surf shop by now? ...We can't.

"Dye, Bitch, Dye" by Nicole

2009-03-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

It's officially a recession, people. I know, this is hardly late-breaking blog-worthy gossip, but in this shit-show of an economy, I know you're all looking for ways to save some dough.

And so, behold - your new BFF. Rit dye.

I confess, I spent many a year of my life passing by these square paper boxes in CVS or Michael's Crafts, thinking "Wow. That looks like a huge undertaking" but, I am happy to report, I am now a gigantic fan of Rit. It's so easy. All you need is a big bucket and some hot water. The recipe on the box suggests that you add 1 Tbsp detergent and 1 cup of salt for best results...but that's just a suggestion. You know. Like stop signs.

Most recently, I used a box of black to turn a pair of perfectly distressed, yet unperfectly colored (who makes off-white anymore, anyway?) skinny jeans into a raven-hued masterpiece. With plenty of dye-bath left over, I threw in my fave pair of skinny black pants that had long ago faded into a sad, fuzzy, annoying, off-black. And, after 30 minutes in the bucket and a quick rinse cycle in the wash.......................perfection!

So, save your money. Don't re-buy your wardrobe: revive your wardrobe! $2.29 buys a box with enough dye to breathe new life into at least five garments.

And the next time you're at Zara, and they only have that vest left in Navy, don't hates it. Don't debates it. Just freakin' GETS it!

Trust me, once you go black, you'll never..not...go black.

Thanks, you dyes!

We Kill Us

2009-03-15T19:54:00.000-07:00

We can't lie. We crack ourselves up. We've also taken to writing down the hilarious things we say.

...Is that shallow? Enjoy.

Tregg: "I saw these hot ass boots somewhere - I forget where - and I was like "I bet Spoo would fucking loves it."

Nicole: "Hot ass."

Tregg: Yeah, they were black leather with these straps up to the ankle and a peep toe and the straps were velcro, and they were, like, grey or something."

Nicole: "Wait...the ones I blogged about?"

Tregg: "...Oh, THAT'S where I saw them."

Nicole: "You fucking idiot."

Tregg: "Do you think it's ok if we bought the Jonas Brothers CD?"

Nicole: "That depends. How old are we?"

Tregg: "Almost mid-twenties."

Nicole: "...No."

::AIM at Work::

Nicole: "Ugh. 12 mins til I take my break. What can we do for 12 minutes?"

Tregg: "Hmm...........what song can we replace the word "hates" in a lot and type it back and forth to each other?"

Tregg: "Elliott told me cottage cheese helps your muscles not to deteriorate if you eat it before you go to bed."

Nicole: "Loves it. ...Wait. Who the fuck is Elliot?"

Tregg: "So, "Piece of Me" is nominated for a VMA."

Nicole: "What?!"

Tregg: "I know. That video was trash."

::outside Tregg's apartment to pick him up::

Nicole: "Hey, we're outside."

Tregg: "Ok, I'll be right down. Are you guys bringing real clothes or just your bathing suits?"

Nicole: "Well I have a cardigan and a little skirt on over mine, and Matj is wearing a polo and his ugly board shorts. ...Oh, I gotta go, he's giving me a look."

Tregg: "Have you seen the Disturbia video?"

Nicole: "No. Is it hot ass or sick ass?"

Tregg: "It's hot ass in a sick ass way."

(After watching an Elephant paint a self-portrait on YouTube)

Tregg: "How does he know what he looks like?"

Nicole: "He's around other elephants, you retard!"

Tregg: "Oh my God. Forget I said that."

Nicole: "Hey, that guy's is cute."

Tregg: "Yeah. We hooked up a few times. He has this amazing place in Sunset Plaza."

Nicole: "Hot ASS!"

Tregg: "Yeah. I'd fuck him for the real estate alone."

Nicole: "Ugh, Spoo, I totally pigged on ice cream last night."

Tregg: "Spooey! That's not on the Hills Duff Diet Plan!"

Nicole: "Whatever! I was exasperated. ...It was exasper-eating."

Tregg: "Yay, PUNS!!"

Nicole: "Look at us! We should make babies."

Tregg: "But we both hate kids."

Nicole: "...oh."

::Morning after a party during which Tregg vomited::

Nicole: "How you feeling today, Spoo?

Tregg: "Like a million bucks, actually."

Nicole: "You are so lucky you puked up those chips we ate."

Tregg: "I know, right?!"

Nicole: "Jealous."

"Hates'd And Confused" by Nicole

2009-03-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

Since when is "do you smoke pot?" considered a good conversation starter? What kind of reaction do these guys think they're going to get, anyway?

"Why yes, I do! Do you have any? Oh my God, let's go out into the parking lot and spark it and then have sex!"

Here's what I really have to say: No, ok. I do not smoke pot. Nor am I attracted to pot or people who habitually smoke it. I hate it, quite frankly. Between the smell, the tiny lip-wrinkle-inducing joints and the ridiculous-looking paraphernalia, I just can't. There is nothing attractive about it.

No judgement. If this is the kind of thing you're into, that's fine. But can we please remove this question from the "getting to know you" vernacular? So NOT sexy.

Time to Retire/This Song is Trash: "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat (by Nicole)

2009-03-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

Seriously? If I hear this song one more time in the car, I'm going to have to drive into a tree and just end it.

I can't. The saccharin-sweet lyrics, the sophomoric rhymes...someone kill me.

Why was this even a hit?? It's not even a good song! And as far as annoying melodies to get stuck in your head go, it ranks right up there with "It's a Small World"! I mean, COME ON!

It starts at my toes

Makes me crinkle my nose...

Choke me with a hose

Cause this song effing blows.

Honestly, between this shit-show of a song and "Unwell" by Matchbox 20, I'm ready to lose my mind.

"You can stand under my Hates-brella" by Nicole

2009-03-12T19:39:00.001-07:00

Did you guys hear? There's a new game show coming this spring. it's called "Who's the Bigger Idiot?", and it stars these two D-Bags.

At first, I shared the same sentiment/run-on thought as pretty much everyone out there, which was: "Chris Brown is an asshole and you never hit a woman and poor Rihanna."

Now that sentiment has changed to: "Chris Brown is an asshole and you never hit a woman and poor Rihanna who is a moron and is setting a horrible example for all of her young female fans for getting back together with Chris Brown who is an asshole."

Chris: I hates it.

Rihanna: I DOUBLE hates it. Get the hell out of there!
PS - I love your bolero.

They tried to make me say "I hates it", I said "No, no, no!" by Nicole

2009-03-12T19:11:00.000-07:00

While Tregg is drunk-tanning in Cancun this week, I thought I'd come up with a fabulous gimmicky blog post to pass the time. After much debates-ing and a little hates-ing, here's what I came up with: Announcing....

The first Ever...

LIOHI Fantasy Rehab Draft!!!!!!!!

Basically, it's just like Fantasy Baseball except with drugs and booze.

Here are my personal picks (step off, bitches) for 2009:

1. Lindsay Lohan

You know how it goes. The skinnier you are, the lower your tolerance for alcohol. And...crack. She'll be beligerent at The Ivy in no time.

2. Samantha Ronson

Because those two do EVERYTHING together.

3. Lily Allen

Most recently, Miss Allen went bat-shit crazy on a photog who accidentally bumped her car, causing her to spill her drink. See you at Promises.

What are YOUR picks for this year's draft?

"Everybody let go, we can make the dance floor just like a Hates It." by Nicole

2009-03-06T20:34:00.000-08:00

Britney, we know you're on tour and this is just a costume - but we hates it. You look like one of those old Owl Salt N Pepper shakers from the 50s.

"That (Weird) Thing You Do" by Nicole

2009-03-03T08:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, I must admit - in response to Tregg's previous post - that I too, have a whack-ass habit that rears its ugly head when approached by people for an opinion.

I lie.

I'm a big fat liar.

Not in the "No, your ass does not look fat in that skirt" feelings-sparing kind of way, because we all do that but...ok, here's a scenario.

Tregg: "Have you heard that new Nicole Sherzinger song, Baby Love?"

Nicole: (never heard of it) "Oh my god, yes! Do you loves it?"

Tregg: "I HATES it. That song is trash."

Nicole: "I know. I double hates it."

OR - I have this other habit where I don't want to admit that I have no idea what I'm talking about it, so I answer a question WITH a question. Like this:

Guest: "Does your barbecue sauce have bacon in it?"

Nicole: "Do you love it?"

Guest: "Yeah, it's really good."

Nicole: "Loves it."

::walks away::

OK, I have no idea what's in the frigging barbecue sauce! Who am I, Paul Newman?

The point is: we all have a little quirk about us that we're not proud of, so don't worry, Spoo. You're only Spoo-man.

"You've heard of the random ass song, too?! I LOVE that random ass song." by Tregg

2009-03-02T17:42:00.001-08:00

I want to admit a weird thing that I do. Every time I do it I feel kind of like a loser, but it never stops me from repeating the action. And no, I don't mean removing toilet paper rolls when I see the sheet coming from behind. I always want it to come over the top from the front. I never understand why people put the rolls on backward. I mean, I guess some people don't care, so it's just a 50/50 shot, but seriously, people....

But I digress.

I won't speak for Nicole, but let me know, spoo, if you do this too. Or anyone else, let me know if you do this. Have you ever had someone ask you if you have heard of some really obscure song, movie, television show, etc, and you have but were convinced no one else had seen or heard of it? When that happens to me, I always reply: "Yes! I LOVE [that thing]!"

What? Those who know me know I'm not too easily excitable. I do however, get really excited when a random interest of mine is somewhat validated by a friend. They don't even have to like or love the thing they asked me about, they just have to have heard of it, and I am thrilled.

For example:

Friend: "Have you ever heard that song 'Best Best' by Missy Elliott?"

Me: "Yes!!! I LOVE that song"

Friend: "Oh, really? That song is trash."

Me: "...oh, well I mean...I don't love love it. It's ok."

"The Cancun Slim Down." by Tregg

2009-02-24T13:34:00.000-08:00

Calling all readers of LIOHI: I am mere weeks away from a family vacation to Cancun (thanks, you guys!) and I have been (half-heartedly) preparing my body for a virtual skin parade while at the pool and on the beach.

To catch you up to speed: I have been exercising. Granted, not a ton, but I am trying to do the most effective workouts I've done in, well, forever. Outdoor running/jogging/hiking, indoor treadmill, weight training, and abdominal and core work are the name of the game. On the food front, I am doing my absolute best to cut out starches after lunch, protein and veggies for dinner, and scrambled eggs (2 yolks, 3 whites) for breakfast. I am doing pretty well, but these next few weeks are key.

I leave on March 12th for a week. If anyone has any tips on last minute, but not too excruciating, diet/workout regimens, I'd appreciate it.

Let's slim down, LIOHI just in time for the new summer beach season.

But don't you dare tell me to cut out alcohol. Refer to our Bacardi and Diet post from months ago.

P.S. Is the guy in that picture real or animated? And is he wearing blue and black? HATES IT.

Pride. Commitment. No Excuses.

2009-02-24T13:30:00.001-08:00

More to come on the subject later.

Sneak preview: Don't confuse me.

LaLoves It

2009-02-18T08:50:00.001-08:00

Wow. We can't remember seeing Lindsay Lohan looking this good since...

Since...

Well, ever.

Whatever Sam Ronson is selling, we'll take twelve. Kudos, Lesbos.

Snap, Snap to That Shit on the Radio

2009-02-18T00:35:00.000-08:00

Fuck me dead.

Movie Review: "He's Just Not that Into You"; by Nicole

2009-02-12T19:13:00.001-08:00

Apparently the folks who adapted this book into a screenplay just weren't that into not giving movie goers a happy ending.

I've read this book, and it's like a soft-cover bitchslap with a dedication. The general message is this: "Hey - that guy doesn't like you. Stop texting him twice in a row. He's a douche. You're worth more. Move on. That'll be $16.95, please."

The message of the movie however is this: "Hey - that guy doesn't like you. But he will in 90 minutes, so hang in there! That'll be $16.95, please."

Though, I must say, the film was pretty funny and highly entertaining. It will make for a fun drinking game when it comes out on DVD. I mean, the possibilities are endless!

Ginnifer Goodwin puts hair behind her ear - take a shot.
Scarlett Johansson wears an ugly shirt inexplicably tucked into her jeans - take a shot.
Jennifer Aniston reminds us of every other character she's ever played ever - take a shot.

The biggest challenge lied in not screaming out "Hello, I'm a Mac!" everytime Justin Long appeared on screen.

Movie not as good as the book - take a shot.

"A Tale of Two Hickeys" by Tregg

2009-02-12T16:48:00.000-08:00

Wanna take a trip down memory lane with me?

For some reason, this story always sticks in my head, and lately I felt it would make for an entertaining post. I hope you agree.

Picture it: Springfield, OH, November 2004.

I had recently been talking to a guy who will remain nameless. Not to protect the innocent, but to not give this horrendous individual more attention than he deserves. Long story short, this tale does not ultimately end well, but within the confines of the time period this story will retell, it is a pleasant experience.

I invited this certain individual over one evening to see a play on campus with me. We had a good time, and he ended up spending the night. This was our first time doing anything together more than going to a bar or having dinner, so it was a fun evening. The night was very innocent, let the record show, but as I saw him off the next day, he noticed there was a hickey on my neck.

He said, "What's that on your neck?" in a tone that clearly indicated he knew I didn't burn myself with a curling iron or trip and fall on a vacuum hose.

Playfully, I replied, "Oh, I don't know..." and kind of smiled at him. He gave me a semi-confused look back and got in his car and drove away.

A few days go by and we are talking on the phone, and I tell him that I had fun the night he stayed over. He sounded kind of unsettled, and replied, "Honestly, I was kind of upset that morning when I left?" I asked him why he would be upset, seeing as how I thought he had a good time. He replied:

"Well, you had a hickey on your neck."

"Yeah, that was from you."

"....oh, it was? I didn't realize I gave you one. Really? Wow, that's embarrassing, sorry"

He thought that I had someone else over and got a hickey from them in a recent enough amount of time that it wouldn't have faded by the time I invited him to stay over? I'm not sure what the technical definition of slutty is, but I'm sure that would qualify for at least one of its meanings. And I'll have you know, I am no slut.

I've always enjoyed thinking about that. Imagining him driving home thinking even though our new "relationship" or sorts had just started and wasn't exclusive, that I would be promiscuous enough to have multiple people to choose from that could give me hickeys. Who even gives hickeys these days anyway?

Later on in the week, I was changing after dance class and our male instructor whom I always assumed loved it walked past me and said:

"I see that thing on your neck, you bad boy."

"I, uhm....it's razor burn...?"

"If you text it, I'll delete it" by Tregg

2009-02-11T09:58:00.000-08:00

I learned a very important lesson from my People magazine.

My mom graciously signed me up for a subscription of People magazine so I can stay current on all of the most important aspects of world news: celebrity gossip. If I had to choose a favorite section, but please don't make me, I would say the survey on the last page where they ask celebrities a question and then post their answers in a thought bubble beside a picture of them. Most often banal responses come out of our favorite stars' mouths, but every once in awhile there is a real gem.

Take for instance, the survey: "What is one of your dating 'don'ts'?" There were a few lame answers like "Bring breath mints," and "Don't order garlic," which although helpful are not exciting.

Then comes along Taylor Swift. A girl who, at 19 years old, as already dated more famous people than I ever will in my whole life. Her answer was perfect, and although skews more toward today's younger generations in terms of effective dating advice, the principle of her comment can apply to all.

She responded, "Never send two text messages in a row." And in that single sentence, she unlocked the problem to every failed relationship I have ever had to this date.

Think about it, given the speed at which communication can be transmitted these days, don't you get a little anxious when an instant message, email, text message, MySpace message, Facebook chat message, phone call, etc, isn't returned promptly? We all know that the 20 somethings of the world are glued to these forms of technology to some degree of addiction. But I won't stumble down the well-worn path of my senior thesis in college or the plot of He's Just Not That Into You. I will merely applaud you, Taylor Swift.

I am ever so guilty of sending a text message that I think is flirty and witty, and I get increasingly anxious that it is not returned within, oh, five minutes. I do realize the recipient has a job, a life, friends, old episodes of American Idol on their DVR, but I feel hopelessly invalidated by silence in the dating world. So what do I do? I text again. CORRECTION: What did I used to do? I text again. But I don't say "Oh, did you get my last message?" or "Did your meeting run long?" I text something else. Something unrelated and witty, making it impossible to respond to both my last text and the new text in one message because the topics are so unrelated.

But I am turning over a new leaf. I will now send a text message confidently; I'm still my flirty, witty self, but I will not allow time for the recipient to respond. Who needs additional anxiety in their life? Dating is hard enough.

Thanks, Taylor Swift.

What Price Clean? by Tregg.

2009-02-06T10:31:00.001-08:00

Today as I was going to my parking garage to move my car out so my roommate could leave before me (damn tandem parking), I had to wait for the elevator to come back down to the bottom level before I could return to my apartment. I couldn't believe that someone had called for the elevator in the minimal amount of time it took to get in my car, let my roommate out, re-park and head back over to the elevator. Luckily, it came back down in an expedient fashion, so my frustration subsided. As the doors opened, I noticed the cleaning supplies left in the elevator which only could mean one thing. The cleaning crew for my building was here, which is a surprise since today is Friday. However, I figured a clean building is a happy building, and I silently commended them for coming twice this week.

As I rode the three flights up back to my apartment to eat my breakfast that was waiting for me and had inevitably cooled to a temperature slightly below what I like to consume food, I stared into the bucket containing the cleaning supplies. Standard, generic label products rest there, as I suspected given the fact no cleaning crew ever buys name brand. However, one stand-out item alarmed me more than others. There was an aerosol spray can, possibly window cleaner, that had rusted around the top where the nozzle is. My question is: How on earth could this can still have cleaner in it for a long enough period of time that it would accumulate rust?

I'm not sure how cleaning crews for apartment building work. Perhaps they store supplies at each location and simply move the crew from place to place. Or they might pack their supplies and travel as a full caravan, workers and supplies, to each property that KMK Management controls in Los Angeles. Either way, they are at least cleaning my building once, or in today's case twice, a week using the same products. If they take their products to other buildings, then the amount of use of each product goes up exponentially.

I ask you, devoted readers of LIOHI, when was the last time you owned anything that rusted? If you have, I'm sure it was sooner than later discarded and replaced. How little cleaning is my building doing? What was in that can? Is the thing being cleaned by that can also getting sprayed with rust particles?

I'm taking another shower today.

"Because your kiss is on my list - and it's also the SICK ASS of the Week." By Nicole

2009-01-31T08:24:00.000-08:00

Picture, if you will, this scenario:

A lovely spring evening in 2003. You and Dude* (* = name has been changed to protect the hates its) end a great date by rolling around in his double bed. The fun of the evening is only made better by the fact that Dude happens to be a great kisser. Thank God. The next day you wake up with swollen lips and a swollen sense of accomplishment.

Fast forward a few years...you and Dude stage a catch-up at a local bar. You end the date by (sort of) rolling around in his car. The fun of the evening is...wait. Hang on a damn minute. What the hell is he doing? Why is my chin wet? Could it be??? Dude has become -

A BAD KISSER!!!!!!!!!

Has this shit ever happened to you?? I don't understand it but I've seen it at least three whole times. Time does not matter. I've seen the shift occur over a span of two months and up to two years. It's like these guys take some How-to-Become-a-Horrible-Kisser Master Class while we're away. Is there a tutorial? Does Sally Struthers hock the courses in commercials between back episodes of This Old House?

What the eff is going on?!?

I don't know, but I personally HATES IT. If you're gonna be a good kisser you'd better keep that shit up. You can't just all of a sudden decide to let your tongue flap around all wills-nills. Seriously. That would be like Carrie Bradshaw opting to echew the Manolos and start shopping at Fayva.

Sick ASS.

"I have the hottest friends." -by Tregg

2009-01-30T13:36:00.000-08:00

This blog isn't going to make me any friends, but I have been thinking about writing it for a long time, so I'm just going to write it. Bring on the consequences, this is America.

I have noticed for years now, ever since the glorious invention that brought photographs to Facebook (yes, there indeed was a time where you could only have a profile photo on Facebook, and no albums. Atrocious, right?) that most people aren't very creative with photo captioning. I have come to terms with this, since most people's crafting of the English language is markedly sub-par. But one common theme I've noticed in several people's photo captioning occurs when there are a large group of people posing but not doing anything out of the ordinary to comment on. You may have known this too, and I'm willing to bet you've thought the same thing.

What is the caption, you may ask? If you haven't guessed by now, I'll tell you.

To give an example:

Posing for a picture with some hotties

Now... let me explain my beef with this. I am not exactly saying everyone in this photo is ugly. However, I think it's safe to say that no one is GORGEOUS. Society, and individuals for that matter, are very attune to beauty and can certainly pick it out of a crowd. The question I pose is: why draw more attention to the already plainness of the company you keep by calling them HOT?

I would understand this label if said people in photo were dressed up for a special occasion. A wedding, birthday dinner, or some important work function. But if you are wearing casual clothes, throwing your arms over each other, and are standing underneath a drop ceiling, I'd venture to say no one would look hot.

I'm not sure what side of this problem I am taking issue with. The lack of creativity involved in captioning photos, or the lack of awareness people have for their surroundings.

I know, I'm going to hell.

But let the record show: this image was saved under the name "Erica and Paul pose with ugly people.jpg" by someone that wasn't me. I typed "ugly people" into Google Images and found it. Try and see.

At least that person was more honest.

"Whoa, a little harsh, Gretch."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TREGG!

2009-01-26T12:26:00.001-08:00

True to form, I found you the gayest looking cake possible.

We all wish we could be with you today in Las-Hates it, but know that you are in our hearts today more than ever.

Welcome to your almost mid-twenties. We fucking loves it.

With loves, Nicole and all twelve readers of LIOHI.

HOT NERD BOMB EXPLODES IN NYC: LIOHI's Nicole joins cleanup crew

2009-01-24T08:38:00.000-08:00

The Hot Nerd Bomb. (n): the unexplained phenomenon involving a surplus of hot guys in glasses in a contained space. All of whom you would totally bone.

Ex: "Did you see that tall guy with the arms in the ray bans? It's like a hot nerd bomb went off in here."

I can't explain it. But I like it. I spent a day in NYC yesterday and, in between auditioning for grad school and guarding my purse, I could not believe how many hot nerds were just walking around like they owned the joint.

They were EVERYWHERE. Tall ones. Taller ones. ....Even TALLER ones!

Just in case you havent had the pleasj of seeing one of your own, the criteria to officially qualify as a hot nerd is as follows:
Slim to slightly muscular build.
Mussed hair
V-or Crew Neck Sweater
Glasses
Man bag

Should you come upon one in the aftermath of The HNB (Hot Nerd Bomb) of '09, do not let him get away! They are elusive, quick moving little creatures and GOD FORBID there's an Apple Store within 100 feet...

Me likey.

"I don't want my pubes on Facebook." by Tregg

2009-01-22T17:08:00.000-08:00

I do love me some Facebook. All of my friends are on it, and a good chunk of the boring parts of my day are filled by viewing new status messages and pictures that my friends post. I like uploading pictures of my friends and me, too. But I am going to draw the line:

I don't want my pubes on Facebook.

I've seen a trend where people, mostly those in Los Angeles, are posting modeling pictures of themselves online. I totally get that. They are generally sexy, well-styled, and photoshopped pictures. Hell, I've thrown one up there myself from a company photo shoot I did for a work Christmas card last year. It was fairly well received. Thanks, you guys!

And while Facebook has implemented some screens to prohibit nudity from showing up on their site, but there seems to be one loophole that is being wildly exploited willingly by the Facebook users: pubes.

That's right folks, pubes are running rampant on my Facebook, and I'm no prude, but I'd rather not have my porn so close to my Scrabble. I know it probably says more about the company I keep, or the random photo albums I end up viewing because someone is in my vast Los Angeles network. But who wants everyone to see them barely dressed and exposing their pubic hair? At least have some class like this picture of the Black Crowes album, Amorica and detach your head from the pictures. Otherwise, they may come to bite you in the ass when you run for president or Paris Hilton's My New BFF 2

Sick Ass of the Week: "OnLine Dating is Effing Hilarious" by Nicole

2009-01-17T21:52:00.000-08:00

I thought this was as good a time as any to post some of the funnier (ie - more ridiculous) emails I've received in the last week.

Here we go.

Just checking out your profile and before I go on check out mine maybe we can chat some more, lata
Nick

Nick. Wow. I like that name. You know what else I like? PUNCTUATION. Next.

ahhh haha funny profile i like it anyways move ober i am sure ui can fit in that taxi too damn it...lol my name is rich liked your profile and your pics love to chat sometime...thanx rich

Oh, Richie Rich. I don't even know where to begin with this. Ober? Ui? You're drunk aren't you? Next.

Happy Saturday!!
Damn its cold out. Well I really have no idea where to start but lets see, I work as a police officer and absolutely love it. I've worked hard all my life, on my own since I was 17, and definitely appreciate where I am today.I've never been married, no kids, don't smoke, and live alone. I do have the best group of friends and ultimately want my partner to be as well.Communication and trust are important to me. The poster/quote on my way says it best:"Honesty: Better to fail with honor, than succeed by fraud" :-)I consider myself affectionate and I want a partner that is as well. Ultimately I'm looking for my best friend.Fitness is important to me. I don't judge anyone else, but I'd like a partner who can relate to the dedication it takes to be fit. I go to the gym 5-days a week, and run regularly, eat a good diet :-)I'm not into games, or drama. I'm just a simple easy going guy looking for the same :-). I'm always happy, appreciate the little things, and see the best in everyone.I guess anything else you wanna know, just ask! I'm an open book.Have a GREAT day!
xoxoKen

Did you guys fall asleep half way through that? Yeah. me too. Next.

Hey :)
How are you?
Are you romantic?
You are a direct and sincere person?
What are your favorite books?
I used to be a Criminal lawyer in Brazil...now I am finishing a second degree at BU
Wes

This one should've just read: "Hi. Name Wes. Don't do English so good. Wes"

Uh - my sides hurt. This site delivered like Dominoes. More horror/hilarious stories to follow, I'm sure.

This song is Trash: "Angels on the Moon- Thriving Ivory""

2009-01-14T18:21:00.000-08:00

We hate that we've even heard of this song, but our damn eclectic iTunes radio has minimal discretion for what it plays.

First of all, we can't tell whether this is a man or a woman singing. It is very much akin to the first time we heard "MMMBop" by Hanson and "Give Me One Reason" by Tracy Chapman.

All these artists have gender ambiguous names, and it confuses us.

Furthermore, "Angels on the Moon" sounds like the singer, whomever he or she is, has been strangled while smoking cigarettes for 20 years and then asked to sing.

Further proof that we should record our album where we replace several words in a song with "Hates it." That shit would be brillz.

"I hate the color navy." by Tregg

2009-01-14T15:19:00.000-08:00

Maybe its the way the color so closely resembles black, causing many to compare it to something they know in fact is black for verification.

Maybe its the irony that it matches brown so well, but brown shoes can often look too light in color when trying to match a navy shirt.

Maybe its the images of A&F and Old Navy it conjures in my mind when I see it.

Maybe I just hate the color navy.

Don't get me wrong, I have a few articles in my closet that are navy. And I have come to terms with the fact that my darker complexion and dark drown hair makes me look good in navy. But I would much rather wear brown or black as a neutral than navy.

Navy suit? Get a grey one. What shoes do you even wear with a navy suit? Navy? Who makes navy shoes.? I bet they look awful.

No judgment, but move it or lose it, navy.

Sick Ass of the Week: "If you Loves'd it, then you should've put a ring on it" or "To the LEFT, bitch and PS - I HATES it!" by Nicole

2009-01-13T09:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Beyonce,

Stop using my life for inspiraysh.

Hates it,
Nicole

OK, that's what that letter would look like. All kidding aside - Thanks, Beyonce, for providing fed-up women everywhere with ample material for the inevitable "I fucking hate everyone but mostly I hate men and specifically my ex-boyfriend" mix for our I-FuckingHateEveryonePod.

What's your fave break-up anthem?

Oh, that's right, bitches. It's officially a poll.

Sick Ass of the Week: "The Relationship Power Cycle", by Nicole

2009-01-06T21:23:00.000-08:00

Ok, those of you who have T-Mobile don't need me to explain that annoying occurance once every few weeks or so when your cell's behavior becomes erratic, unreliable, and altogether sick-ass.Calls are dropped, no signal can be found, and the pursuit of communication is futile.

When this happens in your mobile world, you may set aside two hours (that you'll never recover, btw) to call Michelle at Customer Care, only to be told that your phone needs what is referred to as a "Power Cycle".

In other words, turn that shit off for now and forget is exists.

Power up after a hot minute or so, and everything will be just fine. You will no longer feel stranded, and your voice will, once again, be heard.

Conveniently enough (for blog's sake), we can sometimes find ourselves in the midst of a relationship "Power Cycle." When all seems lost, when you feel like nothing you say is getting through, and the pursuit of communication seems futile, should we all take a nod from those demons at Customer Care (I hate you, Michelle - if that's your real name) and put that shit aside and just not worry about it?

Can a relationship with a weak signal - perhaps you're roaming, have used up all your minutes, or maybe just carelessly dropped it too often - be as easy to remedy as a tempermental Nokia?

Who knows. All we can do is enjoy a moment's peace and bask in the vain hope that when we turn it back on, everything will be just fine.

Some call this denial. Some call it optimism. I'll call it whatever you want, as long as I don't have to talk to that bitch Michelle.